Page 33 of Lost In London

“Come on now, London. Don’t let my clothes or title at a church change who you know that I am and that’s an honest woman. Before there was ever a church there were the streets and I still hang out around my neck of the woods.”

This is why I loved her.

Placing my fork down and pushing my plate back, I shifted in my seat unsure of where to even begin. “A few days ago someone who doesn’t know me looked at my relationship with Olena for thirty minutes and told me about myself. This person was able to see how I’m using her as a safe space to get the love and affection I want without having to date a man to get it.” I sat back blinking and breathing hard.

I’m such a horrible person.

Doing something felt totally different than hearing myself speak the dishonesty of my actions out loud.

“I call bullshit, London.” She sipped her wine smirking.

Gawking at her words, I laughed in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“You basically said that she provides a safe space for you to date and get the romance you long for but I call bullshit for the second time because last I checked you share a bed and a house with Cassian, am I correct?”

I get what she’s saying but that’s different. It wasn’t the same thing. “That’s not the same though. Plus, he’ll never hurt me.”

“And you have to believe and have faith that another man won’t either.” She leaned across the table resting her chin on her palm. “I asked when was the first time you felt unsafe and you summed it up to when your father left you alone and unprotected for a short amount of time. When Landon ignored your cries for help. When your mother blamed you for the actions of others because believing that you were the cause was easier than confronting the truth. If you stopped having faith in men, if you continued to believe that all men would hurt you in the same way, especially after being hurt the first time by your father, then you would have stopped dating a long time ago and there would have been other women besides Olena.”

Shoot that burned.

Downing my glass of water and her untouched glass of water, I drank until the stings of her wounds became less of a sting to breathe through. “I know I’m living a lie and when I met Olena it wasn’t like this. I was genuinely attracted to her.”

“I think Tracie Ellis-Ross is beautiful as hell but you don’t see jumping into her DM’s.” The way she rolled her neck made me laugh.

“Initially, I thought this would remedy a lot of my issues. Yes, I’m attracted to her. Yes, she slightly turns me on but I think that’s the curiosity in me of wanting to explore those realms of being with a woman, though I really don’t want to. Blame it on my years of watching porn. Anyway, Olena stepped to me and made it easy to talk. She listened and flirted, giving me the attention I was craving. I was unsure of dating her and she promised we’d go slow until whatever this is becomes more.” Huffing in frustration at not being able to say it how I wanted, I slouched down in my seat and looked around.

“My mind told me that a woman was safer than a man so I ran with the thought after she asked me out. When I want to send flirty texts all day she responds. Even the explicit ones when I never act out my words in person.” I can’t believe I’m admitting all of this right now. “We go out to eat and go dancing. Half of the time we spend together, I feel like I’m out with my best friend doing the wild stuff I did with my old friends. But then…” a smile curved my lips as my cheeks grew warm.

“Oh, girl. I know that look.” She started laughing and waved down our waiter asking for two glasses of their sangrias. “Who is he? And before you try to lie, I can see it written all over you, London. Who is the man that has you out here rethinking your entire life?”

Damn, is it that obvious?

Covering my blushing face, I squealed behind my hands. “He’s beautiful, Zi. Yes, the brotha is beautiful and fine and just downright everything in a bag of chips. Then he has the nerve to be bow-legged with a heavy walk. Just thick and sexy for no reason.” She and I started giggling like two teenage school girls talking about their crush. “He’s probably six-three, six four. Not overly thick but medium built with muscles. He’s like a freshly made Reeses Peanut Butter cup.” I closed my eyes and started moaning.

Quincey.

Quincey.

Quincey.

Gosh, I loved his name.

“His voice is like the sound of heavy rain pouring down over a lake with thunder sounding off in the background. It’s lazy but soul-snatching. Mesmerizing even and I love the way he calls me Ms. London.” I had to fan myself. “Then his eyes.” I dropped my head and took a deep breath. “Since I was first introduced to him I’ve been avoiding him. It’s like he sees me, like he’s looking at me naked in all my flaws and shame. He calls me out on my bullshit. Makes me want to beat down on his mama’s door and ask her to dinner so I can properly thank her for giving birth to all of his glory. Then I feel oddly connected to him. Like I’ll fall in love with him the second I pull my walls down because my soul will run heart first into his arms. But, I shouldn’t feel this way. I shouldn’t want him, right?”

Whew, that was a lot to admit.

It was true.

I have a big crush on Quincy Reid.

“Why shouldn’t you want him?”

Rubbing my fingertips over the ridges of the scars on my wrist, I gulped down my insecurities. “I’m scared, Zi. I’m scared to trust another man with me. I don’t think I’ll survive another assault.” It took a lot to pull me out of the dark headspace I was in a year ago. Sometimes I have moments of dipping my toes back in the water of the past and can feel myself drowning.

“I dare you.”

Confused, I leaned in whispering, “Dare me to do what?”

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