Page 32 of Atonement

“Because I have no reason to help you.”

“That doesn’t exactly reassure me.”

He continued walking past me, and I followed with reluctance. “Your father is one of the worst people I’ve ever had the displeasure of knowing, Meyer. I’m a greedy bastard and he pays me well. But that doesn’t mean I lost my entire conscience. I want to get the two of you out here so I never have to see your faces again. I’ll deal with what happens to Eva some other way.”

“You could have helped us. Ibeggedyou to help. And all this time you were reporting back to him.”

“Not everything. He doesn’t know you tried to kill yourself twice, or that you hold her as if she’s the most precious thing you’ve ever owned.”

I looked at her face where it lay against my arm, still writhing with anger and heartache despite the drug dulling her nervous system. “I should have killed him like you said.”

“Yeah. You should have.”

My lips were too dry. “How did you have all this ready?”

He smiled ruefully, one side of his mouth higher than the other. “I guessed Eva would come. I just wasn’t sure how long it would take her to get here.”

Maddie’s fingers twitched, as if reaching for something. I shifted her in my arms and looked back at Joshua. “Show me the car.”

*

I withdrew cash from an ATM near Conrad’s house, hitting the daily limit for how much I could withdraw, but I’d drive out of our way sometime tomorrow and get more. I wasn’t quite convinced he wouldn’t try to track us down, despite his promise to let Madeline go. Then I got in the car and didn’t stop for two hours, and only then because my adrenaline finally wore off. I was forced to pull off the road and check us into the motel that boasted in-room Ethernet and a seasonal hot tub. I asked for a room at the back of the motel. After making sure no one was peeking through their windows, I carried Madeline inside. Eventually, she came to on the bed while I played the pre-loaded Snake game on my brand new burner phone. She was silent except for her shifting as she tried to sit up.

“Try not to move,” I murmured, and I rushed to sit next to her as she struggled to sit up. I had ditched my own blood-covered shirt and pulled on a new one, thanks again to Joshua.

Ignoring me, she tried to sit up, casting her glance around the room as if expecting Conrad to reappear at any moment. “Where are we?”

I placed one hand on her shoulder and pushed her gently back into the pillow. “The nicest room at the nicest hotel in a random town two hours north of the house.”

“My stomach hurts.” She shrugged off my hand.

Short term memory loss from the drugs. How much would she remember? “He cut you. I bandaged it.” I leaned closer, trying to catch her eye, but she stared directly at the ceiling as if I weren’t there. “Maddie, please look at me.”

“This is your fault.”

My elbow buckled slightly as I lost my strength for a moment. Suddenly, I didn’t want her to look at me. I directed my gaze to the side, resisting the urge to brush away the hair clinging to her cheek. “I know it is.”

“We could have been gone. With my parents.” Fresh tears fell from her eyes. “But you ran away from me. Youleftme, again, after you promised not to. And now I’ve lost my mother forever.” She covered her face with her hands as silent sobs wracked her body. My hands reached out but I couldn’t bring myself to touch her, not when she was so grief-stricken and I was the cause.

She sat with a sudden burst of energy, exploding upwards so fast she nearly hit my head with hers. “You ruined everything!” Her eyes shone with the force of her anger, as if she could incinerate me on the spot just with her gaze.

My own breathing was too ragged; my heart bounced around my chest like rubber. “I know.” I reached for her shoulders, trying to keep her from leaping off the bed, but she wouldn’t hold still. She broke free from me and bolted for the door, but I was right on her heels, reaching over her to slam the door shut just as she pulled it open. I picked her up by the waist and spun around, putting her down on the other side, then put the flimsy chain on the door for good measure. I slowly followed her as she stalked across the room to stand by the dresser. “Let me look at what he did to you. You have other wounds we need to take care of.” Beyond what my father had done, she had a myriad of scratches covering her arms and legs from her flight through the forest.

A shutter fell over eyes and the light disappeared. She hugged her arms around herself, back hunching beneath the faded shirt, entire body trembling like a leaf in the wind. “I don’t want you looking at them.”

That was hopeful. She didn’t say she didn’t want me looking at her at all, just that she didn’t want me to see her injuries. Like she had before, the first time Conrad cornered her when she was alone. I’d been able to convince her to show me then. I could do it now. I took a step closer as I willed my wild heart to stay in one place. I needed to be the strong one now.

“Maddie, you’re injured. Show me.” I was close enough now to place the tips of my fingers on one of her arms. Her skin was too cold.

“No.” Tears flew from her face as she shook her head. I seized her shoulders as she tried to turn away from me, resisting the urge to shake her.

“Remember? We’ve come through these bad things before. We can do it again.”Please, just let me touch you. I couldn’t stand this distance between us, the horrific gulf that had sprung up because of my own selfish stupidity. “Show me where you’re hurt. Let me look at it, at least.”

“I told you, it’s too late.” She tried to shove off of me and I grabbed her wrists, then wrapped her up in a bear hug to subdue her movements. She beat her head against my chest, trying to separate us, but I squeezed her tighter. “You waited too fucking long, Meyer. And now I’ve lost my mother forever.”

So did I, I thought as my heart broke a little more. “I had no idea she was going to do that,” I swore. “I haven’t been in contact with her. I never would have asked her to do what she did.”

“He made me call her.” She lifted her head from my chest and stopped hitting me long enough to wipe her face. "She knew what was happening. I guess she trusted me in your hands far more than she did in his."

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