Page 75 of The Darkness Within

“A few times. I mean, I don’t know how you do it, but I don’t get on my knees and pray, or make some big ritual out of it. I just… Talk to him, you know? When I’m driving in the car, or when I’m in the shower.”

“That’s fine. Everyone does what works for them, and that’s what you should do. I talk to my buddy Eric all the time. I’m not in favor of the formal approach either. But this next step, the fourth step, is a doozy, and I just want to make sure you’ve established a connection with someone you can reach out to because you’re gonna need it.”

“Fuck, Brewer. What do you have in store for me now?”

He laughs again, easy and open, and the sound is like music to my ears. I could listen to him laugh again and again. It soothes my soul.

“So, the fourth step is to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves and our shortcomings.”

“What the hell does that mean? Do you want to know that I’m a bad dancer, and that I forget to floss my teeth?”

“No, I already knew those things. You should make a list of the people you’ve wronged, and how you wronged them, because the next step is to make it right with them. It’s never easy to take a hard, honest look at yourself and see the ugly truth of your actions.”

“I gotta tell you, Brewer, all this stepwork is having the opposite effect on me. It just makes me want to get high.”

Again, he laughs. The sun catches his eyes and the auburn highlights in his hair. He’s fucking gorgeous.

“Some people have a longer list than others, but what matters is that you tell the truth.”

“I didn’t use for years, and I don’t have a family that I lied to and neglected. I’m not really sure what you want me to say.”

“I just want you to be honest with yourself. Trust me, the more you think about it, the more answers you’ll come up with. Don’t rush it.”

Brewer gets to his feet and heads back into the kitchen, and my phone chimes with an incoming message.

Mandy:

You coming over to West and Brandt’s for movie night?

Mandy. Fuck, there’s one amends I definitely need to make. Make that two, ‘cause I’m going to have to apologize for lying about being busy tonight. They’re going to watch Top Gun again, I just know it. They played it last month, and I’d rather swallow glass than watch it again.

Can’t, I’m busy.

Mandy:

Liar ??

A searching and fearless moral inventory? I might as well add Liza, Riggs, and most importantly, Gutierrez to the list.

The door opens again, and Tex pokes his head out. “Can you give me a ride to a meeting? My car won’t start.”

“Sure,” I grumble, not really wanting to. If I drive him, I’ll have to stay for the whole thing. Not really how I wanted to start my day.

“Sweet, we’ve got to leave in fifteen minutes. I’ll go grab my bag and meet you at the car.”

“Did you want me to take a look at it for you?”

“Sure. It’s held together with duct tape and prayers. I’m surprised it’s lasted this long. But if you can figure out how to get a few more miles out of it, I’d be so grateful.”

I feel kind of bad for the kid. He washed out of the Army after his fourth year, wisely deciding not to renew his contract, but never learned a valuable skill. He doesn’t have much money but says that he’s not the academic type either, so he has no plans to put his G.I. Bill to use. Tex skips around from job-to-job, a lot like he lives the rest of his life, bed-to-bed, day-to-day. He makes decisions on a whim and thinks responsibility, career, and future, are cuss words.

Then again, he has a heart made of pure sunshine and a smile to match. He’s an easy-going guy who always makes time to help others. His Sergeant must have had a field day with him when he was enlisted. I couldn’t lead a man like that, he’d be washing toilets every day until his contract ran out. But he’s a valuable asset to have as a friend.

He hands me the keys to his car and climbs into mine.

“So, I overheard.” He shoots me a coy look, trying for innocence, but I’m not buying it. Not for a second.

“Of course you did.”

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