Page 65 of Losing a Piece of Me

She takes a long breath and presses on. “He acted like he was going to hit me, and out of fear and instinct, I covered my stomach to protect our baby.” Her tears fall again as I watch her, frozen from her words.

“He knew, right then. He told me he would tell everyone about them and I knew it would ruin my family. I didn’t want that to happen, so when he told me to leave and get rid of the baby, I listened. I was afraid. When I left, I took my college money and had every intention of finding a clinic, but I couldn’t do it.” She cries harder.

Wait, what?

“I tried, but I couldn’t. I had only just found out, but I loved our baby already.” She wipes her tears and takes a deep breath.

“I decided to stay away and keep the baby; nobody would ever know if I didn’t come back. I found Hannah and she let me stay with her, and I paid her way out of the foreclosure as a thank you. She was going to let me stay with her until I found a place for me and the baby to live. I was so upset about it all. I was sick all of the time, I couldn’t keep food down. I don’t know if it was morning sickness or if it was the stress of what happened.” She shrugs and looks at me for the first time. Pain radiates from her eyes.

“I woke up one night, covered in blood. I miscarried. After everything, I lost the baby anyway. I lost a piece of you. I lost a piece of me.” Sobs are completely wracking her body now. Instinctively, I pull her to my side. My chest hurts from controlling my anger and sadness.

She miscarried. All alone. She must have been so scared and I wasn’t there. I couldn’t help her.

I rub her back and hold her close. Her tears soak through my shirt as I pull myself together. “It’s okay, it wasn’t your fault.”

She pulls away. “It was. It was my fault. I was so stressed, I didn’t take care of myself well enough. I just wanted our baby, I wanted you, and I couldn’t have either. I should have done something. I should have gone to the doctor sooner. I should have been on vitamins. I should have…”

I pull her back against me. “It wasn’t your fault, Lex.” I continue to rub her back and brush her hair away from her wet cheeks, anything to soothe and comfort her.

“It was out of your control. I’m so fucking sorry I wasn’t there.” I’m exerting all the control I have to keep my own tears away.

I can’t fall apart right now. She needs my strength.

I hold her shoulders and pull her away, just enough so that I can see her eyes. “Do you understand? It was not your fault, you didn’t do anything wrong.”

She nods her head and moves back into my chest.

* * *

We sit here for an hour, not talking. Just sitting. She cries until she can’t cry anymore and then I just hold her.

Finally, when all the tears are dry, I start the truck and leave the lake behind us.

When I pull up to my house, I take her in my arms and carry her to bed. She doesn’t stop me. She doesn’t mention Jeff or her mother, she just lets me take her inside.

I set her on her feet and unzip her dress slowly. When it falls around her feet, she sits on the bed and removes her shoes while I pull off my clothes. We crawl into bed, holding one another.

Learning that I had a baby was one thing, but finding out that the baby was taken away from us both is another.

I hated that my father put her in that position. My heart aches from knowing she had to go through all of that alone. I would give anything to go back, even if the pregnancy outcome would have been the same. All I wish is that I could have at least been there for her.

I pull her against my chest, as close as I can get her, and breathe in her scent. She holds my arms around her like she’s afraid I’m going to let her go.

Not a chance.

We need to heal. Together.

* * *

A noise wakes me up and I open my eyes to see Lex up and getting dressed. It’s early and the sun is shining bright through the window, making everything in the room appear orange.

“What are you doing?” I ask, rolling over to face her.

“Get up, we have somewhere to be.” She turns around for me to zip her dress.

I sit up and trail my fingertips along her soft skin before pulling up the zipper. “Where is it that we have to be?”

“We’re going to brunch with my family.” She turns and the light hits her eyes. They are bright blue, full of confidence and bravery.

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