Page 66 of Ruining Vanessa

“You aren’t a bad cook,” Damien agrees, eating some of the sauce-drenched burrito. “I just like it a lot hotter.” He looks at me with his usual stoic expression. “I’ve done worse to Giulio’s meals.”

“Well, I’m glad he’s the one who…” I start to say, but I can’t even finish. I can’t be grateful that Giulio’s the one who picks my meals. I can’t be grateful to Giulio for much of anything. I shake my head, going back to eating, but I nearly choke on my food. “Are you taking me back to Ntimacy?”

Damien doesn’t answer for a while, eating the rest of the burrito in silence. When he’s done, he turns in his chair to face me directly. “Do you want to go back to Ntimacy?”

“What else would I do?” I ask, realizing then how stupid my question had been to begin with. “I mean, I’d really like to at least be able to walk around again. It’s lonely in that room. But I get it. No one trusts me.”

“You’ve shown that you aren’t trustworthy,” Damien answers quietly.

I don’t know how he can keep his voice so steady all the time. It doesn’t matter if it’s me or Giulio or Slayer; it doesn’t matter if we’ve pissed him off or… or disappointed him. He says everything with such a straight face and an even voice that I have no idea what he’s actually thinking.

If it were Giulio or Slayer, I’d already be flinching, thinking of how to apologize. But I have no idea what Damien wants.

“I know,” I say in a small voice. “But I… I’ve learned my lesson.” I touch my leg, wincing a little at the memory of just how it had gotten there. “I’m grateful for what I have. I know it could be much worse, and that…” My eyes blur with tears. “And that my actions have consequences, sometimes for other people.”

Damien nods briefly. “Yes. I… I wish Giulio had not sold Stef so rashly. But there will be new girls. Other girls who could use a friendly face and a bit of guidance.”

“Guidance?” The word surprises a laugh out of me, a bitter little sound that I don’t really recognize. “I don’t have advice for anyone. I’m just a broken little broodmare who gets everyone else in trouble because I’m too stupid to just spread my legs and behave.”

The vitriol in my own voice is strange, too. When did I start thinking that way?

“You aren’t broken,” Damien says. “You made a mistake. You’ve learned from it. And you can help the other girls avoid mistakes. They’ll find you less threatening than somebody they’re in direct competition with, and they won’t avoid you the way they avoid Elena.” He reaches out to put a hand on my knee, as if he’s trying to comfort me.

It doesn’t really work. It just reminds me of the injuries, and how I’m going to have to work to be extra aware of everything I’m doing around them. “They hate me, though,” I mumble. “They think I have it so much better off than they do…” I shake my head. “And I guess I do. So. They don’t think it’s fair.”

“If anybody bothers you, tell us,” Damien says, still rubbing my knee. “As for your request… I’ll talk to Giulio and Donny. Maybe we can find a job for you. And you might have more luck figuring out the accounting issue if you’re more involved, anyway.”

“No one’s bothering me,” I say quickly, which is mostly true, even if it’s only because Cat and Traci haven’t been around me. “And I’d like that, to have a job other than scrubbing the toilets.” I can’t help but make a face. “Doing more of the accounting would be preferable.”

Damien’s brows draw together. “Scrubbing toilets? Why are you scrubbing toilets?”

I hesitate. “It’s not that big of a deal,” I say, even though I hate it. Now that Stef is gone, I’ll be getting that duty even more often. “I just clean the bathrooms to help out.” More like, Paul makes me do it because he knows I hate it so much, even though the men’s room is disgusting, and I’m surprised I haven’t contracted diseases from it.

“There’s a rotation for bathroom duty,” Damien says carefully, and the small frown deepens. “Nobody has to do it more than once a month. And you aren’t on the rotation. There’s no reason you should be doing this at all.”

As much as I dislike Paul, I really don’t want to be responsible for anyone else getting hurt because of me. “It’s really fine,” I insist, even though I hate it. “I just did it to help everyone else out so they could get their own cleaning done faster.”

“When I talk to Donny, I’ll make sure he knows that isn’t your job.” Damien sighs, and his expression loosens. “We won’t tell Giulio about that part.”

I nod in agreement, though it’s only going to make the other girls despise me more. At least Paul can’t take it out on Stef…

My heart aches. “There’s really nothing you can do about Stef?” I ask quietly. “I really will do everything you want. I won’t misbehave anymore. I promise.”

“The deal is done. With the kind of money involved, it would put us in a very bad position to ask to undo the transaction—we’d potentially have to exchange Stef for two girls instead.” Damien lets go of me and gets up, picking up both our plates. “It’s easier if you simply forget about her.”

I stare at him, incredulous. “You think I can just forget about her? She was my friend, Damien. She was the only person at Ntimacy who didn’t hate me.”

“There will be others. You’re so… kind, Vanessa. I love that about you. That’s how I knew you were perfect for… for Giulio. But the world isn’t a kind place.” He looks away from me and starts washing the plates. “The world will always disappoint you.”

For the first time, I wonder if he’s lost a child of his own, and that’s why he’s so adamant about Giulio having one. “Whose nursery was that?” I can’t help but ask, for all that my voice is quiet. Tentative.

The dishes clatter to the sink. For a few seconds, all Damien does is cling to the faucet while the water runs, and an apology is on the tip of my tongue.

Then Damien turns off the water and turns around to face me. “You looked?”

“I’m sorry,” I say quickly, standing up. Panic starts to surge within me, and I don’t know what to say or do to make this better. “I just got curious. I shouldn’t have looked. I shouldn’t have said anything. You’re just always so… mysterious with things, and I… I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Damien answers. He walks around the breakfast bar and extends a hand to me. “It isn’t a secret.”

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