Page 151 of Goodbye Note

words we said

how many more years before the minute hand moves?

if our quantum entanglement wasn’t meant for this Lifetime

if the universe is playing pranks On me

if all of this is too much to post on the internet to Strangers

goodnight

good morning

I’m gonna pray these pills kick in

Not that they will

or i’m Going to pray I don’t wake up

words They fail me.

FORTY-FOUR

VARIAN

“He said he was coming.” I paced the hall. It felt like a hospital, but it was fucking Madison Square Garden. I dreamed of playing here when our parents did. I remember getting out of school early to go to the venue. Seeing the locker rooms. How big it felt at five years old.

It didn’t feel as big, but it was still overwhelming.

Arik should have been here hours ago, and then his ticket got canceled and they routed him through Chicago. I leaned against the wall and put my head in my hands.

“He’ll get here. You can see him after the show.” Vallen was annoyed. He didn’t like to be late.

“I need to see him before. It’s been three fucking weeks.” We never meant it to go this long, but I suspected our teams were working against us. And on purpose. But who did I accuse? My manager, who I’ve known half my life and who’s been better to me than my father? My label, who took me on knowing I had to stand in my dad’s shadow but that I’d never lower myself to be like him or use him for anything?

Fox came over and wrapped his arms around me. “I love you, man. We can wait. Have you checked his location?”

“I have, but it’s all fucked because there are too many people here. It’s showing him in some new-construction building that doesn’t even have walls yet.”

Bronx joined the hug, wrapping around us both. “You skinny bitches. I can get my arms around both of you.”

“Don’t shame Fox. You know he is insecure about being a twink.”

“If only I had the ass of a twink.” Fox scoffed. “I just get to eat nonstop, and it’s flat back there.”

“I’d give you some of mine if I could,” Bronx replied.

“No one holds up Madison Square Garden,” Vallen said, turning in a circle like he was about to have a meltdown.

I detangled from the guys. “Let’s go talk.”

Vallen and I stepped into the bathroom.

“What’s wrong? It’s a few minutes.”

“It just feels like you will throw away everything for this guy. You hate being late as much as I do. You drink more. You smoke to go to sleep.” I could see it in his eyes. He didn’t have to say it.

“I’m not Dad.”

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