Page 59 of Study You

Gillian wrapped her arms around Finn, nuzzling into her neck.

“You’re going to go home, and I’m going to be right behind you. I just need to stop off on the way, but I won’t be long, okay?”

Gillian pulled back, nodding slowly. “Okay.”

* * *

If you walk away now, I’m done. Forever.

Those words played on repeat in Gillian’s mind, the thought of losing Finn once and for all quite terrifying for her. She had needed to hear it. She had needed Finn to put her in her place so she could take her head out of her arse long enough to understand the severity of her actions. Because tonight, Gillian realised just how much she wanted Finn. Not the arrangement or the sex, but Finn. In the flesh and as a whole package for a long time to come.

Only as she sat at the stool in her kitchen, head in hands, Gillian had to wonder if Finn would actually turn up at her apartment as she’d promised. This evening had been emotional, Gillian felt as though she could drop off to sleep at any moment, but she couldn’t do that until she had seen Finn again. To clear the air one final time, to promise Finn she was here and that she would try harder.

In this moment, nothing meant more to her.

She took her phone from her back pocket, chewing her lip. Should she call Finn and check everything was okay? Should she leave it alone and hope Finn came to her? A text message wouldn’t hurt…

Gillian brought Finn’s messages up, jumping slightly when there was a knock at her door. She rushed from the stool and pulled the door open, her heart pounding when Finn stared back at her. She held a bouquet of flowers and a bottle of red wine.

As she stared back at Finn, everything changed inside Gillian. The words Finn had spoken in the park played on a loop. How she reassured Gillian, even when Gillian tried to push her away. The way in which she’d taken everything in her stride while standing her ground. Gillian didn’t know what was to come for them, but she knew in her heart that the woman standing out in the hallway was the woman she was supposed to be with. Forbidden or not, it didn’t matter. Gillian would always want her.

“I thought you wouldn’t come here.”

Finn smiled. “Sorry, I kinda broke into your apartment block. These flowers aren’t the best, I can do far better, but they’re for you.”

Gillian felt her bottom lip quiver as she reached out for them. “Finn.”

Finn held up her hands once they were free. “No. Don’t say anything. Just hear me out, please?”

“Okay.”

“When you asked me to leave before, when we were at the park, I almost did. I wanted to respect your decision to not see me again. I thought I’d fucked up by wanting more from you, but now that you’ve opened up a little, I get it, okay? We all have a past we’re not particularly fond of, and I now understand that yours wasn’t great. Whatever happened, whoever it happened with…I’m not them, Gillian. When I tell you that I won’t hurt you, I mean that with my whole heart.” Finn puffed out her cheeks. “If I seemed harsh at the park, it wasn’t my intention. You just…I had to be brutal with you to make you see the mistake you were making.” Finn stepped inside Gillian’s apartment, taking the flowers and wine as she kicked the door shut. She placed them on the coffee table and took Gillian in her arms. “You deserve the flowers and the wine. Quite frankly, you deserve anything you want. And I’m going to try to give that to you. I’m going to give this one hell of a shot because you mean so fucking much to me.”

Gillian fisted her hand in the T-shirt Finn wore beneath her leather jacket. “I know I’ve fucked you around multiple times now, but this is it, okay? You and me…here. You and me…figuring out a way forward.”

“Phew. I thought my flowers were shit and you’d throw them at me.”

Gillian laughed from deep within her belly, pressing her forehead to Finn’s shoulder. “Your flowers were perfect.”

Finn cradled Gillian’s chin when she lifted her head. “In case I forget to tell you, you have a fucking gorgeous laugh.”

Gillian flushed, lowering her eyes. “And in case I forget to tell you, you’re one of the only people who makes me laugh these days.”

“Come on. Let’s sit down.” Finn took Gillian’s hand and moved into the living room, the picture of cool, calm, and collected. For some reason, that settled Gillian. If Finn was calm, then she had no reason to panic herself. It seemed silly to be that way. While Finn had riled her up on many occasions in the past, she had relaxed Gillian in equal measures. “Now, are you sure you want me here?”

“Yes. I’m sure.”

“Then I’m happy to stay a while.” Finn held onto Gillian’s hand, that soft skin safe and warm. “Let’s just take a moment, you know?”

Gillian appreciated that far more than Finn would know. One thing she’d always felt comfortable with was sitting in silence with Finn. She was just that kind of person. “Yes. I definitely need a moment. I need several, actually.”

Finn sunk down onto the couch, holding Gillian when she sat beside her. Everything may well be a mess—as Gillian had claimed at the park—but with Finn’s arms around her, Gillian struggled to imagine a time when they said goodbye once and for all. Being held by Finn when no sex had been involved was new for her. It was delightful, in all honesty. Perhaps it was time for Gillian to clean up said mess…and just go with this. How hard could that be?

“Take all the time you need. I’m not going anywhere until you kick me out.”

Gillian brought her legs up onto the couch, inhaling Finn’s scent when she nuzzled into her chest. “Thank you for coming back here. I know we have things to talk about, but can we just be like this tonight? No more talking, just…this?”

Finn kissed the top of Gillian’s head, sinking further down into the couch. “Yes. This feels pretty damn good to me.”

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