Page 45 of Pieces of Us

She grimaces. ‘You know what? No. I don’t need any further elaboration. What I saw is burned in my retinas for life. I…I…don’t know how I’ll ever get over seeing…that. When did you first sleep with her?’ Her voice cracks, and so does my heart.

I choke on trapped air in my throat.

Shit.

She can’t know the answer to this.

I have to lie.

‘When you came back.’ I abruptly stop myself short from revealing the truth that has been gnawing my insides like starving rats for years.

I am a piece of shit, but the truth would be catastrophic if she—or anyone—ever found out.

The first time I slept with Billie was before I took Hart’s virginity.

I never explicitly told Hart I was a virgin when we had sex for the first time. I assumed she thought I was, like her, but I wasn’t. I’d slept with Billie a couple of years beforehand. It wasn’t even a moment of weakness, it was just me being a horny teenager and wanting to lose it. We promised we’d never tell a soul.

If Amity ever found out she wasn’t my first…that I gave away what was meant to be hers to someone else. To the one person she hates more than me.

There is something else I am hiding. Something so devastating, so reckoning that if anyone ever finds out, my life will be over.

‘And was she any good?’

I shift nervously, hoping she doesn’t see through the lie I just told her. Hopefully, she takes the ants in my pants as a sign that this question is uncomfortable.

‘It was fine.’ I don’t elaborate. Sex was sex. It was always good. I came. She came. I’ve fucked Billie hundreds of times, so I’m well acquainted with her body. With Hart, I’ve only ever had sex with her a dozen times, but I still remember each and every time like it was yesterday.

‘You’re all I wanted, Lincoln. You’re all I ever needed. You owned me from the day we first met, and you threw it away for someone else.’ I pale at her words. If she only knew. I’m agitated, but not at her—at myself. My knee bounces like a drug addict waiting for his next fix.

‘I wish I could take away your hurt.’

‘But you don’t wish you could take it back?’ She leans forward.

I pause.

‘No. I don’t.’ I sigh, lowering my head. ‘I don’t regret learning from my mistakes. For exploring. I didn’t want to think “what if”, only ever giving you ninety-nine percent of me. I don’t regret it because it means you wouldn’t have the life you do today, and I wouldn’t know for certain that you’re meant to be mine and I’m meant to be yours. You deserve better than that.’

She swallows painfully as she digests my words. Her arms are limp by her sides as if she’s given up all the fight she had in her.

‘And what about the bullying and taunts, and everyone in your ear about my weight?’ She scrunches up her face. ‘You can’t tell me you didn’t love touching every part of Billie’s itty bitty body, or mine now. Back then, you never looked at me with the sort of hunger you do now.’ Her face flushes as if she’s tormented.

‘Amity,’ I sigh, not even knowing how to approach this entire topic. ‘I could have done better. I should have done better.’ She gasps, her eyes jerking to me. Shit. ‘No. Woah. Let me rephrase that. With my friends, I mean.’ I hold up both hands, begging her to not stab me with my fountain pen. ‘When I was with you, they used to make you feel uncomfortable, but I never really put them in their place because I thought it was just boys being boys.’ It’s a lame excuse. ‘When they started whispering or comparing you to Billie, I didn’t want to rock the boat, so I turned a blind eye and just ignored it.’ Guilt is leaden in my body. ‘I am so ashamed, baby. I will never forgive myself for how I let that go on, even more so when I found out Billie was one of the instigators. She never directly said anything to my face or within the group, but that’s the reason we broke up. I found out she was the one spreading rumours.’ Moon prints indent the backs of her hands as she stabs herself with her nails.

She had no idea the extent of it. I am sure of it.

‘We will loop back around to that in a sec. I want to know if you thought Billie’s body was better than mine because of the way she looks—or looked. Whatever.’ Her voice sharpens.

‘I liked her body, yes. But that doesn’t and didn’t mean I didn’t like yours,’ I rush to clarify, reaching out for her but pulling back when she shoots me daggers.

‘So you admit, skinny and fit turns you on?’

‘Manhandling a woman in the bedroom turns me on.’ It’s the wrong answer, as soon as it slips from my lips. I wish I could smack myself in the face for saying it.

‘You never manhandled me because I was too fat.’ Her eyes glisten with unshed tears.

‘I never said that.’

‘You didn’t not say it either. You never looked at me as if I was fuckable. I saw it when you were in the spa with Billie, and all throughout our last year of high school. You had this insatiable look in your eyes like you couldn’t get enough of her body.’ A lone tear slides down her cheek onto her chest, splitting me in half.

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