Page 46 of Control

“We all come here to escape and be something else and maybe for me that something else was a better version of me that helps others. Even if it’s only talking to them and comforting them, it’s still something. I just…I talk to so many of you and I see the pain in your eyes and all I want to do is take that pain from you so you can feel something else, anything else! I wish I could do that for everyone here. I just wish…I wish I could be that for all of you and let you unburden yourself and be free of it all. My life has been an absolute dumpster fire and I know how it feels to be completely alone and terrified. When the people you were supposed to be able to trust turn on you and violate you in ways I would never wish on my worst enemy…” I felt myself becoming overloaded, but I continued anyway.

“I wanted so much to be what you all wanted me to be. I never felt I was worthy of my title because I know I didn’t do nearly enough to earn it. I couldn’t help all of you and I know I failed because of that. I see so many of you struggling and barely getting by and it breaks my heart.” My legs which had been struggling to keep me upright finally gave way and I found myself down on the floor. I sat on my feet, my mind beginning to overload, and my hair became a mess as I pulled the hair-tie from it, letting it all fall down around me. I looked around again and looked over as many faces as I could, remembering those I’d helped and those that I couldn’t, and shuttered.

“I’m so sorry!” I said, my voice giving out and my body shaking uncontrollably. “All I wanted was to help people, to make your lives a little brighter and I failed! I’m not special. I never thought I was. I’m sorry! I’m so….”

I found my hands covering my face and my hair falling down in front of me. I knew there was nothing I could have done about the hack, but for some reason I still felt I could have helped somehow. I knew it was only a matter of time before all of their personal information was released and they would all have their real world lives put in jeopardy. I don’t know why I felt the need to do what I did. Maybe I thought it I just gave the trolls what they wanted that somehow this would all just go away. I knew I was their primary target. Maybe if they got me as their prize, I could somehow save everyone else from their treachery. I knew in my mind that the trolls and the hacker would never stop with just me, but my heart still wished that this could be the solution.

In all my life, I had felt the joys of what I knew were my finest successes and the sorrows of my greatest losses and failures. From something as simple as paying my rent on time to winning a tennis match in high school, I relished in those small victories. They helped keep me going. They helped me push forward to see the next day. How I got though my roughest times, even I have no real idea.

Every night I still see Will at the foot of my bed, staring at me and waiting for me to go to sleep. I still feel the barrel of the gun pressed against my forehead and the burning of the hot water from the shower. I still hear the questions from the police asking me what happened and I still regret lying to them and withholding the truth all to protect someone that would have never done the same for me. I remember the passive aggressive comments, the ridicule, the jealousy, and not being allowed to have friends other than his family. I remember crying like I never had before when I was packing my car that cold December day when I finally knew I had to leave him. I remember walking back through the town home we shared and knowing that I would never be coming back to it ever again.

I still remember the day we first met, a Sunday, through a mutual friend and thinking his face with that beaming smile was the most handsome I’d ever come across. I remember thinking that he was the one and that we could build something wonderful together and that I could make him happy only to find out it was never going to end up that way. I still have the night terrors, I still see his phantom in Aurora, and I still feel his ghost beside me as I move through my real life. I look down to my arms every day and I still see the scars he left me. I still have my wedding ring and I still keep it in my linen closet on the same shelf as my towels. I don’t know why I do this. I just do. Maybe I feel the need to remind myself of one of my greatest failures.

I still remember my father leaving that day after he spoke those scarring words to me that remain burned into soul. I still remember the smell the screeching tires left and I still remember that stupid green shirt I grasped for. I remember my brothers and the looks on their faces, not knowing how to talk to me about what our father chose to do to me and not to them. I remember my mother having no answers for me and only being able to hope that he would wake up someday and realized he had a daughter that desperately wanted him in her life. I remember him touching me on my shoulder the day of my grandfather’s funeral and not saying a word to me. I remember following the casket as it rolled past me as I sat in the back row of the church and seeing my father move with it as if he’d lost the most important person in his life. I recognized the irony in how he viewed his own father and I how I viewed him. He loved his father and his father loved him, but I could never love someone who never wanted me and that still, to this day, haunts me.

I still remember Mrs Montgomery and how she looked after me at latchkey and often spoke to me on various topics even though I was probably too young to really appreciate the advice she was imparting on me. I remember her light skin and her warm smile, and the way she’d be sure to greet me each time I came into the cafeteria after school. I remember her helping me with my homework and playing chess with me while the other kids watched and picked who they thought would win. I remember when she told me she had to go away to a new school because she was transferring to another college for her own studies. I remember crying when she hugged me and knowing it might very well be the last time I ever saw her. I remember going to latchkey the following week and her not being there anymore and to this day, that sudden absence still stings me.

