Page 45 of The Story Of Us

“I miss you, Violet.”

17

VIOLET

His words pierce my heart, and my hand stills on his face, but he hasn’t stopped crying. I can feel my heart breaking all over again. I’ve never seen him like this before, and every instinct in my body is telling me to comfort him, to put aside everything that happened between us and just be here for him right now.

But then I think about how we got here in the first place, how even though I told him he didn’t need to say anything else right now, there are still so many unanswered questions. I think about how we’ve reached the point where I even have to second guess trying to help him, something that felt as natural as breathing before, and I pull away, shuffling my chair back to put some distance between us.

“You don’t get to say that. You broke up with me.”

My voice is quiet like I didn’t even want to say that last sentence out loud. So many emotions are swirling through my head: anger, hurt, and sadness because I wish we had never gotten to this point—a point where he even has to say those words to me—a point where I’m too scared to admit that I miss him, too.

“I know, but it’s the truth.” He sniffs, eyes still closed, and his mouth turned downwards, and I’ve never seen him look so distraught before. “I miss you, Violet.”

He finally opens his eyes, and he’s looking at me with so much defeat and resignation in them, like he’s been fighting a battle for the past few months, and I’m the white flag he’s been looking for so that he can finally stop.

“Isaac, I…”

There’s a lump in my throat that’s making it impossible to speak, and I don’t know how I’ve managed to keep it together this whole time.

He closes his eyes again, shaking his head like he’d rather not hear what I have to say. After the way I’ve spoken to him the past few weeks, I think he’s always expecting to hear the worst from me now. I hate that we’ve done this to each other. I clear my throat, and he opens his eyes again, puffy and red-rimmed, his long lashes stuck together because of how wet they are.

“I just don’t understand.”

I don’t understand how we got here. I don’t understand why we broke up. I don’t understand why I won’t let myself comfort him. I don’t understand anything to do with us at all anymore.

“I’m so sorry that I hurt you, Violet.” He sniffs again, wiping his sleeve across his face. “But I can’t even tell you that I didn’t mean to because at the time I did.”

It feels like my heart is being ripped to shreds. The thought of him deliberately wanting to hurt me leaves a physical ache in my chest. I can’t breathe. I turn away from him, not wanting to look at him, as I finally feel myself start to cry. He lets out a ragged breath before continuing.

“I wanted you to hate me because I thought it would make it easier, but it didn’t. It just made me miserable. Every word I said to you killed me inside, and I regretted it all as soon as I said it.”

Isaac’s voice is shaky, like he’s having to fight to get the words out, and I don’t have to look at him to know that he’s crying again. I swipe angrily at my face, annoyed at the fact that now I’m crying, too.

“Would make what easier? Breaking up with me?”

“I thought that’s what I had to do. Something happened with my parents, and I felt like the biggest disappointment in the world. I thought everything was going to be taken away from me, including you. I thought I couldn’t get any lower, that it was all over for me, but then I saw you the next day, and I realised that was my rock bottom.”

I hear him push his chair back and stand up, so I finally turn to look at him again. He runs his hands through his hair as he continues.

“God, the way you looked at me, Violet. It was my fault completely for not calling or texting you, but you’d never looked at me like that. I didn’t want you to be another person I disappointed, but when I saw your face, I knew it was already too late.”

“It wasn’t, Isaac.”

He’s not looking at me anymore, his head turned towards the ceiling and maybe the reason we can speak so openly now is because we can’t see each other properly.

“More than anything, I was worried about you. I didn’t hear from you, no calls, no texts, you just disappeared on me.”

“I realise that now. But my head was all over the place then, and all I could think was I’ve let you down, and there was no way you’d forgive me.”

“You didn’t even give me the choice.”

He finally looks down at me, his bottom lip stuck between his teeth, his blinking slow like it’s a struggle for him to keep his eyes open right now. His chest is rising and falling so hard, like he’s just done a workout and is fighting to catch his breath.

“And that’s the biggest mistake I’ve ever made.”

He sits back down, hands running up and down his thighs as he takes in deep breaths.

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