Page 4 of A Leaner Meaner Midlife

“Dude,” I said, squinting at her. “Wine? Really?”

“It’s five o’clock somewhere,” she replied with a wink. “And I figured we might be having a celebration.”

“Hell to the yes, Sugar Pants,” Wally announced, snapping his fingers and producing a bottle opener. “I’ve been beside myself worried. A little vino would be welcome.”

Fred and Carl, dressed to the nines in pink velvet mini dresses and heels, ran to the kitchen to get wine glasses for all.

Gideon chuckled and gave me a squeeze. “I suppose getting soused could make the turkey casserole tolerable.”

“Not sure anything will make a combo of turkey, jelly, hot sauce and God only knows what else tolerable,” I told him.

“I think I might have just thrown up in my mouth a little,” Tory muttered with a pained laugh.

Heather stood up and grabbed her purse. “And on that note, I’m going to the Piggly Wiggly for donuts. Anybody in?”

“Ohhhh,” Fred shrieked, coming back into the living room loaded down with wine glasses. “I’m in, doll face! The Piggly Wiggly is adorable. I picked up some Fruit Loops there last week.”

“With what?” I asked with a wince.

Fred was perplexed. “My hands, girlfriend.”

“Did you happen to pay for them or did you steal them?” I inquired. The queens weren’t used to the social norms of the human world… like paying for things.

“Whoopsie doodle,” Fred said with a giggle.

I shook my head and laughed. Alana Catherine cooed. She had no clue what was going on, but joy was contagious… even if it was about pilfering Fruit Loops.

“Did you know that Fruit Loops are all the same flavor?” Jennifer asked as she poured the wine into the glasses.

“Blasphamy!” Wally cried out. “Is this true?”

“One hundred percent,” Jennifer assured him. “Also, it’s impossible to hum when you’re holding your nose.”

Of course, everyone in the room tested the theory. She was correct.

“I’m out,” Heather said as she opened the front door.

“I’m coming, as well,” Missy said.

“Us too!” Dirk exclaimed, hustling his three cohorts out of the door.

“Shall we?” June asked Charlie. “I could use some fresh air.”

“We shall,” Charlie said with a smile that made his adoration for his wife very clear.

“Well, heck,” Jennifer said, topping off her wine glass. “If everyone’s going, I ain’t missin’ out on a party!” She scurried out into the cold morning with a glass of wine in true Jennifer fashion.

The crowd had pared down, but it was still a happy home.

Looking down at Alana Catherine, my heart grew bigger. “I love you, baby girl.”

Gideon leaned in and kissed her nose. Our gorgeous daughter reached up, grabbed a fistful of his hair and pulled. The Grim Reaper sighed in absolute contentment. Being a daddy was a good look on him.

“Not good. Not good. Not good,” Dimple said in a shrill tone, jumping to her feet and walking in circles.

Jolly Sue got down on her hands and knees and began frantically searching for something on the floor. Lura Belle had gone ashen. She grabbed the arms of the love seat and began bouncing her knees spastically.

“What the fuck?” Candy Vargo muttered as she and Gabe rushed to the women.

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