Page 67 of Ruining Vanessa

If it’s not a secret, why is he always so weird about this pregnancy thing? “I still shouldn’t have asked,” I mumble, feeling more awkward than ever. I take his hand, though, not wanting to do anything else to make the situation worse.

Damien leads me back to that closed door, and after only a few seconds of hesitation, he pushes it open and flips the light switch. I don’t want to go in, but he urges me past the door and into the nursery proper.

The room feels hopeful and sad at the same time. The mobile above the crib, waiting for a child to look up into it before it will start moving. The stuffed animals on the shelves, staring eerily into the empty room. The wall on the far side that has clouds and flowers painted onto it.

Damien wraps his arms around me from behind and kisses the nape of my neck.

“The nursery is for… It’s for your child. Yours and Giulio’s.” His voice breaks a little in the middle, rough with more emotion than I’ve heard from him before.

“Why not yours?” I ask quietly, wanting to know. He’s never been open like this with me, almost fragile, and while I don’t want to take advantage of it, I’ve wondered this so many times. “Why Giulio’s? You want this more than he does. You’re… You’re an attractive man, and you have money. There must have been women in your past.”

Damien’s embrace tightens. “There were. But we never had children. Because… Because I can’t father children, Vanessa. I’m completely sterile.”

The realization is a shock to my system, and for a moment, I can’t help but think how unfair it is that someone who wants a child so badly can’t have one. But then I remember I’m here against my will, taken by three men who want me to be the mother of their child, and some of my empathy fades. Not all. But some. “Why not adopt, then?” I ask, biting my bottom lip. “That would be easier for you than… you know… keeping someone like me.”

He huffs a small laugh against my ear. “For some reason, the respectable adoption agencies don’t think consigliere to Emilio—or Giulio—Pavone is an acceptable job for a prospective parent. And I’m not going to… I’m not going to buy a child.” He bites that last sentence out like it insults him.

I doubt he’d tell the adoption agencies that he’s a part of the mafia anyway, but I can see his point. That means surrogacy is off the table, because he definitely wouldn’t want to pay someone… but it still doesn’t make any sense to me.

I’m out of arguments. I’m sure I could come up with more, but I’m not stupid enough to think he won’t have a retort for each and every one of them. He’d rather force a woman to bear Giulio Pavone’s child than do anything legal, which is probably why he can’t do the legal things to begin with. His lack of remorse, his willingness to take what he wants…

I look around the nursery again, trembling a little. One day, there will be a baby in that crib. A toddler playing with the stuffed animals. A small child who will grow up in the mafia life I wish I could’ve gotten out of.

“What if the baby doesn’t want this lifestyle?” I whisper. “What if the child wants to get away? Will you force a boy to join at ten? A girl to become alliance fodder?”

“I’m going to protect him or her no matter what,” Damien says, just as quietly. “I’d even… if I had to choose between Giulio and our child, I’d choose our child. But I don’t think Giulio would force me to make that choice.”

The words surprise me. I think of Damien as an extension of Giulio, not as his own person. The idea that he might go rogue is a strange one.

Then again, I highly doubt Giulio would’ve risen to power if Damien had been loyal to Emilio Pavone.

“Why’d you do it?” I can’t help but blurt out. “Why did you just leave his dad behind? You were supposed to protect him, but you chose to go with Giulio instead even though you could’ve saved Emilio.”

Not that I’m really complaining, because Lucia would’ve been stuck with the horrible man, but things would’ve been so different. Maybe better. Maybe worse.

“Emilio… Emilio was a powerful man. People were loyal to him because they were afraid of the consequences. I was loyal to him because, for a while, he gave me what I wanted. But… Giulio…”

“You love him,” I say, more sure of those words than any I’ve ever spoken. I want to hurt Damien, in a way. I want to ask him why he loves someone who obviously doesn’t love him back. But I can’t bring myself to say the words.

Damien doesn’t answer for a while. “It’s… complicated. Giulio is complicated. Taking care of Giulio is difficult. Taking care of you is easier. Softer. Nicer.” He runs his nose along my cheek, breathing in softly. “It would be simpler if I could have just you. I wouldn’t need to share you with Slayer. But I can’t… I can’t ever leave Giulio.”

“Why does he do that to you?” I ask, trembling in his arms as he actually answers the questions that have been haunting me for so long. “If you asked him not to include Slayer… Why doesn’t he listen? He has to see it’s hurting you.”

And it hurts me, too.

“I never asked him not to include Slayer.” Damien sighs a little and straightens. He’s the tallest of the three of them, tall enough that he can slot his chin over my head. “It would hurt Giulio not to include Slayer. He’s generous. He shares. And as much as I dislike Slayer, Giulio considers Slayer one of his closest friends. There aren’t a lot of people Giulio allows close to him.”

I nod, even though I don’t understand this dynamic. I don’t understand how the three of them work together, how I’m supposed to be a part of their life. And a child? How is a child supposed to fit into this?

I don’t know what to say. So I lean back against him a little, wishing for all the world that I’d chosen my future instead of having it chosen for me.

We stand there, staring at this strange, hopeful tomb, the silence and his arms around me strangely comforting.

“I’ve redone this room so often,” Damien mentions after a while. “I tried blue at first. But I don’t care if it’s a boy or a girl. Once, Giulio painted the room in an eye-searing neon green. That was before I’d gotten the furniture. He didn’t know what the room was for. I… I didn’t let him look at it after I filled it with furniture.”

In some ways, his words feel like a little bit of death inside of me. Something is ending, a door closing… another chapter opening. I’m not getting out of this. The last week has solidified that in my mind and heart.

Elena’s words ring in my ears, reminding me that the best future I have is one where I cooperate.

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