Page 39 of Crown of Chaos

Chapter Nineteen

Aria

The fire crackling in thechamber’s silence woke me from slumber. I allowed the grief to settle around me in the darkness as I glided my palm to my abdomen, flattening it against my nightgown and then clasping the cloth. Slowly, I extricated myself from the sleeping women who had all loaded into my nest, offering comfort.

When I turned away from them, I found Knox staring into the fire with a drink in one hand and the other braced against the mantel. He downed the contents of the glass before setting it aside and letting out a deep breath. I shuffled forward, wanting him to wrap his strong, reassuring strength against me, but froze when Knox raised his head. A troubled sound escaped his lips, provoking something inside me to mirror it.

It acted as kindling for my anger at what Aurora had allowed to happen. She’d led us into a trap, and it was unforgivable. I’d lost my daughters and sisters because of her failure to lead us. I had believed if I was with her, I could prevent any losses, but I’d been horribly wrong. She refused to listen to reason or trust those around her when they warned her something didn’t seem right. Knox had predicted that she’d be a weak leader months ago. I’d ignored him because I’d figured it was his hate and prejudice against witches talking.

My mind slid to him, and I battled the need to feel him wrapped around me. Knox could silence my mind and ease my pain. Of course, he also ripped me to shredded pieces. The agonizing grief was crushing me and gripping my throat until I felt like I couldn’t get enough air into my lungs. Closing my eyes, I imagined his arms encasing me, easing the losses I’d endured, and immediately, the sensation of falling slid through me.

A jolt of panic rushed through me as the room spun, and when I opened my eyes, I was looking at the library from above, as if observing the scene as an outsider. The sensation lasted only a breath of time before I was being yanked sideways and slammed through the barrier. I barely contained the scream that built in my chest, swallowing it when the world righted, and I stared at the shirtless, muscular back of the man who’d been in my mind before the world had spiraled around me.

Knox was inches away and very much within my grasp. I shot a worried glance toward where I’d been standing and was flooded with relief when I didn’t spot my lifeless body sprawled out on the floor from moving through the translucent barrier. Turning, I took in his toned, sinewy build. Knox’s body was lean and muscular without being bulky. The ink he carried slid over his sides, with raven wings curving perfectly with the lines of his hips. The scent of his drink collided with my senses. Knox reminded me of whisky, smooth, and yet darker with age.

He exhaled slowly and tipped his head back. The slight movement caused the muscles in his back to tense, and the wings curving with the well-defined muscles inched higher. Inhaling deeply, I consumed Knox’s masculine aroma, allowing it to soothe me. It was pure masculinity, with spicy undertones that always had a hypnotic effect on me. There was something addictively appealing about being near him, as if the world weren’t so bleak or hopeless anymore.

Knox turned his head, squinting over at the bed where I’d been, and his focus tightened, drifting around the area, hunting for me. Slowly, he twisted, finding me directly behind him.

“Aria,” he whispered so tenderly that it resonated like a prayer instead of a name.

“I can’t . . . Knox. I cannotbreathe,” I bawled as tears tried to choke off my words. I’d had my entire world destroyed tonight, and the only thing I requested was to be seized by Knox’s arms and not let go. “I can’t,” I exclaimed, waiting as he slowly inched closer, as if he feared going too hastily would cause me to disappear.

“I’ll breathe for you,” he offered firmly, tightening his palms into fists. “If you’ll let me, I’ll do it for you, Aria.”

I shuddered, desperate to stop the sobs that had become broken and hoarse. It felt as if I’d never fully get air into my lungs past the losses I’d known tonight. There was a gaping hole where they’d once been, and I wasn’t sure how to stop the bone-deep, visceral pain that was trying to consume me.

Knox cupped my cheek, breathing slowly with me. “Just take a deep breath and let it go. I’m here with you. You’re not alone anymore. In the morning, we can go back to being adversaries or whatever we are now, but for tonight, let me be your strength and hold you together.”

