Page 104 of 4-Ever

When he came back down, he had his duffle bag in hand, and headed for the door.

“Running away when things get heavy?” I snapped. “Is that it? We’re done? You’re back to fucking randos?”

“I didn’t say that! I just need some space to think. That’s all.”

“Yeah,” I scoffed. “Go. Leave. It’s fine. It’s always easier to leave than to be the one left behind, right?”

I knew I’d hit my mark when Ronin flinched. That was a low blow. But I was so angry, so hurt that he wouldn’t stay and talk to me, that I lashed out.

Ever since his dad walked out on him, he kept everyone, except his family, at arm’s length. And sometimes me too. He felt deeply, more than most, but he wasn’t comfortable with that fact. Ironically, I felt the same way.

“This is not about you,” I reiterated, pleading with him to understand.

“How can you say that? You couldn’t tell me how you felt about me, and you were so frustrated that you snorted your pain away. Don’t tell me it’s not about me!”

“Not all of it! And it’s about us!” I shouted and slapped my hand on the table.

The sound of the door opening made me jolt, and I turned to face an irate Lennie.

“What the fuck is going on here?” he asked.

Ronin shook his head, his dark hair falling into his face. “I’m staying on the other bus.”

Lennie’s face fell as he glanced between me and Ronin.

“What he said,” I replied and stalked off to the bathroom, slamming the door shut. I slid to the floor, gripping my head in my hands, the tears flowing free and hot. I kicked the shower door and then got up, turned on the water as hot as it would go and stepped inside, clothes and all.

I was shivering, despite the warmth of the water. Struggling, I stripped my wet clothes off and left them on the tile floor. Then I scrubbed myself raw and cursed myself for leaving that stupid journal where anyone could see it.

By the time I’d dried off, I was exhausted, drained. Then I realized, I’d forgotten my cell. I padded back to the living area, now dark and quiet, and picked up my phone.

Brodie: We’re in the VIP room with Remy. Where the fuck are you guys?

Ronin: Not feeling well, talk tomorrow

Faise: Yeah, sorry. I’m done. For the night.

Was Ronin done with me forever?

Holls: Lennie says you’re staying in the other bus, what’s going on Ro?

Ronin: Not now

Brodie: What the fuck is happening?

Ronin knew. I might as well tell everyone else.

Faise: Ronin learned part of the reason why I hit the coke so hard. And now we’re done. Any more questions?

I shut my phone off. I wasn’t supposed to do that. Regan would have my balls for breakfast. But fuck it. I just wanted silence.

But I couldn’t make myself walk back to my bunk. Ronin’s bunk. Not after everything we’d done in there.

Fuck, Ronin had the right idea. I wanted to get off this goddamn bus. Unfortunately, there was nowhere else for me to go. So, instead of sleeping on my bunk, I grabbed a blanket and stretched out on the sofa. Not that sleep would come anytime soon.

Guilt ate away at me. Should I have told him when I came out of rehab? My therapist had urged me to confront my feelings about Ronin, but even then, I couldn’t do it. The idea of losing my best friend trumped my need to come clean about all the reasons why I was using in the first place.

Fuck, would Ronin ever trust me again? Or would things never be the same? And why was I so torn up? He was the one who’d violated my privacy.

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