Page 47 of Crown of Chaos

It felt the ground slip out from beneath me, and Knox smirked as the color drained from my face. My stomach somersaulted, and a weak gasp escaped me.

Chapter Twenty-Four

Knox’s words bounced between myears, muting the angry words he continued to throw at me. It sounded like I’d stepped into a wind tunnel. If what he’d said was true, he’d protected the witches. The witch I’d crumbled like tinfoil had mentioned her part within it, but she’d told me I about the dogs, and feeding the girls to them. My mind whirled with what it meant, and how it looked. I’d slaughtered them all, and there’d been zero hesitation on my part.

The looks on the girls’ faces flashed through my mind, threatening to make me retch what little food I’d held down in the last day. My stomach somersaulted, and I smothered the gag that built in my throat. Saliva pooled in my mouth, forcing me to swallow repeatedly to keep the sustenance down. Lifting my palms to my hair, I yanked against the silken strands before releasing a shuddered breath.

“You ordered your people to leave the children alone,” I mumbled through the disbelief slicing and shredding my heart. “Shit. You ordered them not to harm children, and I missed it.”

“A lot of fucking good it did for my people. Their own queen walked in, threw a fucking tantrum, and slaughtered them. Once we’d realized what was happening at the keep, I posted men there to ensure the lord didn’t run before I arrived. I had every intention of using him as a warning to any other lord who thought to do something similar. Instead of taking care of that, I sat here and watched you losing our children.” If I looked close enough, I could see his rage pulsing just beneath his skin, waiting to be released.

“If you hadn’t allowed Aurora to lead you into a trap that cost us our daughters, then your sanctuary wouldn’t have fallen because I would have already handled the issue. But that sequence of events occurred and led to you slaughtering my people. I sent boys to squire there, Aria. They’re dead because Iorderedthem there, andyouexecuted themall!”

Guilt burned in my eyes, and I didn’t conceal from him. “Not willingly. I wasn’t aware of innocent lives in that keep, Knox. I didn’t know!” My words slipped out sharply and swiftly as my hands twisted into the skirt of the gown I wore. Not just a child.Children. He’d sent them there, and I’d killed them.

“You didn’t know? Did you check before you attacked? Or maybe stop to realize that I established the borderlands from diverse races. One’s who weren’t sterile as our people were? No, because you saw nothing beyond your desire to hold an entire castle responsible for the crimesoneman committed.” His harshly issued accusation slapped into me, knocking the fight out of me.

My hands dropped, and my body trembled uncontrollably. He was right. I hadn’t looked or investigated if there were innocent beings inside. I’d been too mad to see beyond my need to make them pay. Swallowing the excess saliva pooling in my mouth, I clenched my eyelids shut.

“Do you know why I don’t just walk up to a place and decimate it, wife? Is it easier? Certainly. That isn’t even a question. The reason I don’t is because there is always the possibility of victims within, and they don’t deserve to endure more pain or agony. You attacked my lands and the people I was supposed to protect. Do you have any idea what I thought when I saw the destruction you created? I thought Hecate had done it. But then I discovered that pretty, tiny pink ribbon you’d placed on my flag, and I had to acknowledge that the monster wasn’t Hecate. It was you.” He started from the room, but I called out to him, forcing him to linger.

“Knox,” I murmured, moving closer, seeing his head tilting. When no words came, he spun around to face me. His thickly coiled arms lifted, covering his chest while he waited for me to speak.

“What the hell could you possibly need from me, Aria? My obligation isn’t to ease your guilt. I have to inform mothers that I, their fucking king, sent their children off to die. I have to tell the wives of my men that they’re widows because their husbands crossedyourpath and they didn’t make it out alive. So, what the fuck do you want from me,wife?”he demanded, moving back to stand in front of me.

“I did not know the children or your men were there,” I declared, working to fight off the pain ripping through me.

“You accuse me of being a murderous, heartless prick every chance you get.” He grunted when I merely shook my head in reply. “I’ve never walked into a keep and slaughtered the entire assembly within it, ever. But you? You enjoyed unleashing your magic on that place, and it was clear in the way you folded bodies and left them for others to see so they’d fear you. Didn’t you?”

“I’m sorry,” I muttered, hating that he was correct. “I didn’t think. I just reacted in anger, and grief that exploded, Knox.”

