Page 44 of The Story Of Us

I don’t expect that to be her first question, but it’s the most recent bombshell I’ve dropped on her, so it makes sense. I can’t hide anything from her anymore; the sheer effort has become too much, so I just tell her the truth.

“I said what I meant. I didn’t want to take it, but I had to. I still don’t want to go to Oxford or study law.”

“Why did you take it then?”

“You know why.” The exhaustion is clear in my voice.

We had so many conversations about the LNAT before I told her about my decision not to take it, and almost all of those conversations revolved around the fact that I was just doing what my parents wanted me to do.

“I want you to tell me.”

I sigh, but I know I owe her this much, at least.

“I took it so my parents would think I was still trying for Oxford. It’s the only way they’ll leave me alone. But I’m still trying so hard to follow the plans we-I made.”

Her shaky exhale lets me know she noticed my slip-up, and I want to reach out to her so badly. There were so many times that we spilled out our worries and comforted each other, but we can’t do that for each other now, and that’s what’s making this so much harder. She turns her head to the ceiling for a bit, eyes blinking rapidly before she looks back at me.

“Are your parents…”

She hesitates, but I know how she was going to finish that question. She wants to know if they’re the reason I broke up with her.

“They’re part of it. You know they’ve set my entire life up to follow what they want me to do. ”

She just nods, giving me the space to continue talking.

“And I have to think about Izzy, too. I don’t want that same pressure on her. So I thought if I make them happy enough then maybe they’ll leave her alone, let her do whatever she wants to do. But I’m selfish, Violet. I want that for me, too, but I can’t have it.”

“I don’t think that’s selfish.” She says simply, and I wish I could believe her.

“I took the exam because that’s what they want from me. But I still don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what I want anymore. And I don’t know what’s going to happen in a few months when offers start coming through. I’m just trying to get through it all one day at a time, but it’s hard, Violet. It’s so hard.”

I drop my head into my hands, pushing my glasses up so they sit on my forehead instead. I press my hands into my eyes, needing to calm myself down. I still haven’t even told her everything, but just this has taken all the energy from me. Being this open with her for the first time in months feels so relieving yet worrying at the same time.

Soft fingers wrap around my wrists, and I almost start crying.

It’s the first time she’s touched me since we broke up, and it feels like my chest is about to cave in. I don’t deserve her kindness after everything I’ve put her through, but she’s giving it anyway.

“I thought you stopped doing that,” she says as she gently pulls my hands away from my face, my glasses dropping back down crooked on my nose. She loosens her grip on one of my wrists to fix my glasses, and the gesture is so tender that I have to hold back the tears I can feel forming.

“I did.” I don’t need to finish the rest of the sentence for her to know that I started doing it again after we broke up.

The first time she caught me doing it, she asked why so I explained to her that the pressure of it calms me down and distracts my mind. She made me promise not to do it again, worried for my already bad eyes. She said I could talk to her whenever I got too overwhelmed or needed a distraction. But then we broke up, and the habit started up again.

“Isaac.” She’s still holding my wrists, and the weight of her hands is so comforting that I just want to sink into it. But I can’t lean on her anymore; I’ve lost that privilege. When I finally move my gaze to her face, she looks so sad. “Why didn’t you just tell me about your parents?”

“I don’t know.” The lump in my throat makes it hard to speak. Her hands on my wrists make it hard to think.

“When we broke up-”

“I can’t do this, Violet. I’m sorry.” I pull my hands away from her and regret it instantly, wanting her touch again. But I can’t think when she’s touching me, never could, and I need a clear head before I say something that makes this even worse. “I know I said I wanted to explain it all to you, but I can’t do it right now.”

The tears finally fall, and I quickly wipe them away with my sleeve, not wanting her to feel sorry for me because I don’t deserve it. I’m the only reason I feel like this right now, so I need to deal with it alone and not burden her.

“It’s okay.” She moves her chair closer to mine, a sad smile on her face.

I close my eyes, tears still streaming down my face, but I don’t have the energy to wipe them away anymore. Then her hand is on my cheek, her thumb swiping across it to clear the tears away, and it just makes me cry even harder. “You don’t have to say anything else.”

My shoulders are shaking, and the tears won’t stop falling as she wipes them away. It’s the first time I’ve truly cried in so long, and it’s like all the built-up emotions from the last few months are finally being released. Violet, my parents, Izzy, my friends—every single emotion I feel for them is pouring out of me right now, and I can’t stop it.

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