Page 35 of Not So Casual

“Good man.” We clink our glasses together before spending another hour at the bar talking about nothing in particular.

However, my mind is never too far away from Elias and the hope that something more can happen between us.

Elias

Sitting on my couch, I have a glass of white wine in one hand, and I’m wrapped up in a snuggly blanket watching Dawson’s Creek. A guilty pleasure of mine is rewatching old TV shows, and this is my most recent choice. I’m always team Pacey and Joey. Sometimes, it's nice to rewatch old shows, especially when I have a lot going on in my mind.

Alexander went out with Marcus tonight, so I stayed at home. He told me I could stay at his condo by myself, but that didn’t feel right to me, so I came back to my place. And now I’m in my feelings.

This past month with Alexander has been amazing, and it’s why I know it needs to end. The more time I spend with him outside of work, the more I find myself falling in love with him. The casual touches that don’t seem so casual anymore, the soft kisses that don’t lead to sex, the laughter, and playfulness we have with each other doing simple things. It all means so much more to me.

Which is why I have to end things.

Which is also why I’ve almost finished half a whole bottle of wine. By myself.

A tear slips free, and I use my sleeve to quickly wipe it away, willing myself to not cry. Again. I fucking knew this would happen, and I still did it anyway. I’m not built for casual, but I wanted Alexander badly enough that I did something that wasn’t me.

I should have stopped things a while ago, but things started to change. Or, at least for me, things were changing. And now I’ve gone and fallen in love with him, and I’m a fucking idiot.

I toss back the wine in my glass before grabbing the bottle for a refill. Nothing comes out, so I lift it upside down, shaking it wildly, willing a drop to fall out, but nothing comes. Of fucking course. I only had half a bottle to begin with, but still, it’s gone too quickly. Sighing, I set the glass and the bottle down onto the coffee table when there’s incessant rapping on my front door.

“Ugh,” I say out loud. The knocking stops, and I debate whether to answer when it starts back up again.

“Coming!” I yell, throwing the blanket off me and stepping into my slippers.

Grumbling the whole way to the door, I swing it open, my eyes widening when I see Alexander standing there.

“Alexander? What are you doing here?”

He’s standing on my doorstep, looking fucking delicious. He’s wearing black slacks with a black sweater, his ankle is crossed over the other one, leaning against the door jamb. Likewise, he smells of sandalwood and I just want to breathe him in.

“Went out with Marcus and was on my way home, and I didn’t want to go to an empty place. I wanted to be with you, so I turned around and headed straight here.”

My heart races at his admission of wanting to be with me tonight. We haven’t spent much time away from each other, but I thought for sure tonight I would be cuddling my pillow.

“Come in.”

I turn around while he follows behind me, after closing and locking the door. He walks after me until we reach the living room. He plops down on one side of the couch, while I take the other. My emotions are still high from earlier, and I’m not sure I won’t break down any second.

Him showing up here saying he didn’t want to go to an empty place and wanted to be with me? That doesn’t sound casual, and it makes me confused. Which is why I need to end things. I can’t risk having him break my heart.

“How was your night?” I ask, grabbing the blanket and draping it back over me.

“It was good. I always enjoy hanging out with Marcus.”

“That’s good.” Taking in a deep breath, I dig deep down, trying to find my courage. “We need to talk.”

“Oh, uh, yeah, sure.” He looks at me dumbfounded, and I can’t blame him. Everyone knows that ‘we need to talk’ is a bad thing. “What do we need to talk about?”

“Us.”

“Us?” he reiterates. “What about us?”

“I don’t think I can do this anymore,” I whisper, looking anywhere but at him. I can’t see the look on his face. I don’t know which would break me more, him being sad or him not caring at all.

“What?” Scooting closer to me, his hand finds my knee, and even through the blanket, electricity shoots through my body, causing an involuntary shiver. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t think I can do casual anymore, Alexander.” Closing my eyes, a tear falls down my face and I sigh. There I said it.

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