“So that makes what you did okay?” he snapped.

“No, it doesn’t excuse what I did at all. I know I fucked up. What about you? You speak of me slaughtering unjustly when you’ve murdered thousands of innocent souls,” I accused, knowing that what he had done in no way justified my actions at that keep. “You admitted that you have many times!”

Had I enjoyed murdering the bitch who had executed the children?Yes.I couldn’t argue with that fact because I actually had felt peace within the violence in which she’d died. Was I wrong to execute the lord? No. Had Knox not saved the witches, the lord would have fed them to his dogs. He had probably done so many times in the past. The innocent people caught up in my anger? I felt nothing but crippling shame over their deaths.

“I am not perfect, and I’ve ended lives that didn’t deserve to die, but I’ve never done so on the scale you did. There were pregnant women and children within that keep. Expectant mothersyouhelped during Beltane,” he admitted softly, clenching his jaw and fists while staring at me. “I warned you about touching my people. I told you it was a line you couldn’t cross. You’ve placed me in a tough position.”

He had told me that, and I had still walked into a keep in his kingdom and decimated it. My head dropped forward, shame resonating through me in ripples while staring at the blood covering his hands.

“Give me one good reason not to walk out there and tell them that their queen brutally ended their loved one’s lives,” he pleaded softly. His words beseeched me to lie, to let him believe I hadn’t been the monster who’d carried out the atrocities he’d seen. I couldn’t, though, nor would I lie to ease the agony burning inside of him.

“I have no reason to give you, Knox. There’s no excuse for what I did. I allowed my grief to cloud my better judgment. So, you can go stand before them and report that the puppet queen you married slaughtered them.” I exhaled a shuddered sigh, letting him see the anguish and rage in my eyes. “But I’m not their queen, nor did I offer them my vow of protection. I am nothing to you or your people. You told me that yourself and then made certain I was very aware of it. Both you and Aurora look at me and see a tool you can use against your enemies. To everyone else, I am your whore who they laugh at. I’m fully aware of my worth to you,husband.” My fingers unclenched and wiped away the moisture on my cheeks before I cleared my throat to continue.

“Before you forced me to that altar, you made it perfectly clear that Liliana was the only woman you will ever love and I was simply the witch you wanted to own. You can never love something like me, Knox, not even after finding out the truth about Liliana’s identity. Me? I’m still only the consequence you’re stuck with.” Stepping back, I battled against the pricking of guilt and the tightening in my chest.

“I remember,” he whispered, causing me to lift my gaze to his. “I just didn’t think you’d end up being a monster like me so soon. I have endured five hundred years of war and tragedy to become what I am. You didn’t make it an entire year before becoming one.”

I jerked physically from the slap of his words. I deserved it. But if I was a monster, he and this world had created me.

“You’re not a queen, and you’ll never be one if you continue like this. You don’t think beyondyourown people and whattheyneed. To be a queen, you have to face the consequences of your actions.” He uttered coldly while he remained before me.

“If you can’t think without your grief driving you, you won’t be any different from the rest of us. You’ll just end up being another fucking monster like the rest of us. Sorry to inform you, but now you’re just another villain. I have to return the bodies of the people you murdered to their families for burial and inform them of their losses. I’d consider your next move very carefully. If you attack my people, I will cage you so you’re no longer a threat to them or anyone else. I don’t want this for you, Aria. I thought we had made progress, but while I was whispering my truths to you, you were biding your time before you could unleash your misery on others.”

“That’s not fair. I didn’t leave here intending to hurt anyone. I’m sorry, Knox. I really didn’t, and I wish I could take it back and undo it now. I can’t, and I know that. I’m not this person, and I don’t want to be another monster. I never thought I was a hero, because we only considered heroes such to one side of a story. I’m just trying—I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry.”

“Sorry doesn’t bring back the dead. It doesn’t change what you did. If you want to know what it means to be a queen, walk out there with me and help me deliver the news. Show me you’re willing to do what it takes to be one, Aria,” he stated, scanning my face before he snorted. “That’s what I thought. You’re all for saving those you deem worth saving, but when you make a mistake, you can’t face the music. I guess Aurora will take the throne, and you’ll be the one watching everyone from the shadows? Is that your plan?”

---