Page 10 of In Too Deep

I cringe at his question. There’s so much food here—fried chicken, sub sandwiches, pizza. Sure, I’m hungry, and I know I should eat something, but the fat girl in me won’t allow it. She’s too embarrassed to eat in front of all these strangers, and my stomach is too tied up regardless.

“There’s a ton of food here,” I answer, avoiding his actual question.

“I’m worried about you, but you’re an incredible human being. I would expect nothing less from you. Is there anything I can do for you?”

“No. I’m okay. I probably won’t be home until late, though. Don’t wait up for my call. I know you have an early shift tomorrow.”

“I don’t think I have a choice in the matter. I’m pretty beat.”

“I talked to Lori earlier,” I scoff, thinking of the hell she must’ve given him when he showed up at her door. “I bet she was a handful today.”

He lets out a nervous chuckle. “Yeah, she wasn’t thrilled to see me at her door this morning. And we didn’t part on the best of terms either.”

“I wouldn’t worry. It may not seem like it, but Lori adores you. She just gets a little temperamental at times.”

“I’m pretty sure she only tolerates me because she loves you and you love me.”

My face heats, like I’m worried Lawrence might have heard Spencer. Which is completely absurd. “That I do…”

Guilt coils around my insides like barbwire as I lift my eyes to find Lawrence, the phantom of his touch still radiating on my skin—an ache longing for more. He tilts his head, his lips curving upward as if knowing what I’m thinking.

“Well, I’m going to let you go so you can get some sleep.”

“All right. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Love you.”

My eyes fall to the floor again, and I turn slightly away from Lawrence. I know it shouldn’t matter, but it feels wrong to tell someone else I love them in front of him. “Love you too.”

After I disconnect the call, I slip my phone into my back pocket and wrap my plaid shirt tightly around myself, turning to face Lawrence. His glare is angry now, his brow knit and arms crossed. He doesn’t have a right to be mad at me, especially after his comments about young love earlier. Still, there’s a heaviness in my heart as I walk away from him without a word.

Thirty minutes later, the van arrives for Dave’s body, and I frantically search for somewhere to hide. It’s my goal to be as far away from what’s happening as possible. I’d been there when they’d wheeled my grandfather away after he passed, I experienced what it was like to see your loved one zipped up in a black body bag. I have no desire to go through that again. But I end up in the worst possible spot, cornered in the kitchen, right in the middle of the path for the exit.

When I hear the gurney coming down the hall, I grip onto the countertop my back is pressed into and focus my eyes on the ceiling. It feels like I can’t breathe as it gets closer and closer. Seeing Dave like that now would surely be my undoing. I’m barely hanging on as it is.

As luck would have it, the caretakers stop right in front of me and ask if anyone would like one last chance to say goodbye before they leave. Apparently, this is customary practice when a body is set to be cremated. I would never want to begrudge Caroline and her family this opportunity, but I do not wish to see him this way.

As they unzip the bag and his family begins saying their goodbyes one last time, my chest is so tight, I’m certain I’m on the verge of a full-blown panic attack. My eyes roam, trying to avoid the scene playing out before me.

My gaze makes it across the room, I find Lawrence’s eyes on me. This time, though, he’s regarding me in a way that feels warm and loving. It’s as if my unease is his primary concern, and he’s desperate to console me. The strangest part is it’s working. By keeping my gaze on him, I feel calmer. Safer. But then, he always did have that effect on me.

7

Not long after they’ve taken Dave, I begin to prepare for my departure. It’s nearly ten o’clock, and I’ve been here since eleven this morning. I’m completely drained, physically and emotionally. My mind can’t handle anything else. All I can think about at this point is crawling in my bed. I suppose that’s understandable after hours of goodbyes, tears, and heartbreak.

I find Caroline in her old bedroom by herself, sitting on the bed staring at the wall. She sent her husband and kids home right before the van arrived for Dave, not wanting that to be the last image they had of their grandfather. Her eyes flicker to me only briefly as I approach her, and I let my own gaze wander around the room, envisioning the way it looked the last time I was here—posters on the wall, pictures of her and William taped to the mirror, her dresser covered with makeup and hair products.

“Hey, I guess I’m going to head home. Do you need anything before I go?”

She sighs, shaking her head. “No. Thank you.”

She’s still a shell of herself, and my stomach twists, hating myself for leaving her this way. “Do you want me to go with you to pick out an outfit for the funeral one day this week?”

Her head turns in my direction, her eyes brighter as they finally meet mine. “Yes, that would be great.” Her perky tone helps ease my worried gut, and the soft smile that follows tells me she’ll be okay.

“Sounds good. Just call me.” She nods, standing as I open my arms. My emotions begin to stir as I give her a tight squeeze, forcing me to make it swift. “I love you, girl.”

Her eyes are filled with tears as they meet mine again, but she gives me a warm smile. “I love you too. Thank you for being here today.”

“Always,” I tell her before stepping back into the hall.

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