Page 105 of 4-Ever

I heard the door of the bus open again, but I didn't open my eyes and I didn't move. I didn't want to talk to anyone. It was only when a gentle hand touched my head, that I opened my eyes to find my brother standing there.

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

“I passed Lennie on the way to the bus. He told me you and Ronin had a fight. What happened?”

I covered my face, pushing the heels of my hands into my eyes.

“Ronin picked up my journal by accident. There were things in there that I wrote when I was going through the worst of my addiction. The stuff I was feeling about him but couldn't tell him. He was shocked, angry, and horrified that he could be… a part of the reason why I couldn't stop using.”

“You never told him how you felt?”

I shook my head, sitting up.

“In time, it would have happened. But ever since he and I became lovers, I just couldn’t. How could I talk about that? I don’t want to relive the past. Fuck, I almost lost everything, including my life. I don’t want to go back there. It’s done. I want to forget about it and move on.”

Rae sat down beside me and sighed.

“But you can’t. And you and I are so fucking alike in this way, bro. Instead of talking shit out, like me telling my wife I was unhappy or telling our parents that I was broke, it was easier to numb myself. Ronin’s in shock. You guys are so close and share everything. If I were him, I’d be upset finding out shit like that, too. I know these conversations are hard, but like you once told me, you have to do it.”

“What if he won’t talk to me? What if he?—”

I was trembling hard, and Rae put his arm around my shoulder.

“He will. It’s Ronin. Just give him a few days to wrap his head around what he read. Then, talk it out. Don’t make the same mistake that I did. Tell him you love him. And show him. I know it’s scary as fuck, but he needs to hear the words.”

I nodded, blinking away more tears.

“I know,” I whispered as I wiped my eyes.

“You want to watch a movie with me?”

I nodded, thankful and grateful that Rae was here. And as always, his big brother wisdom was right.

Both me and Ronin needed time to sort through all this.

An hour later, and halfway through the movie, I glanced at my phone. It was just after 2 am. Rae was asleep on the sofa beside me. Van, Brodie, and Holls finally joined us on the bus.

“I’m fine,” I replied before anyone could ask. “And don’t worry. We’ll work it out.”

“You better,” Brodie smiled at me. “‘Cause we love both of you.”

“Aw, Dee,” Holls gushed, grabbed our frontman, and gave him a loud, smacking kiss on the cheek.

“Ew, gross. I said them, not you,” Brodie snorted and pushed him away.

Holls smacked Brodie on the shoulder, while Van shook his head at our ridiculous antics.

“You sure you’re okay?” Van asked as he glanced at me.

I nodded in response.

Van started down the hallway. “I’m going to get ready for bed.”

“I’ll be right behind you, honey,” Brodie whispered, his eyes locked on Van’s ass.

“Thank fuck I’m sleeping out here,” I grumbled.

“I’ll keep you company for a bit,” Holls offered, and sat down across from me.

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