Page 60 of Dr. Brandt

“That’s not what any of this is about. You know that.”

“No,” he snapped back, frustration rising in his face. He stepped away from me and ran his hand through his hair, searching the gray ocean for answers. “I’m sorry,” he said, his blue eyes filled with a sadness that I didn’t expect to see. “I know those are just words, and you need to see action for me to prove that, but you won’t let me in.”

“Don’t do this to yourself. We’ve been on different paths for years now. It’s all too much, you know, trying to bring back what we once had. We’re here so you can get a feel for Jackson’s personality and see if he’s mentally strong enough to overcome the aftereffects of this surgery, not to get caught up in feeling like you need us to be a family. It’s too heavy, and I won’t—I can’t,” I felt tears welling up in my eyes, accepting the truth of what I knew. “I just can’t live my life through the things that feel good for the moment. And you and I have always felt good, Cameron, but it’s a pipe dream. There are too many obstacles that I’m unwilling to jump to try and make it work. The idea of being in a relationship with you again—honestly, it exhausts me.”

Cameron folded his arms in front of him and continued to stare at the ocean, so I went on. I needed to make sure he understood that this wasn’t a situation where you could date your ex, rekindle the relationship, and if it worked, it worked. No. I had way too much on my plate as Jackson’s mother, and bringing Cameron Brandt back into my life romantically only for me to wonder if he was going to commit this time was not something I could do.

I couldn’t even begin to fathom how difficult life would be after Jackson’s surgery, and adding relationship issues wasn’t going to work. So I had to end this all before it got started.

“I know this sounds callous,” I said, “but you must see it from my point of view. I have a son with a medical condition, and a responsibility to focus on getting him better. I can’t get caught up in a fairytale, dating my ex in the hopes that my son will have the perfect father in his life—”

“Just stop, Jess.” He turned to face me, his face unreadable. “I get it. I fucked it all up. So, from this moment forward, I will honor your wishes and return my focus to assessing Jackson’s strengths and weaknesses. I’m sorry I caused you any unneeded stress.” He stepped back. “Believe me, it was never my intention.”

I felt Cameron’s disappointment, and it made me feel horrible, but it was better this happened now than after I’d fully opened my heart only to have it broken again.

I didn’t trust Cameron. How could I?

It was heartbreaking to watch him walk away and back to the house, especially after hearing the excitement in his voice of wanting to give it another try. And, as I watched him go, I was acutely aware of the ice wall I’d built around my heart to protect me from him. The warm side of me knew that I was just scared, but I didn’t know how to bridge the gap. All I knew was that I was utterly wrecked after he left me the last time, and I never wanted to feel that way again. Goddamn right, I was scared. I couldn’t function with that level of heartache ever again.

I turned away, unwilling to watch what could have been my future walking away from me, and I refocused my thoughts. My son was in bed at four in the afternoon, his day shot to hell after his seizure, and I had no business standing out here arguing about love declarations.

My responsibility was to Jackson first. It had been since the day the doctor placed that beautiful baby boy in my arms, and he locked eyes with mine.

Later that evening, the group had returned from their day in the bay, everyone in great spirits. After turning Cameron away and burying myself in the stress of everything I had to face in life, I just wanted to go to bed.

I had no desire to sit in the room where I could hear everyone enjoying the basketball game, especially Cameron and Jacks. I felt depressed and disdain for myself; I’d not only rejected a man’s love and affections, but now I’d been wallowing in my gloomy mood, alienating myself from having a pleasant time.

What are we even doing here? I mentally questioned myself, detached from everyone while I washed the dishes in the kitchen.

Actually, in the brilliant act of being in the most pathetic pity party of my life, I was re-washing the dishes, to be exact.

Tears started to fill my eyes for the hundredth time this afternoon, and I tried to keep my composure when I heard someone behind me.

“Hey, Jessa, you’re missing out on the Knicks being in the lead.” Avery laughed, “Jacks is schooling everyone in there, too, by the way.”

“He’s good at that,” I said with a laugh, keeping my eyes focused on the soap bubbles until I could dry up these sudden tears of frustration.

“What’s going on?” she questioned, and I could hear the concern in her voice.

“Nothing,” I sniffed. “Ugh.” I shook my head, frustrated that I couldn’t just knock this shit off.

“Here,” she said, pouring me a glass of wine, “this usually gets the tears flowing faster. Then, once it’s out of your system, you’re freed up to handle shit again.”

I grinned at her, grabbed the glass, and took a sip. “Don’t they call that self-medicating?”

She laughed and raised a perfectly shaped eyebrow, her blue eyes so piercing and beautiful, “I run a women’s home that deals with those types of things, and I can tell you that this isn’t self-medicating. Turning to booze to make the troubles disappear is where we draw the line.”

“Ladies?” Ash called, bouncing into the kitchen with the usual pep she always seemed to have in her step. “The kids are settled in, and it’s time we relax.”

“I didn’t realize the children went to bed so early,” I spoke. “It’s only seven.”

“I was referring to the gentlemen,” she teased. “Seriously, though, half the time, the kids are babysitting them and not the other way around.”

I softly laughed, feeling my gloomy mood lift a little, and I took another sip of wine. “I could see that.”

“You don’t want to,” Avery chuckled. “Come on. There’s a kick-ass balcony with full views of the ocean. We can talk shit while we’re up there, too.”

I followed the ladies, welcoming the chance to clear up my shitty mood.

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