Page 15 of Shielding Soledad

Fatherhood gave me a new perspective, but it was a hell of a ride. Just seeing Luke’s sweet face, so like his mother’s even though he had my coloring, made my heart warm—but in the next second, my soul could freeze with fear. And it wasn’t only this business with Bruce that caused my trepidation. The idea of being a dad was full of pitfalls. I supposed that was true for everyone, but I’d grown up with a poor excuse for a father and no mother that I could remember except in the vaguest way. It was more the sudden absence I’d felt when she left than anything. And then my father…

I struggled to brush aside the memories. I knew my brothers had tried to shield me from the brunt of my father’s violence, but they’d been kids themselves. Since my paternal model had been an abusive drunk, what the hell did I know about being a father to a young child? Sure, I’d had the Admiral—but he hadn’t been in our lives yet when we were really little. He’d done at amazing job at getting through to a trio of angsty, traumatized teen boys, but what would he have done with a baby? I had no idea, having never seen him with one.

I shouldn’t let my thoughts go in that direction. If my brothers were there, they would yank me back from that precipice—and so would Soledad—but I couldn’t help myself. Everything was in turmoil. I had a son to care for, an enemy to battle, and decisions to make about my future.

The clock was ticking on that last one. I had to make the choice soon about whether I was going to re-enlist or leave the service. My paternity leave was nearly up, and the possibility of an investigator job with Colin’s firm tempted me. It might mean some odd hours and travel, but I wouldn’t be overseas and out of touch for months as I would be on SEAL missions.

Could I really go half a year or longer without seeing Luke?

I didn’t know the answer to that question. I did know that I couldn’t leave until the situation with Bruce was resolved and I was certain Luke and Soledad were safe. Once that was accomplished, I could sort out the rest. The options played in my mind on a loop, but I kept getting stuck on one possibility. What if I stayed and tried for a real relationship with Soledad, so we could be a family? What if I could have a life like my brothers and cousins did, with their wives and kids?

It sounded great, but nothing like that had ever worked out in my life. Others had always failed me, whether by choice or not. I knew the soul-searing pain of disappointment; I’d lived it again and again with my parents and the Admiral. If I took the risk to form a family with Soledad, how could I expect a different outcome? She would always have the capacity to inflict that pain on me, even if only to make a choice that bettered her life. Even now she was considering moving on.

That’s what happened. I’d learned that lesson long ago. Choosing to give her that kind of power over me was just setting myself up for the inevitable fall.

And what about Luke? What would be best for him in all this? Even if I tried my hardest to make it work, I risked disappointing my son. That brought me up short. How could I live with myself if I failed this tiny being who knew nothing but trust?

I felt a soft hand on my shoulder and smiled at my son’s touch, given just when I needed it most. “Life’s tough, Luke,” I said, “and I’ll probably disappoint you. I’m sorry for that in advance.” The chances that I wouldn’t be there—or be enough—for my son were so great.

“For you, though,” I promised, kissing the boy’s forehead, “I’ll try my best.”

Soledad

“Try your best at what?” I asked, catching his last words as I walked closer. I caught my breath, too. The sight of Alex and Luke, their heads close together, did things to me that I didn’t want to admit. Maybe it was some heightened maternal instinct, but I wanted to hold them both close and love them forever. Luke was mine to do that with. His father… I didn’t know.

“At fatherhood,” Alex answered.

“Oh,” I whispered, taken aback at his response. Did he think he was failing in some way? From what I could see, he was doing an amazing job. He’d really stepped up, never hesitating to change loaded diapers or walk the floor for hours in the middle of the night. He was always so patient with Luke, so gentle, and it was obvious how much he loved his son. What could he possibly think was wrong in any of that? It all seemed perfect to me. And how unlike Alex to admit to feeling any fear or doubt. He was never the type to let down his guard. It made me want to reassure him, to offer some pithy platitude, but that felt false. Honesty was the best course.

“I worry about that myself, you know. I think a lot about being a good mom to Luke.” I sat down on the grass near them and reached out to stroke Luke’s bare foot. “Parenting is way harder than it seems from the outside. I second-guess everything, and that’s only going to get worse as he gets older. There’s a lot of pressure to get it right, because there’s no do-over on this.”

“Good way to put it. No do-overs,” Alex repeated, pushing himself up to his elbows and bringing us closer to each other than we’d been in days. “But I’ve watched you. You’re an awesome mom. From day one, you’ve been devoted to Luke and his well-being.”

“You’ve been great, too,” I said sincerely.

He shook his head as though deflecting my praise. “You don’t have to say that to make me feel better.”

“I’m not,” I insisted. “I have to admit that I wondered what kind of a dad you’d be, after your…” I didn’t know all the details of his youth since he didn’t like to talk about it, but I’d heard enough throwaway comments from him and his brothers that I’d pieced together a story of neglect and abuse until they’d been taken in by the Admiral. His blue eyes burned into mine, and I couldn’t finish the sentence, knowing what a private thing his history was to him. “Anyways, I’ve been pleased with your approach to fatherhood and the care you’ve shown to a baby you knew nothing about until his birth.”

“How did you think I’d behave?” His tone suggested he took my words as an insult.

“Don’t take offense. Please. You have to remember that my expectations for dads are really low.” I tried to sound upbeat despite the difficult topic. “Mine was out the door within a year of when I was born—and from what my mom says, he was never all that interested in taking care of me or spending time with me even before he left. Just about the only thing he gave me was my name. And what a name.” I rolled my eyes.

What sort of father would name a child “solitude” or “loneliness,” the English translations of my name? Certainly not a father who planned to raise that child and love her. I had wondered, more times than I could remember, if the word was meant to apply to me, to seal my fate in some way—or was it an expression that described my father? I couldn’t speak for him, but I’d be damned if I’d succumb to melancholy. Now or ever.

“It’s a beautiful name,” Alex said gently, “despite its meaning.”

“Thanks for that,” I said and smiled, “but back to my point. Luke is lucky to have you as his father.”

“Maybe. I’m worried that someday he’ll hate me for disappointing him.”

What? Did Alex really believe that? What nonsense.

“Of course you’ll disappoint him,” I replied, and his face froze. Before he could speak, whether to protest or agree, I charged forward with my point. “Everyone is disappointed at some point—by their family, their friends, whoever—but since when is that the be-all and end-all of our lives? You can’t carry that worry around with you every day. As my mother would have said, disappointments are like back-fence cats.” My mom had loved that expression.

“What the hell does that mean?” he scoffed.

“Language.” I tilted my head to the baby between us. “It means that they happen, and you can’t prevent them. All you can do is deal with them. Disappointment is as common as rain in April. My mother would have told you to build a bridge over those floodwaters and cross it.”

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