Page 188 of Staying Selfless

He keeps his eyes locked on mine, telling me he knows exactly what I’m trying to say, but sadness and regret are evident in his face. They pull down the corners of his mouth, his brown eyes carrying the weight of the world in them. His brows knit together as his bottom lip begins to tremble.

Then my entire world shatters when he shakes his head to tell me no.

I take a shallow gasp of air as I keep my stare on him, wanting him to take it back. Needing him to tell me that it’s not true, that I didn’t just lose the family we created together.

But he doesn’t. He doesn’t take it back.

And all that hope, excitement, and love that’s been coursing through my body the last couple of days exits just as quickly as it came.

“I’m sorry,” I cry out as the all too familiar wave of grief crashes onto me. I slap a hand over my mouth, trying to strangle the sounds that my body wants to release in shock.

A silent sob crawls up my throat as the realization hits me. I just lost Eli’s dream. I just lost my dream.

“No, Logan.” Eli pulls my hand away from my mouth, intertwining his fingers with mine as he kisses the back of my palm, his warm tears coating it. “It’s not your fault, baby,” he adds as his voice breaks. “None of this is your fault.”

Through my tear-filled vision, I can see the overwhelming sadness on his face. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him hurting so badly before. “It’s my fault,” he says so quietly that it’s almost inaudible.

“No, it’s not. Don’t say that.” But Eli doesn’t respond with words as the emotions hit him the same way they’re hitting me.

I continue to cry, my body writhing in pain that isn’t physical, as Eli holds my hand in his, crying just as hard as I am.

“Come here,” I say with a broken whisper, opening my arms.

I don’t know how to make Eli feel better other than to hold him, so that’s what I’m going to do. That’s the only way I know to bring him comfort right now, the same way it comforts me.

Eli’s giant body climbs onto my tiny hospital bed, his long muscular legs hanging off the edge as he hides his face in the crook of my neck, gently laying his chest partway on mine. I wrap one arm around his shoulders, the other gripping onto his inked forearm as he snakes it around my waist.

My body aches from the accident, the pain almost unbearable, but the physical pain is nothing compared to how badly my heart hurts right now.

Our bodies mourn together as neither of us holds back our hurt, grieving for the life I only knew about for forty-eight hours. My world feels like it’s spinning out of control, and the only sign of hope and light is the equally sad boy crying in my arms.

Eli and I stay in bed for a while, neither of us saying a word, but both of us knowing exactly what the other is experiencing.

“I wanted it,” I tell Eli with my strained voice.

His body heaves in my grasp as he tries to stifle the fresh tears. I run a gentle hand the length of his back. “Me too.”

He lifts up, placing his lips on mine before he pulls back to look at me, keeping his eyes locked on me as we try to anchor ourselves within one another, needing to hold on to something before we both float away into the sadness.

I’ve experienced grief before. I’m no stranger to it. In fact, we are more than acquaintances at this point, but what worries me is that Eli hasn’t, and I’m not sure how he’s going to handle this loss.

I’ve never had someone understand my grief in the exact moment and the exact way that I experience it. My mom was hurting when my dad passed, but that was a different kind of loss. Jack understands the loss of family, same as me, but our grief occurred at two completely different times.

Eli is the first person who is sharing the same anguish and pain that I am, and I wish for nothing more than to be able to take it from him and feel it all myself, twice as hard, ridding him of the hurt.

He doesn’t deserve this heartbreak.

Eli kisses the trail of tears that have formed on my cheeks before he pulls his body off the bed and takes a seat, back in the chair next to me. “I’ve uh...” He wipes his face with the heel of his hand. “I’ve got to tell you something, and the timing is absolute shit.”

“Okay?”

A small half-smile forms on Eli’s lips, like he’s excited, but he doesn’t want to be. “Dallas called me up.”

My face softens when he looks at me, as he tries to gauge my reaction to the news.

“What?” My eyes once again brim with tears.

Eli’s throat moves in a deep swallow as he nods his head to tell me that I heard him correctly the first time.

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