Page 50 of One More Time

“Nah.”

I was fine, in the sense of being fine enough to carry on with the day-to-day activities of life and work. But I was also not particularly fine. With Derek starting chemo again, I was terrified it wouldn’t work. I didn’t even know how to process that. When he’d decided not to try treatment again, I’d had to wrestle my hope for his recovery into submission. Now, I was afraid to hope too much.

I also struggled with Hannah’s sudden appearance in our life. It wasn’t a struggle at all to have her in the house. She was polite and quiet. She went out of her way to make it seem like she wasn’t even here.

And that worried me. I didn’t want her to think she was an inconvenience and a burden to us because she wasn’t. At all. But my brother had a daughter, and neither one of us knew her until very recently. Now, she was here, and Derek, me, our parents and cluster of relatives were all she had to call family. It was a lot to take in.

I took a swallow of coffee, the rich flavor reminding me that our coffee didn’t quite measure up to what we could get at Spill the Beans Café. I remembered yesterday morning, waking up curled around McKenna. I hadn’t wanted to get out of bed. I loved being with her, and I was pretty sure I’d gone and fallen in love with her. Which was fucking stupid.

It would be an understatement to say I had too much going on. I didn’t have the emotional bandwidth for love.

I sat down across from my brother and leveled my gaze with his. “I think I fucked up with McKenna.”

“Oh?”

Although my brother could be sarcastic, he never was in a clutch moment. His gaze was steady and patient.

I took another swallow of coffee, running my hand through my hair after I set my mug on the table. “I just don’t have time.”

Derek cocked his head to the side, one brow rising sharply in question. “You seem to be making time every few nights.”

I rolled my eyes. “I’m not a good bet, you know that. My job takes me away for weeks and sometimes months at a time.”

“And what? Are you going to say you’re busy dealing with me and my cancer treatment?”

“Derek, there’s no way I wouldn’t help. That’s not an option. I love you.”

Derek let out a sharp sigh. “That’s not what I meant. I get it because it would be the same for me. It’s clear you and McKenna love each other.”

I opened my mouth to question him, but he dismissed me with a quick wave. “Staring the potential for death in its face kinda makes some things very obvious. You love her. That matters. The details don’t.”

“What if you don’t make it?” My eyes stung with tears, and my heart ached. That was the thing about fucking cancer. When someone you loved had it, you had to prepare for the worst, but it was impossible not to hope things worked out. Cancer was a fucking asshole.

Derek shrugged, acting way too relaxed, in my opinion. “I may not, but I’m going to fight like hell. I want to be there for Hannah.”

I listened to my brother’s lecture about love and so on while I quietly reminded myself that I couldn’t make space for someone else to matter too much until I knew Derek would survive.

Chapter Thirty

McKenna

I turned off my car in front of my mother’s house and took a slow breath. I listened to the soft ticking sound as the engine cooled. Before I could think too long about it, I climbed out quickly, tucking my keys in my jacket pocket, and jogged to the door.

My mother always insisted we didn’t have to knock, but it felt strange to walk in unannounced. I usually knocked and called out my name as I walked in.

“In the kitchen!” my mother answered in return.

On the heels of another deep breath, I walked into the kitchen. She sat at the counter, flipping through a magazine, and smiled at me. “Coffee? Or tea?”

My throat felt dry, but I knew I couldn’t drink anything, so I shook my head. I sat across from her at the island, hooking my feet around the legs of the stool.

“How are you?” she asked.

“Jake used to hit me.” My words came out in a rush and a little louder than I intended.

My mother’s face went blank, and her hands stilled. “What do you mean?”

My heart pounded an unsteady beat, and I felt a little sick. I’d been working on getting up my nerve to just tell her about Jake for what felt like forever. I’d always wanted to tell her, but until Wyatt had told me he knew, I had accepted it would be my secret. Jake represented too many important things for the family, especially our mother.

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