Page 65 of F*ck You

22

Lee

Clear and amber liquids splashed around the metal sink until they disappeared down the drain as I tipped the bottles over. They were the last two bottles of alcohol in my condo, and once they were empty, I tossed them into the trash can.

I couldn’t undo the past. I couldn’t bring Chase’s sister back or erase every moment of drinking in front of him that I’d done, or even rewind to the day before and prevent myself from getting behind the wheel. I never thought I had a problem, I was always driven by rage, but I sure as hell didn’t want to reach the point where I sank too far down to resurface.

I saw three possible futures yesterday. One where I could let my issues eventually take control of me to the point where I’d spend the rest of my days locked in a cell, or I could follow the same path as Chelsea and never even get the chance to have a future.

The third option was to take control of my life, and I meant fully take control. The person I didn’t want to be kept sneaking back in every time I thought I had my shit together. I wouldn’t be able to fully change who I was, because that would be more detrimental than anything, but I could improve the way I handled situations and show that I was at least trying to be a better person.

Then on top of that, I wanted to show that he was worth it, as much as he believed I was worth it to him.

Change was always hard, but it never failed to start with one step at a time. One day at a time. Today, I was getting rid of all the alcohol I owned, and I hoped that someday I would be able to sit on a surfboard in the ocean again, watching Chase’s grin widen when he spotted a good wave.

Knuckles rapped on the door and I answered it. I knew it wouldn’t be Chase, that would have been too much to wish for right now, but I still smiled wide when I saw Larsen standing there.

If anything, I was grateful to still have him, and pretty damned lucky I didn’t lose him too. I honestly didn’t know where I would be if he had walked away as well. Day two of Chase being gone was just as hard as day one.

“Come on in.” I stepped to the side and let him pass. He stopped in the kitchen when he saw the trash can filled with empty bottles, so I answered his question before he could even open his mouth. “I’m getting rid of all of it. I know it might very well be too little too late, but it’s at least a start. I know I can do better, and I want to. He deserves someone who at least tries, no matter how many times I’m going to fail because, let’s face it, I’m someone who fails a lot.”

A pitiful smile crossed his face and I groaned. “No, I don’t want pity. I know he’s pissed at me and I deserve it. I’m going to show him that I’m not her, that I can make good choices, too, every now and then. Regardless of whether or not he’ll take me back, I’m going to at least show him that he’s worth the effort, just like you guys have shown me nothing but since I’ve been here.”

He stepped toward me and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into his chest. He hadn’t been out in the water yet, so he smelled freshly showered, but there was still the faint scent of the beach that was permanently infused in his dirty blond hair.

“Starfish,” he began, then trailed off. Like me, he didn’t know what to say to make things better. But I was tired of talking and trying to find the words to comfort others. I was ready to become a doer and take some actions to fix my big fuck ups. Starting with these bottles.

They were no longer a crutch for my pain. Now, they were nothing but a hindrance to my happiness.

Larsen leaned his head down, resting his forehead against mine. “He really does care for you. I don’t believe it’s completely over. If you want him, then he’ll come back after having some time to cool off. I don’t think he can stay away from you for good, I know I can’t regardless of what happens.”

I placed a kiss on his lips, savoring the moment for a few seconds longer. “I hope so.”

Wrapping my arms around his torso, I rested my cheek against his chest, letting the steady thrum of his heart calm my own racing one. We stayed like that for a while until I felt more confident and secure and pulled away. “Is there a place to recycle or anything? That bag is filled with nothing but glass bottles.”

He looked over at the can in question, which was overflowing with bottles that would topple and crash to the floor with the slightest gust of wind, and let out a whistle. “There is, we can take it over now if you want.”

“Perfect.”

Larsen went to grab the bag from the trash can, and I reached behind the other side of the counter and pulled out a closed bag also filled with glass bottles that clanged together when it moved. He looked at it with surprise, apparently having no idea of exactly how much I’d had in the first place, then tied up his own bag.

Together, we carried the shards of my past to a dumpster that was already filled with recycled materials. Adding to the nearly packed bins, we got rid of them for good. It was going to be weird having so much more empty cabinet space now, but it was more than worth it. Maybe I could fill that space with potato chips instead. Swap out one vice for another.

“Now what?” Larsen asked, wiping his hands on his pants after tossing in his load.

“I don’t know, I didn’t really plan this far ahead. I want to work on getting my life together. Today isn’t a workday, I have the whole day free.”

“Weren’t you supposed to go surfing this morning?”

I sighed. “I stood outside and looked out, waiting, but he never showed up. I didn’t expect him to anyway.”

He nodded, not surprised either. “Do you want to go snorkeling, or maybe for a run?”

“It may sound weird, but I don’t feel like I can have fun right now, and snorkeling would leave me filled with so much guilt that I went and had fun while he was pissed at me. I don’t care if that doesn’t make any sense, but that’s the reasoning in my mind.”

“Nah, I get what you mean.”

“But a run, yes. Let me grab a water bottle first.”

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