Page 58 of Study You

Gillian blinked a tear away, an unusual look in her eyes. “I’m not worth anything to anyone, Finn. You’ll realise that soon enough. And that’s why I can’t be what you need me to be. I can’t take the pain of being nothing anymore. Not with you.”

“You’re not worth anything?” Finn frowned, taken aback by that comment. “Who the fuck told you that?”

Gillian sighed and placed her palm on Finn’s chest. She smiled weakly, almost laughing. “It really doesn’t matter. What matters is that you realise I’m doing you a favour by not allowing this to become something that will hurt one or both of us.”

“I-I…no. That’s…no.” Fuck. Finn needed to process this stuff Gillian was saying. How she spoke so little of herself. She quickly buttoned her jeans back up, her legs still shaking. “Gillian, you’re not nothing. You’re…God, you mean a lot to me. Why can’t you understand that? Or at least accept it?”

“Because,” Gillian said, cupping Finn’s cheeks and drawing her into a kiss. Finn almost melted, not wanting this moment to end. “You’ll leave me when something better, someone younger, comes along, too.”

Gillian lowered her hands, turned, and walked away.

“Gillian!” Finn rushed up behind her, stopping her with a hand on the wrist. “Please, wait!”

“Go home, Finn.” She turned and met Finn’s eyes, more tears streaming down her beautiful face. “Please, just go home.”

“If you walk away from me right now, I’m done. Forever. You don’t get to bring me here, do what you just did, and then walk away. How fucking dare you!” Gillian had her demons, so what? Finn was old enough to deal with them. “You say you feel things for me. You fuck me as though I’m the only person in this world that matters to you. And the way you kiss me…you can lie to yourself as much as you want, but I see right through you.”

Gillian visibly swallowed, shaking where she stood.

“I don’t give a fuck what anyone has told you in the past; I’m telling you what I see. How I feel. You have no right to dismiss me like that. Not if I mean anything to you at all.” Finn chanced her luck and moved closer. “If you never want to see me again, say the word, and I’m fucking gone. I’ll switch universities—I don’t care. But if you’re doing this because of a past experience, one that has absolutely nothing to do with me, then you really need to think hard about whether you really want that.”

“Finn.”

“No. Don’t Finn me. Listen to me.” Finn dipped her head when Gillian cast her gaze on the ground. “Have I not shown you how I feel about you? Even when I was trying to hide those feelings, did I not give anything away? That morning after my birthday, when I held you in my arms and we came together… Did you not feel that intensity the way I did?”

Gillian nodded slowly. “It’s all I think about.”

“You know, if there weren’t so many rules about this, if I didn’t have to watch every move I make…that probably would have been the moment I started to fall in love with you.” Finn scoffed. “Thank God for those rules, hey.”

Gillian lowered herself to the bench she was standing in front of, placing her head in her hands. “I’m sorry.”

“You keep apologising, but I don’t know why.”

She looked up at Finn, smiling weakly. “For not being honest with you.”

“About what?” Finn sat beside Gillian, placing a gentle hand on her shoulder. “If we’re ever going to work this out, I need you to talk to me, Gillian.”

“Everything. All of it. I’ve been far more into you than I let on since the moment we met. When we had those conversations about rules and boundaries, I already felt far too much for you. I thought I could convince myself that I didn’t need something more from you, that the desire I had to just be with you was just a part of the sex, but I can’t. I can’t lie to myself anymore, and I can’t lie to you anymore.”

Wow. Finn hadn’t expected that.

“My life is a fucking mess, Finn. You were the only one who made it feel remotely un-messy. You gave me hope, you made me feel as though I was worth more than what I’d spent the last several months telling myself, and you made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.”

Finn smiled. “Because you are.”

Gillian turned to Finn and swallowed, brushing tears from her face. “I’m scared of getting hurt again. I’m terrified that I’ll go through what I’ve already been through. I just…I want to feel normal again. And you gave me that.”

“Then let me keep giving you that.” Finn took Gillian’s face in her hands. She studied every inch of it, still breathless by this woman’s beauty. “Give me a chance, Gillian. I don’t ever want to look back and have any regrets. But if I lose you without fighting, it’ll be the biggest regret of my life.”

“I fear the very same thing.” Gillian closed her eyes, leaning into Finn’s touch where one hand remained. “I don’t want a life without you in it, Finn.”

And that was the very thing Finn had needed to hear. Something honest and meaningful from Gillian.

“Come on. I’m taking you home.” Finn got to her feet and guided Gillian up with her. When Gillian held onto Finn’s hip, those eyes puffy and red, Finn simply leaned in and kissed her. “You’ve done the hard part in admitting how you feel. We can figure the rest out, okay?”

“I am sorry.” Gillian placed her palm on Finn’s chest. “I never should have left that hotel last week, allowing you to believe that I didn’t feel anything for you.”

“Hey,” Finn said, smiling. “It’s done now. We move forward.”

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