Page 12 of Stargazer

“I love you, mum.”

She might have been away a lot as a child, but she never failed to tell us that she loved us. I think leaving the Knights at the age she did—even just for that moment in time—and meeting my dad, made her softer than some of the other warriors. And I was thankful for it. Especially when I’d seen how different Thea had been as a mother and what it was like for Griffin to grow up around someone like that. I wanted my mum to know that.

“I’m grateful. To have you as a mother.” Ignoring the glassiness in her eyes, I continued, “I don’t know if I've said it, but I forgive you for not telling us. I get it and I forgive you. And I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you about the life I was living.”

One more thing off my chest. Another apology that needed to happen.

She got up from her seat and walked to where I was perched on the side of her desk. Cupping my face and then adjusting my hair in a purely maternal way, she smiled at me, so full of warmth and motherly love.

“I am sorry, Cookie. I really thought that it was the only way to keep you girls out of this world. And I thought keeping you out of it was best. I knew I was taking that choice away from you, but without your dad here, I didn’t know what else to do to keep you safe. I know …” she sighed, but forced herself to continue, “I know that it wasn’t the right decision, and I should have told you both as soon as you were old enough to understand and make those decisions for yourself. And I’m also sorry for not being there as much as I should have. I tried my best. I tried to balance everything and do it all. I hope that you don’t hold it against me. That you both don’t.”

“I know, mum. And honestly, I don’t know how you did it all on your own. I’m grateful you had Xari at least to confide in. But you did more than try, mum. You did amazing. And knowing all I do now, I’m in awe of you. You're a badass, you know that?” I chuckled and mum’s half-snort, half-laugh reply made me smile wider.

“It’s been hard, not having you around and having Celeste so mad at me,” she admitted. “I know it’s so new to her. Not like it was with you. So I understand her pain and resistance.” She furrowed her brows. “I’ve felt so guilty since that day when you ran to me distraught. That I let River stay in your life, even with my suspicions of what he was. I felt so guilty that I assumed he was harmless like your father but he had killed someone. Someone that could have been you. It was a lot to deal with and it took its toll. But Xari helped me through it and I fell back into my work, looking for whatever evidence I needed to be able to take him and his pack down. Knowing you were safe training as a Knight and getting updates from Thea kept me sane. That, and your sister slowly coming around—that frosty exterior of hers melting at her own pace. But I’m so, so happy to know that River is the boy I thought he was after all. That I wasn’t wrong about him and that I didn’t completely fail as a mother. I know the rogues are a serious problem we need to deal with, but I was so relieved when my digging led me to them and cleared River’s name in the process.”

“You didn’t fail, mum. Not at all,” I said as I shook my head. “Your mumma instincts were right. I just hope we can help him,” I breathed out.

“We will, darling.” Her face was determined.

“Mum?” I asked again after a minute.

“Yes, Cookie?”

“Is any part of you disappointed that I joined the Knights?” I dipped my head, fearful of her response. I had already decided I’d continue my journey anyway. It wouldn’t change that if she was, but having her blessing would be nice. “I know it wasn’t what you wanted for me,” I added.

She took me in. “You have no idea how proud I am to see you find your strength and come into your own as a Knight.” Indeed, her eyes shone with pride when I looked up. “And wanting to work with the wolves, to help the pack and be that tether between the two … your dad would have been so proud.” A tear slid down her cheek and I was very sure that a matching one was sliding down my own. “It shows me that you’re not only ready for this world, but that your heart will guide you to always make the right decisions. Following orders isn’t always right. I just want you to remember that. You’ve come to them with a different and outside perspective, use that to your advantage when you can and stay true to yourself. I know you’ll be fine.” She rubbed both my shoulders comfortingly. “Remember that you’re a wolf too, in your heart. As much as you are a Knight. Use that to guide your choices.”

I nodded, somewhat speechless.

Mum gave me another squeeze and then walked back to her spot behind the desk. “Get some rest, honey. I know it’s been a big day for you.”

Later, when I was in my room trying to read and wind-down, Celeste bombarded in, plopping herself on my bed. And once again, I was reminded of how similar she was to Kit at times.

She demanded to know all the little details about Griffin, and I spilled, relieved to be able to tell her everything.

Like me, she didn’t know what to make of it all. She just listened and took it all in but didn’t push me or try to justify what she believed would be the right choice.

Eventually, when I couldn’t hold back the sleep any longer, I kicked her out. Physically. The girl wouldn’t take the hint. Not with all the yawning, nor the countless mutterings under my breath about how tired I was.

It was cute, and I couldn’t help but smile at the thought. We needed sister time, but I also needed sleep time. Desperately. So I had to forcibly remove her, pushing her out the door and closing it behind her with a soft thud and a tired yawn.

She huffed from the other side and the sound trailed as she walked towards her own room, her footsteps sounding down the hall. “Goodnight to you too, grumpy butt.”

I nodded with a tired smile, not that she could see it, but that was all I had the energy to do. I was exhausted.

I crashed to my bed with a thud. My energy drained. My social battery drained.

All I wanted to do was sleep for the next ten hours.

Every conversation—every apology—was a mental battle that drained me further and further.

Still, I was proud of my progress. It was time to move on, and while the guilt would take time to overcome, it was a start.

CHAPTER 5

GRIFFIN

Travelling at nightfall was not the smartest idea. A realisation that only hit me once I’d exited the compound and found myself sitting in the Jeep in the pitch black, with nothing but the shitty illumination from the streetlights to shed some light on my ill-thought-out plan. People clearly made stupid decisions after dark without thinking them through, and I had fallen victim to such whims.

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