I nodded, and relief flickered over his face before his arms enveloped me. It was almost painful, but I needed more. I demanded to have him everywhere, all at once. It was too much and not enough. It saturated the wail that broke free with sorrow, so excruciating and soul-wrenching that he shook with me as I surrendered myself to it.

“I got you, Little Monster. You’re okay,” he vowed, kissing my head as he lowered us to the floor and gathered me onto his lap.

“I cannot fucking breathe.” I sobbed louder. Obviously, I could breathe, but I couldn’tbreathe. It was as if I were sinking in a river of sorrow, and the harder I tried to push toward the surface, the deeper I descended into the depths.

“I know,” Knox murmured, grazing my ear with his lips, crushing me in his warmth. His mouth slowly kissed over my bare shoulder to provide comfort while I cried endlessly against his chest. “I know you ache and that the pain is so severe you can’t hold much beyond it other than misery. I know you feel as if you’re standing in quicksand with no way out, Aria. I understand that misery, and I never wanted this for you.”

“I can’t turn it off,” I whimpered as my brain replayed the entire night on an infinite loop. Teeth sank into my shoulder, triggering my shuddered breath as Knox’s bite eased the pain, but it didn’t eliminate it.

I pressed my fingers through his mane, holding him closer, allowing him to soothe the internal agony I couldn’t escape. Knox pulled back, grazing and kissing the space between my shoulder and neck with tender, slow kisses meant to quiet the riot of emotions clouding my thoughts. I didn’t protest when he gently lifted me so he could move us to the large, comfy sofa that sat before the fire. When I slipped my palms over his naked chest, needing to touch him, he purred softly with his approval. Then I draped my arms around his neck and pressed my body close to his.

“I don’t wish to feel this anymore,” I conceded, despising that it was so deep and so fucking painful that I worried I’d never be whole again.

“I know,” he murmured, kissing my neck gently. “I know it hurts and that it seems as if you’ll never be the same after tonight. I recognize that pain and the need to lie down and die just to make it stop, but you can’t. I know what you feel because I’ve lived it for so long that I don’t know any other way to live. You use that pain, Aria—wear it as armor and brandish it as a weapon against your enemies. It will never end, but it’ll get easier one day. I vow to you that you’ll breathe again someday,” he purred in my ear.

“I did this. It’s all my fault.” He tightened his arms around me before his fingers threaded into my hair, tugging my head back, forcing me to look at him.

“You can’t do that,” he rumbled. “I pissed off Hecate, and she murdered my parents, cursed the child I assumed was my son to live through one thousand deaths, and now I know she also cursed my people with infertility. I made a choice, and the innocent paid for it because that’s how this world works. You make the best choice you can at the moment, and you deal with the consequences when they come.” He pushed the hair away from my face, lowering his lips to brush them over my forehead.

“How do you handle the pain, Knox?” I asked, capturing his hand to hold it against the chill I felt when he removed it from my cheek, and he settled me onto my side against him. “How do you survive with this hole that’s trying to swallow you?”

“I started a fucking war, and promised my ghosts that I’d avenge them, and I did not waiver from that goal until I met you, Aria. When I met you, I hesitated for the first time in my life. I’d never failed or made excuses to prolong a life I’d intended to end. I couldn’t kill you, and the more I was around you; the more I learned I didn’t want you dead. I detested you for causing me to hesitate, and make me feel things I’d thought to never feel again. I lashed out because you terrified me and, with you, I could breathe again.”

“Why would you say that now?” I whispered through the lump in my throat. Of all the times to open up, he decided now was a good time?

“Because it’s true, and you make me breathe again. I met you, and you knocked me on my ass, but you also fed me air after I’d been starving for oxygen. This wasn’t your fault, Aria. War doesn’t care about innocent lives or those trying to live while surviving it. You learn to take the little things, and enjoy them wherever you find them. I found you, and I’m right fucking here for you.”

“I lost our babies because I was too fucking naïve to see the truth. I placed my trust in the wrong people, and I lost them because of that. My sister died to buy me time to escape because I’m weak. I can’t face Hecate, not with the chance of losing more people.”

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