Page 34 of Lost In London

“I dare you to pursue your wildest dreams and go after the person you desire, not who your fears desire. I dare you to continue to evolve boldly. I dare you to transform the world. I dare you to do whatever it takes to pick up your broken pieces and continue to live. Continue to dominate. Continue to love.” Seeing me ready to cower and shut down, she moved quickly to my side of the table and took my hands in hers.

“Fear and love cannot coexist in the same space. One will have more dominance over the other. Today, choose whom will you serve – your fears or your faith knowing that you’re alive. You’re still alive and have nothing stopping you from getting what you want.” Her brown eyes reflected the moisture in mine. Each time I felt myself pulling away out of discomfort, she pulled me closer to her so I’d feel the connection of not being alone.

Taking on her strength.

“You know who you were before your glass became shattered but who are you now, London? Who are you and what are you going to do with those shattered pieces? What we’re going to do is pick them up together and show all the world what it looks like when determination makes fear her bitch.” Whew, that made me holler with tears streaming down my face. “You are the soil, sweetie. Stop letting fear, insecurity, low-self esteem, and everything else take up space in your heart. Not leaving room for this man or anyone else to love you. You’re limitless and it’s time you start seeing that. Nothing about you can be defined and never will be. You are your own person without even knowing it. From your hair down to how you dress. You’re strategic and powerful. Walk in your power, London. Own it. Gone are the days of letting others have your power, do you understand?”

I did understand the radiation of confidence swelling in my chest and fluttering around in my stomach frightened and excited me at the same time.

Wiping my eyes, I hugged her. Aziza promised me months ago after our first brunch date she wasn’t going to give up on me. She promised to be right next to me until I found the strength to stand on my own. One day out of the week she dedicated hours to pouring into me face to face and a lot more hours on the phone during the week. I don’t know what I did to deserve her but I’m glad God sent her to me.

“So, basically you’re telling me that my mama is beating me like a slave because it happened to our ancestors first and that slave mentality has trickled down from generation to generation?” Jamal’s scrunched brows and drooped lips made me want to laugh but I held my composure. “Dang, Mr. Reid. Can I sue my mama for reparations?”

“Oh, Lord.” Natalie held a book over her face to hide her laughing.

I stood at the front of my classroom trying to figure out how the topic of me asking if they wanted to watch Roots or write a paper about the generational effects of what slaves went through and how it continued through our culture turned into him looking like he wanted to call the police on his mom. Not once did I say anything about reparations.

“Uh,” I scratched my beard looking around my classroom trying to figure out how I wanted to answer him. The last thing I wanted any of them to repeat was that I said his parents were like slave owners beating their kids. “If you believe the discipline your mother gives you is equal to how the slaves were beaten…” I really wanted to tell him that he was somewhat right. I’ve witnessed several parents beating their kids harshly and had to step in.

“I can’t tell you what to think, Jamal. Maybe that’s something you need to discuss with her.” I looked over his head as my classroom door opened silently, watching the woman that had become my world step in.

“Now, Mr. Reid. If I question my mama on how she beats me she’s going to beat me just for fixing my mouth for asking. Last week she popped my sister in advance for the headache she was going to have from doing her hair. What part of that makes sense?” Jamal’s retelling story opened the door for other students to start talking about the craziness their parents did.

I wasn’t sure whether to call DCF or be quiet and let them get all the frustrations they had off their chest. They needed this moment to talk shit about their parents in a safe space and I gave it to them. I was unable to find the words to speak staring into her maple brown eyes. I’ve been looking forward to the final hour of my day teaching. Like an anxious kid ready for the first day of school, I slept restlessly in anticipation of seeing her today.

I don’t know what led London to stop by to see me but I was happy to see her.

She made me feel off balance. Out of control of myself. My feelings for London were so unfamiliar because of their potency. They skipped the trivial phase of like and went straight to crave. I wanted her from the first time I saw her, that is true, but I’ve been craving her ever since. And never, ever have I been in the state of mind to possess but that’s what she did to me.

Made me feel primal things. Made me feel so dazed and off balance.

I remember being entranced by the silent sadness on her face months ago and now I was enamored by the low beams of light finding their way back into her eyes. Today she wore a Fuschia pants suit with a matching pair of high heels she loved to wear. Paying close attention to the arch of her foot and the clutter of hearts tattooed on the inside of her ankle, I couldn’t help but run my tongue over my lips.

Drifting my eyes back up to her face, the beginning of a smile tipped the corners of her mouth. Just one kiss. One long sensual kiss. That’s all I want.

Subconsciously, I heard Natalie clearing her throat but I wasn’t ready to pull away from London just yet. I wanted to keep my eyes on her just a little bit longer. Even if she granted me the privilege to always keep my eyes on her, it still wouldn’t be enough. There was this underlying fear rooted deep in my heart that if I took my eyes off her for just a quick glimpse of a second, she’d disappear. Maybe this was a figment of my imagination from wanting her in the capacity I did but my nose confirmed she indeed was here in my classroom.

“Mr. Reid. Quincey.”

Smiling at my paralyzed stance, London made it worse by waving and winking. Turning to Nat in frustration that she had interrupted my moment, it all eased seeing her nervous eyes peer up at me. “I-I was just letting you know that the bell is about to ring.” Her sheepish grin dropped a little as she stepped back.

Blinking my vision clear, my ears unclogged from the transfixed state I was in and everything around me became clear again. My students' loud voices reminded me that I was still in class teaching. “My apologies, Nat. Thanks.” I had no idea what I was speaking about before London came in and took my train of thought. Luckily the bell rang, saving me from having to figure it out longer. “Be safe and I’ll see you all tomorrow.”

“Bye, Mr. Reid.” They all breezed past London quickly. A few looked her way and waved causing her to wave back.

Right before Nat could scurry off behind them, I apologized again. “I’m sorry. Thanks for handling things for me.”

Quickly glancing at London, she smirked and gave me a knowing look. “It’s no problem. See you tomorrow.” She too waved to London.

Finally, she and I were alone.

“I didn’t mean to interrupt. I was in the area and wanted to see you in action.” Her hips dipped and swayed around the desks until she stood before me. “I hope that’s okay?”

It was more than okay.

Leaning back against my desk, I crossed my arms to keep from reaching out and pulling her into my chest. My need to keep my hands to myself was becoming a struggle when it came to her. “You know if you ever want to see me all you have to do is call me. You have my number.”

Twisting her lips smiling, she shifted her clutch to her other hand looking down at her heels. “I didn’t want to call.” She shrugged. “I had an itch to scratch so I came to the source.” She was playing in dangerous territory and didn’t know it. “I’ll remember that next time.”

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