Page 101 of Rebel

“I’m sorry.” It’s the only thing I can think to say.

He jolts and lifts his eyes to mine.

“I am, more than you will ever know. I could make excuses or explain, but what it boils down to is, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Kolton, and you have to know it wasn’t all a lie. What started as a plan, well, it spiraled. I never expected you or to fall in love with you. I never would have given your secrets away. You trusted me with them, and I never would have betrayed that. I couldn’t. I need you to know that.” I feel my tears fall, and I dash them away as the blue water and lights reflect over his pale face. “I love you, Kolt. I do, I really do, and I’m sorry I lied. I’m sorry I hurt you. You have every right to hate me forever, but I hope you won’t. I made a mistake, and I’m hoping you’ll forgive me enough one day to give me a second chance because you are something special, Kolton. You are worth loving, you are worth fighting for, and you are worth so much more than me, but I can’t seem to let you go. You loved me when I didn’t even love myself, and I can’t give that back. I can’t let you go.”

I strip myself bare for him like he did for me as I look back at the water. “I was the steady girl, the serious girl. I never gave into emotions. I looked after my mom until she died. I was the one who took care of the funeral and house arrangements, and guess what? I was completely alone, and then my sister . . . It destroyed me. I had nothing left. I had been smart and good my entire life and look where it got me. I think losing both of them broke something in me, something I never thought I could get back until I met all of you. I did what I did because I loved my sister more than anything else in this world, but I also think I needed to be where she had been and to live her life just a little so I wasn’t as alone. It gave me a reason to keep living when I had none. I can’t go back and change what I did, and I don’t think I would because it brought me to you, to all of you, and I can’t regret that, even as messed up as it all is right now.”

I look back at him. “I loved my sister more than anything in this world, and she died without knowing that. I thought if I could figure out what happened and who was to blame, then I could show her that I loved her, but it was stupid. I’m sorry. She’s gone, and I just miss her so fucking much,” I sob, wrapping my arms around myself. “I regret everything I said to her the night she left. I want to take it back. I want to be on the sidelines, clapping for her, supporting her. Maybe she’d be alive and I wouldn’t be so fucked up, but I can’t change what happened. She’s gone, and I’m alone.”

“Not alone,” he murmurs, reaching over and taking my hand. “You made a huge mistake.” I swallow. “You hurt me a lot, Beck.”

“I know—” He covers my mouth.

“But some things are made to be broken. Some things need to fall apart, and sometimes the pain is just worth it. I’m broken, Beck, but so are you. You hurt me, but I’m still here. I’d still come if you called because it’s you. Look at us, Beck. Look at us and tell me this isn’t worth fighting for. It has to be when it feels this right. I’m not saying I can forgive you so easily for what you did, but you love so deeply, Beck, that it astounds me. You were so willing to give up your own life to avenge your sister, which I can understand even if I’m the target, and I think being loved that much by someone like you might be worth it.”

“We’re so messed up.” I sniff, wiping my face.

“True,” he agrees with a sad smile. “But so is life. Nobody is perfect, Beck. They just pretend to be. Nobody has it figured out, not really, so let’s figure it out together, okay?”

“You mean it?” I whisper. “After everything?—”

“Let’s start again. Hi, I’m Kolton.” He holds out his hand, and I smile.

“Hi, I’m Summer.” I shake it, and he grins.

“Nice to meet you, Summer,” he says. He grips my hand, and we sit with our feet in the water, just holding hands, and something inside me clicks into place.

Kolton offered to come, but I need to do this alone. I need to put us back together, so he went home to look after Chase. I know he hasn’t fully forgiven me, but it’s a chance to start again, and that’s all I can ask for.

I find him somewhere I didn’t expect. He’s sitting in the pouring rain in front of my sister’s memorial. I still don’t know what their relationship was, but it’s clear he cared. They all did, and I used that pain against them. Grabbing my umbrella, I head over and cover him. He’s sodden, but he gets to his feet and spins around, his eyes wild. When he sees me, his expression turns cold and angry.

“Go away, Beck, or whatever your name is,” he demands, raindrops pouring down his face.

“No.” I lift the umbrella higher to cover him, and he pushes it away. I stumble, and it drops. I don’t bother to pick it up, leaving it there as rain starts to soak me, chilling me to the bone.

We stare at each other in the pouring rain, unsure how to fix this.

“I’m sorry,” I tell him.

“Too late,” he snarls, his nostrils flaring. “There is nothing you could say that I would believe. You’re a liar?—”

I flinch. “I know.”

“I wasn’t finished,” he snaps, stepping forward. “You’re a liar, a user. Chase was right. You’re trouble. After all the shit we’ve been through for you?—”

“Please, Trav, just let me?—”

“Shut the fuck up. For once, Beck, shut the fuck up,” he yells, and my mouth snaps shut. I’ve never seen Trav lose his temper before. I deserve it, but I won’t let that part slide.

“No,” I yell back, matching his anger. “I fucked up. Is that what you want me to say? I made a fucking mistake?—”

“You fucking lied to us! You used us!” he screams in my face.

“I’m sorry!” I shout. “I’ll keep saying it. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Trav?—”

“It’s too fucking late,” he murmurs, stepping back, his face cold.

Panic fills me. I can’t lose him.

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