Page 54 of F*cking Shattered

Just walking across the soft sand makes my eyes tear. My chest tightens from trying to hold them back, and my heart that I thought was already shattered grinds down to a fine dust, almost like the sand under my feet.

I step under the cabana I rented and pull off my clothes before relaxing in a lounge chair. I can feel River’s eyes on me, but I don’t look at him. I’m not sure if he’s checking me out because of my bikini, or if it’s because he’s afraid finally being here with Katie gone is going to destroy me.

I see a waiter walk by and I call out to him. He walks over and I look him up and down. He’s wearing a pair of white board shorts that hug his hips. Every muscle in his body is ripped and covered in tan skin. I’m sure Katie would approve. However, I wonder which she would choose when it came to River: screw, kill, or marry?

I snap out of my thoughts before ordering two mixed drinks.

"Why did you order two? Are you that thirsty today?” River asks curiously from beside me.

I shake my head while staring out over the water. "No, one is for Katie." I pull the list out of the bag and open it to the last page. The very last thing she wrote was "join me on the beach for a drink". She was determined to get me here one way or another, and she succeeded.

I cross through it as a tear slides down my cheek. It drips from my chin and lands on the paper, smearing the ink. "I'm here, Katie. Now what?"

The waiter returns and hands me one drink while he places the other on the table between River and I. I sip the fruity mixture and it cools me off. I know Katie wouldn't want me to be sad, but I can't help feel lonely here without her. I miss her.

This is something we should have done together. More tears build in my eyes and I don't bother hiding them. They need to fall. I need them out. I didn't think this would be as difficult as it is. I also expected to feel a little closer to her, like this would be some kind of connection for us. But sitting here now without her, she couldn't feel any further away.

I wipe my tears away and notice River is reaching out his hand. I take it in mine and our eyes meet. “I know this is going to be hard on you, but I just want to let you know I’m here. If you need to cry or scream or hit something, I’m here.” He looks so sincere it makes my heart swell.

I nod and dry my face as I pick up my glass and drink it quicker than necessary.

The frozen drink helps to keep me cool while the heat of the day and the bright sun warm my skin. A slight breeze blows through the thin material of the cabana and it relaxes me. I allow my eyes to close as I hold the charm on my necklace in my fist.

* * *

"Hey. Wake up, lazy ass," Katie says as she shakes my arm.

My eyes flutter open and I sit up quickly, looking around me. I'm still in my beach chair, only it isn't River sitting beside me, it's Katie.

"What are you doing here? You're- you're gone," I cry.

Her bottom lip comes out in a pout. "I know. I'm sorry I had to leave you."

I swing my legs over the side of the chair to face her directly. "Why did this happen? I can't do this without you."

"You can do this, Jo. You have been doing it. Look at all the things you've done since I've been gone.”

"I only did those things for the list you made. I felt like I owed it to you.” I know this is a dream, but I can’t stand to look away from her in fear I will wake up and never seen her again. A dream of her is better than nothing.

She smiles brightly with her blonde curls blowing in the gentle breeze. "I know why you did them, but you still did them. By the time you finish that list, you won't need me anymore."

I shake my head, tears now welling up in my eyes. "I'll always need you. I have no idea what I'm doing."

"Yes you do.” She nods, assuring me. “You have everything covered." Her eyes are wide and shining brightly as she stands from her chair and sits down beside me. She wraps her arm around my shoulders and pulls me in for a hug. I can feel it like she's really here with me. "You'll even get a little surprise by the time that list is done. Trust me. Trust in yourself." She hugs me and presses a kiss to my forehead before standing. "I love you, Jo," she says with a smile as she stands to walk away from me.

"I love you, Katie." I whisper the words, but it's like she can hear them anyway because she looks over her shoulder at me.

“Don’t catch any diseases,” I call after her.

She lifts her middle finger and flips me off, like I knew she would, before disappearing from view.

* * *

My eyes flutter open to see River watching me.

“Why are you smiling?” he asks me.

I sit upright and pick up his flask. “I had a dream about Katie.” I reach down and see that I’m still clutching the charm in my other hand.

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