Page 60 of At My Worst

Every decision we make in life has positive and negative consequences. Every decision we make in life can either break us or make us stronger. For the longest time, I believed that I needed to make sure everyone around me was happy, that if they were happy, then somehow, I would be. That is not the truth at all. I lost part of myself in trying to be everything that everyone else wanted me to be, everything that he wanted me to be, and in the end, I had nothing left to give.

In the end, I was broken, unsure, and completely lost within myself. I felt as if everything I did was wrong, that people looked down upon everything I did because they knew best, that he knew best.

I am still broken, unsure, and lost today, but I can feel myself finding a new light, and it is surrounding Alexander. He has shown me that there is nothing wrong with my desires or fantasies. He has shown me that I am perfect just the way I am, even if my edges are sharp.

Alexander has proven that he will bleed for me, get lost with me, and stay with me even if I think I am better off alone.

I have made many mistakes in my life. I don’t always do the right thing or say the right thing. I am selfish and unhinged at times. Emotions and I have a love-hate relationship to the point where running is easier than facing the truth.

I can’t always put words to how I feel. I can go from zero to a hundred in no time flat, and I don’t think positively about myself 99.9% of the time. Looking in the mirror is hard, but not looking is even harder. And I love using sex as a foundation for a relationship, which most people find wrong, disgusting, and sinful.

My whole life, I have had people in my ear telling me what would be better for me, telling me that how I feel is not valid or that I am choosing to feel a certain way or think a certain way. Inow know that I am not crazy, that it is okay to feel the way I feel, and that it is okay to think the way I think.

My knees are shaky, and my mind is racing, but I know that everything will be okay, even if I can’t see it clearly right now, even if I am fucking terrified of what I am about to do. I will not let the fear stop me.

There are many things I have done in my life that I am not proud of, and many times, I believed that I was not good enough and that I would always fuck everything up. I don’t know if I did the right thing, leaving in the middle of the night, tossing my phone in the ocean, and never trying to contact the man I am married to. Maybe it is because I was and am a coward, or maybe it is because I have finally realized that I am not the one who caused us to become this way. We did it together.

I never thought I would get to the point of running away from a life I spent ten years trying to build, but I know one thing now that I didn’t know a few months ago. I am a good person, and I deserve to be happy, even if others disagree with how I do it.

Everything has led me to this moment, the moment where I am finally ready to accept that my old life is over and that it is time to start a new one. I was unprepared for Alexander or his love, but right now, I am beyond grateful for it.

I thought for so many years that I was making big deals out of nothing or seeing things that weren’t really there in my marriage, but now I realize that I was not crazy and that I had and have the right to feel what I feel even if people don’t see it my way.

Without even knowing it, Alexander has loved me at my worst and has put together pieces I thought were lost forever.

He once told me that he would bleed for me. Well, he kept his promise. We have bled for each other internally, which I never thought was possible.

We are not perfect, but what we have together is perfect for us.

I have learned that loving someone and being in love with them are two completely different things.

I have learned that internal scars cut me deeper than physical ones do and that it is time I let my past go.

I have learned that even though I love my husband and I love the life we built together, we both checked out a long time ago. We just weren’t ready to admit it.

I don’t know if he will ever forgive me for how I left him, but I have to do what is best for me, even if it hurts him.

I take a deep breath and grab the pen. My hand is shaking as I look over the paperwork one last time.

Once I do this, there is no going back.

I lean forward and look down at the last page. I place the pen on the paper and sign my name.

28

Alexander

2 Weeks Later

“Parachute”by Kyndal Inskeep & Song House

The last two weeks have been hard for Bianca. She is sometimes distant and cold, but I can’t blame her. She signed the divorce papers and had them served to her husband. We know her soon-to-be ex-husband has gotten them, but he has no way of contacting her, which is why her throwing her phone into the ocean when I first met her makes sense now.

I think she has known what she was going to do this whole time. She just had to come to terms with it. She needed to accept on her own terms that her marriage was over and it was okay for her to move on.

I make my way up the steps to her house. I am hoping this is one of the last times I come into this house looking for her. It will be easier to spend time with her if she gives me the answer I am hoping for.

I promised myself that I would never live with another woman after Brittany and what she did to me, but Bianca, well, she makes me question everything, including my sanity, in the best possible ways.

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