Page 76 of The Darkness Within

“Purely accidental,” he says, holding his hands up. “You’re working the fourth step? I remember when I did mine. It was a long list.” He laughs.

“I bet.”

“Have you started yet?”

“Yeah, and I’m done. I’ve got like four names.”

Tex shoots me a what the fuck glance. “You have to have more than four names.”

“I don’t have a lot of friends, so I didn’t piss off a lot of people.”

“It doesn’t work that way, soldier. It’s not just about people you pissed off. You have to take a full accounting of your actions. List all the dirty deeds you’re ashamed of that you wish you could take back. You can’t tell me you don’t have regrets.”

“I mean, I guess?”

“Of course you do,” he insists, turning the radio station to something he favors. “We all have regrets. You don’t have to make amends to every one of them, you just have to own it. If there’s three things addicts can do best, it’s lie, cheat, and steal. Now, we have to be held accountable for our actions, and that means getting completely honest about all the dirty shit we did.”

“Wow, I bet your sponsor’s ears are burning.”

Tex laughs, a beautiful feminine sound that matches his pretty face. “Brewer is my sponsor.”

“Get the fuck out.”

His smile grows wider. “Don’t you feel better now? Knowing that anything you say can’t possibly be as bad as my list? Takes some of the pressure off, doesn’t it?”

“You’re a fucking mess,” I tease.

Throughout the meeting, his words weigh heavily on my mind. I’ve done plenty of shit I’m not proud of, even before I started using. But I spend most of my day running from the past, trying not to collide with it again for fear of the explosion in the aftermath. Recounting my past deeds is the last thing I want to do. Can I ever just find any fucking peace? From the man I used to be, or from the life I used to live? Can’t I just wipe the slate clean and move on?

My stomach feels torn up, and I don’t know if it’s the bitter coffee or my thoughts. Most likely my guilt. Brewer’s words come back to me, acting like my conscience, like Jiminy Cricket. If we don’t remember the past, we’re destined to repeat the same mistakes.

I hope all of this soul-searching bullshit makes me a better man in the end, one deserving of a man like Brewer, so that it’s not all for nothing.

Two weeks later and I’ve got a complete, somewhat complete, list of my unfortunate transgressions. I scoop up Valor, depositing him in the sling, and head to the kitchen to make lunch. Valor’s purring and vibrating against my chest is a familiar comfort. When he’s not doing his motorboat routine, I feel almost naked.

Slowly but surely, my appetite is returning, and I’ve added a third meal to my day. Sometimes snacks, too. It has a lot to do with my mood. With my list burning a hole in my pocket, I throw together a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and take a seat at the table.

It’s Sunday, so most of the guys are home. Brewer joins me, taking a seat at the table with his ham and cheese sandwich, and I slide the folded piece of paper across the table.

“What’s this?” He unfolds it and scans the list. “You did a good job. But you’re forgetting one thing, the most important name on this list.”

Leaning forward, I take a look but I can’t find what’s missing. The most important name on the list is G, and I wrote his name first.

“I don’t think so, I’ve got everyone I can think of.”

Victor

Liza

Riggs

Mandy

Past physical therapists

Warrant Officer Burgess

He grabs a pen from the counter, rejoining me at the table, and scrawls a name at the top of my list.

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