Page 189 of Staying Selfless

“Eli...” I begin but can’t continue, because the emotions catch in the back of my throat, keeping the words from coming out of my mouth as fresh tears spill from my eyes.

“Baby, don’t cry.” Eli runs a soothing hand over my hair. “I’m not going.”

That stops me in my tracks as my brows furrow, looking at my favorite guy. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m not going, Logan.”

“Like hell you’re not.” I hold his stare.

“I’m not leaving you like this.”

I shake my head at his words. “Let me make it clear. The only reason that I’m crying right now is that I’m so fucking proud of you. You did it.” I grab his hand, holding it in mine. “You’re going, Eli.”

“I don’t want to,” he says, his voice breaking. “I don’t want to leave you again.” He leans forward, dropping his forehead to the back of our intertwined hands. “Please don’t make me go.”

“You have to, baby.” I stroke his messy hair. “It’d be way too selfish of me to ask you to stay.”

“Be selfish,” he requests, his head shooting up and his eyes pleading with mine. “Be selfish and ask me to stay.”

“I can’t.”

His gaze falls to the floor as he takes a deep labored breath. “Don’t make me leave,” he begs.

I hate seeing him this way, desperate and afraid. Worried about chasing his dream. That’s not right. The biggest and best thing in his life is happening, and he should be able to feel the joy that accompanies this achievement. I know he’s blinded by the sadness he’s mired in, but this is too big and too great for him not to realize that good things are happening too.

“Do you want me to come with you? After I heal, I mean. Do you want me to move? I’ll do it for you.”

Part of me is surprised that those words just came out of my mouth, but it was my plan when I thought our family was expanding. I had already decided to leave school, so if Eli needs me, I’ll go. Maybe I can finish my classes online or something.

Eli’s warm eyes bore into mine as he tries to read me, attempting to gauge what I’m thinking. And just like always, he can read me like a book.

“No.” He shakes his head. “I can’t let you do that. That would be way too selfish of me to ask that of you.” He lifts my hand and once again places his lips on it. “You need to finish school and be able to do it on campus and with your friends. I’m not letting you give that up, but I don’t want to leave you, Logan. Not like this.”

I plaster on my best confidence, needing to wear it for a moment, needing to convince Eli that I can do this. He can’t give up his dream because of me.

“I’ve got this.” I motion towards my bruised and battered body. “You need to focus on hockey. Don’t worry about me. Adversity will only make me stronger. It always does.”

“How much stronger do you really need to be, Logan?”

I give him a soft grin. “Just a little bit more.”

Eli cautiously climbs back into my bed, this time sitting all the way back and ushering my head onto his chest, his arms wrapped around me, holding me.

I want to whimper from the pain its causes, moving my injured body around like this, but his touch is the only thing that makes me feel even slightly better.

“You promise me you can get through this without me here?” he softly asks.

“I promise. Are you going to be okay without me?”

“I’m never okay without you, Logan.”

That’s what worries me. I’m barely holding on right now, trying to fake some assurance because I need Eli to go and live out his dream. But I’ve dealt with grief. I’ve waded through the depths of it. Although this loss hurts in entirely different ways, I have experience with what to expect, but Eli doesn’t. And he’s about to be all on his own, in Texas, trying to come to terms with the loss of this family we thought we were going to have.

“I’ll be back as soon as I can. As soon as playoffs are over, I’ll be here for the summer,” Eli says, trying to reassure us both.

“How long is your contract?”

“Just until the end of the season, but if I play well, they’ll offer something long-term.”

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