Page 128 of Straight to Me

Running my hands through my hair, I turn and sit on the sofa. Travis stays standing, but he relaxes before he speaks. “Look, I know you are hurting, we are all hurting for you mate. But this is exactly what you do when you are terrified. You push everyone away. And I’ve watched you for the past twenty years, hide behind a mask so strong, I thought I would never see the real you again.”

I look up to him, and I know what he’s going to say. “You changed when you had Mads to lean on, and for the fucking life of me, I can’t see why you would let her go, but let her go you have. So, the way I see it, you can either sit here and become everything you’re scared of, or you can go and get back the one person who actually makes you happy.”

“It’s not that simple,” I say looking past him.

He moves and I see him consider sitting on the edge of the coffee table, but he stays standing, taking in a big breath before he speaks. “Dean, most people have one or two bad days and think they have a bad life, but with you, even I’ll admit it’s been beyond shit. The corner you’ve been backed into, I get why you think you need to keep everyone away and just bury that shit deep… but mate, you’ve been given an opportunity to start living your fucking life again. I just want you to see what’s right in front of you.”

My eyes trace around the edges of the room. This place is full of my nightmares. People say you close the door on one chapter, opening another to the next. When I got back from Oz, I walked directly into the past few months. To my memories of Mads, to Jack, the club… my mum and dad.

“Burying the past is easier than facing it,” I say honestly. My brothers know what happened, but the only personIshared any of my past with, isn’t here anymore, so I don’t see another option.

“You bury that shit again; you won’t come back from it this time.” Travis sighs after I don’t reply. I know he’s right.

After a brief silence, he holds out his hand for me. Reaching up, I grasp it in mine and he pulls me to my feet. “I’m here if you need to talk, or whatever, but I’d rather not have another one of these girly sessions, so do me a favour and stop being your own worst fucking enemy. Otherwise next time, I’ll beat the sense into you.”

I force a smile shaking his hand. He embraces me, patting my back. Travis and I rarely open up like this, so I know he feels the awkwardness I’m feeling too after our little exchange. Nevertheless, his words are appreciated.

Once he's gone, I take off my cut, hanging it on the back of a chair in the kitchen. I fill the kettle and spy a bottle of whiskey sat on the side from earlier.Go and get the one person who makes you happy.Travis might have spoken the truth, but I can’t help myself.

I grab the bottle and unscrew the top.

My life. This house. It’s suffocating me, pulling me under the surface of its evil with its talons, commanding me from the depths of my despair.

I throw my head back and let my demons finally consume me. I can’t take any more, can’t do this on my own anymore.

The only person who can save me from myself, the person who can help me breathe and bring me home again, is Mads. I love her unconditionally, yet I’d pushed her away. Ruining everything.

Chapter Thirty-Two

Wednesday morning came around much quicker than I'd anticipated. Seeing my mum and Jess was more than I knew I needed. My mum’s words had rung true; I didn’t have to forget Dean, I just needed to accept that he wasn’t coming back. Easier said than done though.

At night, left on my own, I have to hide my keys to stop myself from driving to his house and banging on the door until he lets me in. As I drift off, my imagination tricks me into believing his bike pulls up outside. The first time I thought I’d heard the rumble of the engine, I’d jumped to the window, but he wasn’t there. Each time after that, I knew it was my imagination playing tricks on me.

I pity myself for even thinking that he would come. What I needed to be was busy, and today I officially start my new job.

Over the past two days, I met with Alex at the office. Lauren joined us once. She kept to herself, but I feel more comfortable around her, even though she hasn’t given me proper eye contact yet.

I wait for her at her new school, and I can’t help but consider how best to get her to like me. Alex suggested doing it over coffee, mentioning that she needs a woman figure in her life, someone who had things together that she could aspire to. Little did he know things weren’t as together as he assumed.

I hadn’t shared any of my recent troubles with Alex, and when he asked how Dean was, I lied and said he was working away. The lie was easier than facing the truth.

My life was anything but together, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t do my job properly. Spotting Lauren walking onto the school grounds, I take a deep breath and psyche myself up. “Lauren, hi,” I say smiling and holding my hand out for her to take. She has a dry look on her face as she looks to my offered hand like I’m trying to sell her drugs or something.

“Too much?”

“Yeah,” she mumbles.

“So, are you ready to start your new school?”

Mocking my overly high-pitched and nervous voice, she turns her head to one side looking at me. “Yes, Miss Reed. Just like I looked forward to my last school, and the one before that AND the one before that.”

I hold my hands up in submission, “Sorry.”

“Don’t be. I’ll only be here a month then I’ll be onto the next.”

Her words leave me shocked at her opinion of herself. Only fifteen, yet her blue eyes reflect a wisdom of someone who’s experienced a lot in life. Her short blonde hair sits shoulder length over her small frame. She’s wearing an oversized hoodie and baggy blue jeans with trainers.

“How do you know you won’t be here long?” I ask.

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