Page 13 of Stargazer

I couldn’t exactly show up to her house in the middle of night. What the fuck would her mother think?

As much as my need to see her was propelling me, I didn’t want to start things off with her mum on a bad note. So, I forced myself back to bed with every intention of leaving first thing in the morning.

And that’s what I did. Leaving me stuck in bumper-to-bumper Manhattan traffic.

Driving to Saint Claire gave me nothing but time to dwell, worry and self-loath.

Eager to see her and make things right, while trying not to panic that she’d already gone back to the furball in every way, the two-and-a-bit hour drive was feeling like absolute torture. I was driving on autopilot, my thoughts filled with the girl that had taken my world by storm.

And all I could do while I was stuck in this car alone was hope that I hadn’t royally fucked things up.

I tried to plan what I’d say to her. How I’d win her back.

I’m sure she could tell that my actions and words never matched up. And that was due to the fact that I was warring with myself internally, which I figured out after some serious self-reflection.

I wanted her with every fibre of my being. Even though I’d always said that sort of commitment was too much for me, I thought maybe with her I could do it.

But simultaneously, I had never been a boyfriend. I had never seen a properly functioning relationship. It’s not like my parents were happy before my dad left. Kit’s parents were likely the only decent example I had, and they weren’t around much either, especially over the last few years after they took over the Kyoto compound.

So I didn’t know if I could be relied on. If I could promise not to hurt her and follow through with it. Not that I would ever cheat on her or even look at another girl the same way. But because I was scared and I didn’t know if I could trust myself not to act out and accidentally push her away when things got difficult. And it wasn’t fair to put that on her. Not after what she’d been through in the past. Not with her trust issues.

That’s why I had put it off.

Promises were almost always broken. In my experience, anyway.

I was broken.

And I was scared to put my trust into someone. Scared to let people in and get hurt.

I wasn’t afraid of a lot. Fuck, I was a brave guy, it was part of the job. But being unwanted, being left behind, being not good enough; these had always been fears of mine. And I knew exactly where they stemmed from.

Yet these fears had come true anyway. She had hurt me. Left me to go back to him.

Despite it all, I wanted her. I cared about her.

And I’d do whatever I could to get her back.

So, I needed to face these fucking fears head on like I did with every other situation I encountered and stop being such a pussy. Even if it meant potentially getting hurt again.

As I passed trees in a rapid blur of green, my thoughts kept flickering back to that first time we had sex; waking up to that beautiful face and watching her deep in thought. All I felt was bliss with her that morning—and every morning I had spent with her since. Pure, unadulterated bliss. A foreign feeling to me. Usually something I only felt while fighting.

It was cute how she’d get in her head, and I truly wanted to know what was going on in that brain of hers when I awoke to her brows crumpled in thought.

Did I just say cute?

She really had infiltrated my mind, and apparently my vocabulary too.

In that moment, I wondered what had gotten her all flustered. I could have watched her for hours. And when she tried to leave, I had this possessive need to keep her wrapped in my arms. I think I actually growled? Which had never happened before—proof I was going crazy, I guess.

I seductively teased her, trying to make sure she wouldn’t leave—anything to keep her with me for just a little while longer. I just wanted her around, all the damn time. She tried to resist, and I found myself watching her with pure affection and intense desire—I yearned for her to want me like that too. I could feel that she did, but her words said otherwise.

I had been so surprised at my own thoughts. That had never happened after sex before, wanting someone to stay so badly. Not that I ever brought anyone else to my room—so really, it was more like I never wanted to stay with anyone else so badly. But I knew. Deep down I knew things would be different with her. Knew it from early on.

And I was in nirvana waking up to her. I had to snap myself out of the trance and hide it with my go-to combination of sarcasm and charm. After all, I couldn’t be the one to get all soft and serious first.

When she still attempted to turn me down, it turned me on even more and I needed to taste her again. I couldn’t help myself. I needed to capture those lips in mine. So I did, and the little moan she gave me in return was heaven. It was enough. Enough to know that I had won in life—she wanted me just as much.

That morning was probably the first time I realised she meant more to me than anyone else in my life ever had. Of course, I didn’t admit it—to her, or myself.

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