Page 84 of I Love My Mistake

This isn’t how this was supposed to go. I was finally supposed to be happy. I was supposed to have my friends meet a great man. They’ve met their own great men – why do I get the shitty luck of meeting someone my best friend got to FIRST? My heart is pounding and my feet are numb in these boots as I break into a run.

Suddenly, slamming the pavement behind me, I hear faster, running footsteps gaining on me. “Nicole! NICOLE!!!” I take off faster but just like in the park, his longer legs have the advantage. He reaches me, grabs for me, searching my eyes for hope that isn’t there.

“I need room to breathe, Mark! I can’t breathe. Please.” I break down crying, tears falling fast and hard, my chest hurting so much!

He grabs both my arms. “Nicole! Listen to me. Please. You know what I told you is the truth. The way I feel about you is so much more than what I felt for her! It doesn’t matter that it’s Jessica. The facts are still the same. You know this. You felt it… you feel it… too!”

I sob, “It does matter that it’s Jessica. I told you. She’s my family.”

He’s terrified, like he already knows. “What are you saying?”

It’s so much harder to say it than it is to think it. A headache rips into my temples. I reach up and take his face in my hands, look into his eyes, longing for him to understand. “I’m saying we aren’t going to happen, Mark. Jessica and Amber – those girls – they’re everything to me! I feel sooooo strongly for you… I almost think I…”

“Say it,” he croaks.

But I can’t. I can’t say it. Instead I close my eyes and shake my head. I lean up and kiss him. His arms go around me. They hold me so tight. He returns my goodbye kiss with more passion than we should. We release each other and he looks at me one last time. My eyes quickly dart down the street where Jess is staring at us, hurting. Amber is beside her, holding her hand. The sight of them there, and him here – and the fact that they can never come together – makes the pain in my soul unbearable.

“If I have to choose, I have to choose her.” With fresh tears blurring my vision, I look at Mark. The warmth that is always present in his eyes has vanished.

There’s a knot in his throat. “I understand.” He puts his hand to his forehead, thinking and trying to gather himself, pick up the pieces and know what to say or do next. He’s choking back tears. “Um… I’m still going to bring the investors to the gallery opening, if that’s okay. I would love to work with you on this, if you think you can. If you don’t, I understand. God, this is so hard.”

I forgot all about the show, the investors. The idea of seeing him again and not being able to touch him is horrible. But I can’t say no. I will not turn away his dream. “Of course. Yes, of course. Maybe…” I strain to finish the sentence. “…maybe that’s why we were drawn to each other.” I don’t believe a word of it.

His lips twist in pain. “Don’t. God. Don’t say that.” He holds his hand up and turns, walking away down the street. I don’t watch him. I trudge back to my girlfriends. Amber looks so sad. She knows what happened with Michael. She knows how good it was for me to find a guy like Mark. He helped save her relationship, after all. She also knows how broken the betrayal of David made Jessica, that there’s no getting around the fact that the one man who helped start Jessica healing is the one man I had a two-day bed-bender with.

I meet Jess’s eyes. She is just as lost as I am.

“Nicole.”

“I know,” I say, coldly, steeling myself against my pain.

“It’s just too weird,” she says.

“It’s more than weird. It’s impossible.” I take a deep breath, shaking my head, my hands going up to wipe my cheeks. They both come in to hug me. I wrap my arms around them and hold them tight.

These girls are my family. They know me better than anyone on the planet. They have my back and I have theirs. We were not born a family, but we’ve become one, and I will not give that up. I can’t. And I can’t hurt either of them.

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