I still remember sleeping under that highway overpass and being so scared I could barely move. I remember the rumble of the cars as they drove just above me and the stench of burning oil and rubber seeping down into the area below. I remember being too afraid to sleep and occasionally seeing another homeless person wander by and look up to me, possibly seeing if the spot I had staked out for myself was available so they could take it for themselves. I remember knowing that if someone wanted to, they could just come by and take me because I was so small. That fear of possibly being kidnapped and forced into doing any number of terrible things or even being killed stays with me and leaves me with an intense fear of losing what little I have worked so hard for.

The room was silent and the air thick with sorrow and anger. I dropped my hands from my face and let them hit the floor below me. For a moment, given all that had just happen, I felt surprisingly calm, stoic. With the meltdowns that I’d had in Aurora, none were nearly this public. I knew that everyone in the game had probably seen what had just happened. I knew that the game stream was probably being viewed by hundreds of thousands or even millions of people online. Everyone in the world finally knew who I was. They knew my name and they knew that how I looked in game was how I looked in the real world. They all knew far more than I thought I would ever reveal about myself. As I sat there on the dance floor, my hair draped around me and my feet bearing all of my weight, a strange thing happened to me. Something had changed inside me. I felt a focus come over me like I’d never experienced before. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. It was then that I realized what had happened. With all that I’d said, done and shown to everyone not only then but through that night and during all my time in Aurora, I’d finally felt what I had desperately longed for. Catharsis. I pushed my hands down into the floor and forced my way back, rising to my feet. I swept my hair away from in front of me and showed my face to everyone once more. And then…it happened.

A sudden rush energy filled my body as I took in another breath. A strange sensation pulsed through me once and then once more, making me shiver from an unexpected endorphin rush. It was a sensation I’d felt once before, but not for some time. I opened my eyes a little wider and saw that the browser window I had left opened had disappeared and was replaced with something different. Slowly but surely, purple lights began to form in the dark. They appeared random at first but soon spelled out a very clear and distinct word in large capital letters: LOTUS.

A huge burst of sparks exploded from the letters and fell down onto me, sticking to my clothing and parts of my hair. My nameplate began to pulse wildly and without warning, a massive lotus flower appeared behind me, radiating all the various colors you’d find them in naturally. Purple lights then began to flood the room, strobing and causing some in the crowd to become startled. I felt the large lotus flower move through my body and cross over in front of me, it’s petals switching from red to purple to blue and even to a new color I’d not seen them done before now - gold. Just then a giant pair of wings appeared behind me and carefully attached themselves to my avatar, their golden flame lighting the entire room up and sending a striking shiver through my body which caused my hands to ball up into fists. The light from the wings grew steadily brighter and the lotus flower in front of me grew larger and larger until it filled the room from floor to ceiling.

With power surging through my body, I looked up and watched my nameplate light up and grow as it had that one other time before. This time, however, gold appeared in the assortment of colors, adding to the red, purple, and blue from before. My HUD began to glitch or so I though, my icons which only I could see rapidly shifting and moving around my screen as if a bug had been encountered. With a massive gust of wind, the wings which had become attached to me swept forward, sending out mock flames through the room causing a brief moment of panic. I turned my head and locked eyes with Reyna who was still there standing beside Cris, a look of complete shock on her face.

I felt my body slowly lift up off the ground and into the air as my wings continued to sweep back and forth. I watched the floor below as I moved upward and the color of my clothing slowly changed from my normal moderate purple to a much thicker and deeper tone. The parts which were once white had shifted into a metallic silver similar to brushed aluminum and reflected the fiery red and gold from my wings. With one final burst of energy, my body pulsed and my nameplate flashed once more, spelling out the word “Lotus” along with a few more letters. I looked around the room and watched everyone from several feet up, approximately 25 feet above them, their eyes reflecting the reds, purples, blues, and golds I was emanating. My glow which I had normally kept turned off and which had faded from me completely when I gave up my title returned to me, but this time it pulsed and sparked purple and gold.

Without warning, I dropped from the air and landed right where I had started, my feet slamming to the ground firmly. My legs, however, did not give and my knees bent only sightly, mostly from my natural reflexes. My wings which had grown to an incredible size began to shrink until they were much more in keeping with my overall proportions and tucked away just behind my shoulder blades. The massive purple lotus which had grown to the size of the room also began to shrink. Once it was the size of dinner plate, it slowly moved toward me, continuing to shrink, and firmly planted itself on my forehead, glowing brightly once more before fading away. My HUD which had been going haywire had finally settled down and several new icons I’d never seen before had been added. A series of new applications which had also just appeared pulsed in gold and purple, letting me know they were newly installed. They sat alongside my other often used applications such as my personal music library and my Escort app. A couple of them were labeled with icons I had never seen before while one that stood out broadly against the others flashed in red. It was labeled as “GM.”

