Page 57 of Study You

Gillian snorted. “You’ve no idea who I am or what I’m not capable of bringing to the table. Whatever it is you feel for me, Finn, it’ll soon fade out. It’s the idea of us being together…something taboo. That’s all.”

Finn turned and stopped in front of Gillian, dipping her head. “While you’re entitled to feel how you do, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell me what I should and shouldn’t feel. Or why I feel it. I’d also appreciate it if you didn’t dismiss what I know I feel for you.” Finn took one hand from her pocket and held onto Gillian’s. “Look, I don’t know the kind of life you’ve had. And yeah, you’re right when you say I have no idea who you are, but I would have liked the chance to learn those things. I would have appreciated the opportunity to know you better. On a deeper level. To…I don’t know, date you or something. Make you dinner.”

“Finn—”

“If you don’t feel anything for me, then that’s fine. I’ll respect that. But if you’re holding back because you don’t understand how or why I feel more for you than I was supposed to…then tell me that. Give me a chance. Fuck, I’ll take anything I can have, Gillian. If that means seeing you once a week and cooking you dinner, I’ll take it. If it means running away so we can go on a date, I’ll do that, too.” Finn was quickly changing her own terms and conditions here. She had always sworn she would never be anyone’s secret, but here she was…considering that if it meant she could be with Gillian. “I don’t need the world from you. I don’t need some guarantee that we’ll be together forever. But to see where this goes between us? Of course I want that.”

“Why?” Gillian slid her hand out of Finn’s and wrapped her arms around herself.

“Because I love spending my time with you.” Finn inched closer, her breath misting in the freezing cold air. “Because while I did initially want to fuck around with you, you’ve become so much more to me. I can’t explain why, you don’t open up enough for me to delve deeper, but I know that down the line, I’d like what I found. I know that you’re dedicated to your future and being happy. Why can’t I contribute to that if this all goes to plan?”

“Because you’re my student.”

Finn laughed. “Right. Okay. Back to that again, I see.”

“It’s true, Finn.”

“If you cared so much that I was your student, you wouldn’t have left that bar with me before Christmas, bent over the couch in your apartment, and begged me to fuck you. You can keep telling yourself that it’s enough of an excuse, but it’s really not. If it had been a one-off, maybe I’d believe you…but it wasn’t, was it? Unless the last couple of weeks didn’t happen, and I’m imagining this whole thing, it’s been far more than a one-off.”

“I can’t focus when I’m with you.” Gillian hooked her fingers through a belt loop on Finn’s jeans, guiding her in closer. “When we’re apart, I go over all the excuses in my mind, but when we’re together? God, I can barely function when we’re together.”

Finn leaned in and nipped at Gillian’s bottom lip, cradling her chin in her hand. “Tell me how you really feel, Gillian. If you want me, tell me.”

Gillian grazed her fingernails along the side of Finn’s head, stroking her buzz cut. God, that did all kinds to Finn’s body. “You don’t know how much I want you, Finn. You really don’t.” She pulled Finn away from the footpath, quickly crossing the grass. Finn wasn’t sure she liked the idea of hiding in a park on a winter’s night, but she would follow Gillian’s lead. “It’s just…” Gillian backed Finn up against a huge oak tree, pinning her to the trunk. As she frantically clawed at the button on Finn’s jeans, tears fell down Gillian’s face.

“Hey.” Finn placed a hand on Gillian’s.

“Please, Finn.” Gillian whimpered, her trembling hands popping the button. “Please let me touch you.”

Oh, Gillian was welcome to touch Finn whenever she wanted. But like this? And here? Gillian wasn’t that type of woman. “Are you sure this is what you want?”

Gillian looked up at Finn, those sad eyes breaking her heart. “I can’t have what I really want, but this…you know I want you. You’re all I think about.”

Finn nodded slowly, guiding Gillian’s hand down the front of her boxer shorts. Gillian gasped when her fingers met Finn’s wetness, a guttural moan rumbling in Finn’s throat in response. “H-how can this be wrong with you when it feels as though we’re meant to be?”

Gillian braced a hand against the trunk, silencing Finn with one hell of a kiss. It felt different, it felt…final all over again. This kiss was the kiss that would replace the one they’d shared in the hotel room. “One last time. I need this with you…one last time.”

And there it was.

The finality once more.

Gillian rolled her fingertips over Finn’s clit, dipping lower and easing two fingers inside her. Finn trembled, her own tears mixing with Gillian’s, a bittersweet moment she never wanted to feel again. Gillian was bringing her towards the edge of another glorious high…but they couldn’t be. Did Gillian feel the pain as much as Finn did? Finn hoped not. She wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone.

She held onto Gillian’s face, staring deep into her eyes. “I don’t want to let go.”

“Please,” Gillian whispered. “For me. Please.”

Finn fought back the lump in her throat and experienced Gillian for the final time. Hadn’t this been her one regret back at the hotel room? Not feeling Gillian once more? “C-close.” That intense sensation in the pit of her stomach started to rise, their eyes locked on one another’s. Gillian sunk deeper, and as Finn bucked her hips, meeting every thrust, her orgasm roared through her. “Fuck.” Finn’s knees trembled, her back pressed hard to the trunk to keep her upright. “S-shit, oh, God.”

Gillian pressed her forehead to Finn’s as she sniffled. “You’re so beautiful when you come.”

No. Stop saying things like that.

Finn lowered her eyes, overcome with emotion that she refused to show. If this was the final out, she wouldn’t make Gillian feel bad about it. Still, she had something she wanted to ask. It was a waste of time, but she needed to ask. “Do you need me to do this in secret with you? Because I will…for you.”

Gillian tugged her bottom lip between her teeth, tears in her eyes. “I couldn’t ever expect you to do that. It wouldn’t be fair.”

“I think you’re worth it.”

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