Page 100 of Rebel

I grind my teeth and grip her arm, keeping my eyes on him. “He’s a person. He’s a fucking person, which makes him more than something you use to have a good time.” I thrust her away then and lower into the booth, stopping at his side.

He’s drunk as hell, but the daze in his eyes worries me. Gripping his cheek, I pull him close. “Fuck, Chase, tell me you’re not high.” He blinks lazily, and something in me shatters.

I did this. I drove him to use again when he was sober.

I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself for that.

“Chase,” I demand.

He blinks, seeming to sober a little. “No,” he says. “I couldn’t do it.” I relax, breathing in a shaky breath. “I realized I wanted it to hurt, wanted to feel the pain of loving you. I wanted to feel because it meant it was real, even if it wasn’t.”

Oh God. I swallow back my pain and tears.

“Come on, let’s get you home.” I tug him to the end of the booth, but he shoves me away and falls backward, lying on his back on the sticky seat.

“No, I’m going to have a good night. I’m going to fuck everyone here and forget you.”

Gripping his hand, I help him up.

“I hate you,” he slurs.

“I know,” I whisper as I wrap my arm around him and drape his around me. “But I care about you, and I won’t let you self-destruct, not over something I did.”

It’s hard, but I amble us out of the bar, ignoring the onlookers, and then I head down the pavement, intent on getting us a taxi.

He leans into me. “Why’d you do it, Beck? Why’d you break my heart when I didn’t even know I had one?” He pulls away from me and slumps back into a wall as I swallow. “I didn’t know I could hurt like this, but you did, and you made it happen. Why’d you make me fall in love with you if you didn’t want me to love you?”

God, it hurts, and the pain in his voice destroys me in a way nothing else ever has. He’s so innocent, so trusting, so hurt.

“I never meant to make you love me, and I never meant to fall in love with you either,” I admit honestly.

He watches me with sad, drunk eyes, then he lurches forward, smashing his lips to mine. I soften and pull back, and he laughs bitterly. “Yet you won’t even kiss me, just another lie.” He falls back once more.

“I’ll kiss you tomorrow when you’re sober, then I’ll kiss you every day after. I’ll remind you why I’m worth the pain and effort, but not now. I won’t be another one of those women before me who took advantage of you, Chase. Do you understand me?” I grip his face. “Listen to me, we aren’t doing it like this, not while you are so drunk you can’t walk or talk. I will tell you that I love you when you’re sober. Even if you reject me, I’ll tell you now. Can I take you home?”

I hold out my hand. He watches me for a moment, and I’m afraid it’s too late, but then his calloused one lands in mine. “Fine,” he mutters. “I still don’t like you.”

“That’s okay. I don’t like myself much either,” I admit as I hail a taxi. I get him inside, and on the way home, he falls asleep with his head on my shoulder, and I realize then and there that I will fix this.

I will protect Chase from the pain, and I will say sorry until the day they forgive me.

I love him.

I love Chase Reed.

He’s cocky, he’s a smartass, and he’s talented, brave, cruel, and kind, but he’s also a secret softie who likes chocolate on his bread instead of butter, and hates the night but loves the day, and he’s mine.

He’s so messed up, but so am I.

Once I’ve settled Chase in bed after giving him some water and aspirin, I head back out. I have two other boyfriends to track down, and I’m determined because my sister was right.

There is more to this life than being alone, and when the end comes, even if we are lost in the darkness, I want them at my side.

I still want them, if they still want me.

Kolton is harder to find, but once I realize where he is, it breaks my heart. It took some bribing, but I got inside, and when I see him kicking his legs in the water, all alone and hurting, something inside me rebels.

Taking a deep breath, I head his way and sit next to him. I don’t bother rolling up my jeans, just drop my feet in next to his. He doesn’t speak for a while, and neither do I, unsure what to say. Out of all of them, Kolton looked the most hurt, and I understand why.

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