Page 33 of Atonement

I hoped that meant Eva still had some faith in me. Even knowing that I been left for over two decades with only my sadist father to raise me, she believed I was still good enough. That gave me a little glimmer of hope in my chest. My mother still loved me.

"She wanted you to have a life."

Maddie started to fight me again, and I trapped her between the wall and my chest.

"Don't fucking say that to me, Meyer. She should never have had to sacrifice herself in the first place, and she wouldn't have if you hadn't walked out on me.” She was screaming too loud; someone was going to call management. Or worse, the police. I had to soothe her, somehow. “Better yet, you should have killed him and freed us all a long time ago."

"I know."

"But you didn't!"

"I know."

The admission seemed to mollify her, if only a little, and she stopped fighting even though she refused to lean on me. We stood like that for some time, her breathing into my chest and me trying to keep myself in check so that I could be strong for her. Not that she even wanted my strength. But I had to convince myself I was doing something positive for the both of us.

"I need to see what he did to you."

She sighed in resignation as I stepped back from her, finally giving her space to breathe, and offered up her right arm. I helped her to gently feed it back through the sleeve of my T-shirt, then rolled up the fabric to look at her shoulder. She groaned and dropped her head against my chest at the pain the movement caused her. I made a mental note to check the bags Joshua had packed for us, placed carefully in the back seat of the car, for painkillers.

“Jesus. Mads, I’m so sorry.” Her entire shoulder was purple, marbled with blood-red streaks. It was a miracle she could move it. “Does it hurt?”

“What do you fucking think?” She came back to herself for a moment, shoving me away, but I pulled the shirt up and over her head. It was so big she slipped through the collar like it was nothing, and the entire garment fell to the floor once I moved it off her left shoulder. I moved my hand to her right breast, running my hand over the hard nipple. It was ringed with red bite marks.

“Maddie…”

“Don’t,” she sobbed, fingers digging into my biceps, but avoiding the bruise my father had left only a few days ago. Even in the midst of her pain she was conscious of mine. “I can’t take it.”

“I won’t stop. I won’t accept that this is how we end. I won’t admit I fucked up so badly that you can’t bear to let me touch you.”

I grabbed her face and kissed her harshly, twisting back her head so far she could barely move. With her hands freed from my hold she began to beat at my chest, but I pressed her against the wall again and she couldn’t get away from me any more.

“Let me help.” I bit her lip but she yanked her head to the side, her copper blood exploding in my mouth. I moaned and licked my lips as I stared at her, resisting the urge to lap up the blood on her lip.

“No one can help me now.” Her lip trembled as she stilled, hands falling to my biceps. She was doing her best to push me away, but her dark eyes betrayed her true feelings as much as they always did. Even from the beginning, she hadn’t been able to hide from me. And she sure as hell couldn’t now.

I wiped away her blood with my thumb and brought it to my mouth. “You’re lying.”

“Even if I am, how can we go back? Your dad…” Her eyes fell closed as fresh tears tumbled down her cheeks. “It’s too much to overcome.”

“And haven’t we overcome that and then some by now? Together?” I claimed her lips one more, and though she still didn’t let me in, she didn’t fight me either. Her tears mixed with her blood, salt and rust mingling on my lips. “I can fix this. Let me try.”

She shook her head, pulling her lips away from mine. “It’s not that I can’t bear it.” Every one of her sobs was a knife through my heart. “It’s that I somehow still want you even after what he did and I hate it. I fucking hate myself for it.”

My heart stuttered. So there was still a chance. Everything wasn’t ruined, not yet. “Please, Maddie. Let me see you.”

She whimpered as I stepped back again, hands on her in case she decided to try and move away, but she let me get enough distance that I could take in her entire body.

There were bite marks all over her torso, places where teeth had torn open her beautiful skin and left broad scrapes and cuts. Dried blood crusted over where it had dripped down her stomach, smeared where she’d tried to wipe it away. The bandages I’d applied at the house were soaked through.

“Stop looking,” she begged, but I couldn’t tear my eyes away. I remembered the way she’d felt in my hands the night I brought her home. The fascination of my alcohol-addled brain with every laceration and bruise. Back then I hadn’t been able to articulate what I found so alluring about her marred skin. Now I knew. It was the realization that she was breakable, and that anyone at all could hurt her. It wasn’t just me. I couldn’t hurt the people who hurt her, so I tried to find solace in admiring the colors that bloomed on her skin like a field of flowers. She was brittle, but I wanted to be the one to protect her. To save her.

Even now, I couldn’t hurt the person who hurt her.

But I could hurt someone else.

The thought terrified me down to my very core. But it was necessary if I wanted to fix us, to bring her back to me. I had to hope that what I asked her to do didn’t break me past the point where I couldn’t move on either, or we’d both be damned.

She froze as I reached for her, but I cupped her face as gently as if I was handling shattered glass. And despite everything she’d said, how angry she was with me for what I’d done to put us in this position, beneath the anger in her eyes I could see the trust she still held.

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