Page 152 of Goodbye Note

“I don’t think you’re Dad, but I don’t want to see you be Mom either. Gran and Gramps almost lost you once. It would kill them.”

“I’m not going to die.”

He frowned but didn’t reply.

“I don’t know why you even think I’m acting like Mom. I’m not doing hard fucking drugs.”

“She chased Dad all over the country, too, and it became more important to her than her career, her kids, her life. You don’t remember it, but she was head over heels and didn’t have substance abuse issues when you were born.”

“Arik isn’t abusive like Dad.”

“No, but it’s in our genes to self-medicate and be codependent. I see how worried you are about him all the time. I don’t want to lose you in pursuit of him.”

I closed my eyes, fighting tears. “I’m not her.”

“No, not yet, but I want you to see what you’re doing to yourself and to him before you get there. Or he gets there. This isn’t healthy for either of you.”

“That’s not fucking fair. This has been the worst three months of my fucking life. We’ve never been this busy or this scheduled. Then my phone wasn’t working for a week. It wouldn’t send or receive any of his messages. I thought he was ignoring me. What was that if not someone fucking with us…?” I heard it. Just a little bit, but it was there, our mother. My heart shattered.

I pushed it away. I wasn’t her. This was different. We loved each other; this was just a hard fucking season.

But the voice in the back of my head didn’t shut up.

“We need to go play.”

Vallen nodded but grabbed my arm before I could walk away. He pulled me into a hug. “I love you no matter what.”

I lost it.

“I can’t fucking go on like this.” I stepped back and wiped my eyes.

“Take a minute. We’re already five minutes late. What’s ten?” Considering how Vallen felt about being late, it was the nicest thing he could do.

I stepped out of the room a minute later, eyes still red-rimmed, but there was nothing I could do.

Sneakers squeaking across the industrial tile drew my attention from the guitar my tech had just handed me.

Arik jogged down the long hall, his faded blue hair almost glowing in the fluorescent lights.

“Sorry!” He skidded to a halt a foot from me, sucking in breaths, half bent over.

“You made it!” I couldn’t help the smile that spread over my face. It had to be iridescent.

“I wouldn’t miss this for anything.” Arik lifted his eyes, his smile rivaling mine.

“Touch me, please.”

He wrapped his arms around my shoulders, pressing our foreheads together. “Do you know how good you feel?”

“Not as good as you do.” A rush of heat flooded my veins, all the dopamine I’d ever need. I told myself to ignore it, but the feeling was too powerful. It felt like the first time I played onstage, or the first time I was asked to sign a CD. The way I reacted when this guy smiled at me.

“We have to go on…” But I didn’t want to leave.

“Can I watch from the wings?” he asked coyly.

“Only if you’re careful.”

“I will be.” He knew what we risked as much as I did.

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