I stood there and took several deep breathes, my eyes closed. I slowly recovered and got my bearings after dealing with such a huge display. I rubbed my fingers together, pressing them firmly against my thumbs. I felt my hair hanging down around my head and without thinking, I whipped it back around behind me with my hand and it was suddenly back in its’ high ponytail, situated perfectly behind me. I opened my eyes and looked out over the crowd, looks of shock and amazement over their faces as I stared at them through flames positioned inside my irises that alternated in color. As I noticed them, I also realized small flame-like animations were displayed just outside my eyes, but I was able to easily look past them. I blinked my eyes a few times, causing my makeup and overall look from the neck up to completely refresh, resetting my red and puffy eyes back to their normal appearance. I looked back down to my hands and into my palms. A strange, but somewhat familiar sensation coming over them. Without thinking, I turned to a small table that was just off the dance floor and was surrounded by people and reached out to it. To my surprise, the table reacted to my visual cue and lifted up and off the ground, sticking in the air as if glitched. I pulled my hand back toward me and the table moved with it, and continued to move closer to me. I dropped my hand, wondering if I could move it by simply thinking of it as I did with several other elements of my HUD. As I had figured, I thought of the table spinning in the air and it did just that.

I turned my gaze over to Reyna and stared at her, her face still displaying shock but also some relief as she had correctly figured that I was alright. I looked over to Cris and Mustafa and the others and while they were also quite shocked, they nodded their heads and light smiles began to breakout over their faces. As quickly as I thought of it, I found myself staring back at Ronnie and his now very frightened band of trolls.

I quickly stepped toward them, the table and several others just like it lifting up off the floor and into the air. By thinking it, I soon had no less than 10 tables all suspended in the air, following me to him. I blinked several times and the flames in front of my eyes vanished as did my golden wings. In a panic, he tried to flee, but the crowd had grown too dense and he was unable to move very far. Once in front of him, I sent all of the tables in his direction with the full intention of striking him where he stood. I wanted him to feel some of the emotional distress he had caused all of us as physical pain. I wanted to see him busted up and hurt. I wanted to see him bleed. My better judgment coming though, I stopped the tables mere inches from his face, having realized if I had done it, I would be no better than he was.

I called the tables back and had them set down onto the floor behind me and out of the way. I stepped closer toward Ronnie, wanting him to feel that sense of fear as I stalked him, my expression focused and determined. With each step I took, I could feel the dread building in him. He wanted to get away, but he knew he was stuck. Somehow I could sense him trying to teleport away, but I was able to stop him, again, simply by thinking about it. My boots made small, but meaningful thuds with each step I took and within a few seconds I was a foot away from his face. I stared into his eyes, the fire in my own growing brighter and hotter. I could see the sweat forming on his brow and watched as his chest moved in and out rapidly. I could sense his heart rate and blood pressure, all while not using my Escort app. I slowly lifted my hand up to his face, the temptation to strike him physically still lingering. In the end, I chose something much more illuminating.

“Boop!” I said as I lightly touched the end of his nose with my fingertip. Ronnie, perplexed, blinked rapidly, unsure of what had just happened.

“What?” was all he could manage to get out.

“What’s wrong?” I said to him in a light and almost playful tone. His eyes, which had just minutes earlier been filled with sinister joy, were now covered in humiliation and regret. “Do you not recognize me?” I moved in as close I could to him, perhaps an inch from his cheek with my finger still on his nose. “Don’t you know your Queen?”

With a sly smirk, I carefully backed away from him, letting my hand and outstretched finger hang in the air for a few seconds before dropping them, tilting my head sideways as I moved. As a slight to him in that moment, I did for him what I’d done for some many others in Aurora and sent him a leather-bound notebook with a song name scrawled inside it: Queen by Perfume Genius.

Finally granting him permission to leave, Ronnie and all of his trolls teleported away back to their Stormfront room, presumably to figure out what had just happened. I turned back around, my hair whipping back behind me, still firmly in a ponytail. I looked over to Cris and Reyna and sashayed toward them, their faces smiling, almost beaming with excitement and relief. I strolled slowly, my calm and quiet confidence returning to me with each step I took. It was then I realized everyone was still very quiet. I scanned the room and noticed the shocked look on everyones faces so I tried my best to break the tension.

“Everybody alright?” I said while offering a smile to everyone, my new found energy having worked its’ way through my body.

“Holy shit!” Mustafa cried out, a bit of jovial humor hanging off the end of his statement. His outburst caused everyone else in the club to relax and break out in cheers, elation, and overall good vibes. I took a moment to gather myself once more, taking in a deep breath. While I was very aware of what had just happened, my Lotus title returning to my name along with a very visible and animated “GM” tag next to it, I was still internally processing it. In the moment, all I could think of was that Thaddeus or perhaps some of the other developers had second thoughts about what I was doing and didn’t want me to bow out quite so easily. I knew it was something I was going to have to ponder further, but I had other things on my mind.

“Reyna,” I said as I turned my attention back to her, the lights in the room returning to normal and the music slowly coming back on. The crowd, while relaxed, was still fixated on me and were all eagerly discussing what they thought they’d just witnessed. Not only did they just see Reyna earning a title, but my title also being returned to me along with a massive upgrade.

“OK,” Reyna said as she moved closer to me. “What in the world just happened?”

“You were ‘crowned,’” I said as I smiled at her. “You’re one of us now.”

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