Page 4 of Twice the Love

“What do you think we’re having for breakfast?” I asked as I scooped her up and exited my basement suite. I climbed the stairs to the main level of the house. I hoped my question would distract her. Eating had become more difficult for her lately.

“Maybe waffles?” she answered as we entered the kitchen. I set her in her pink highchair before kissing her forehead. I kissed her often. It was hard not to shower her with affection when she was just so perfect.

“Oh, I bet your tummy monster would like that.” I buckled her in and ran my fingers along the inside of the straps to make sure they weren’t too tight. “Is that comfy?” I asked once I deemed them safe.

“Yes, sir,” she answered after wiggling a bit in her seat. I handed her the daily schedule as I checked what Travis had fixed for breakfast.

“Oh, you were right, Rae Rae. Daddy left waffles,” I said and went to work warming them up. I smiled when I saw Travis had also made me a plate. My chest grew tight with emotion. Taking this job really had been the best choice I had ever made.

“Club?” Reagan asked as she looked over her schedule.

I looked up at her from the stove. “Oh yeah, Daddy put a question mark beside it because he wanted to know if you’d like to visit The Dragon tonight. They’re having a Sticker Party for National Sticker Day, and Daddy thought you might like to go. No pressure, though, remember it’s always up to you.” Travis had helped the owners host a launch party last year and as a gesture of gratitude, they invited us to any Little-themed event they had.

“Are you gonna come with us? Please?” she asked as she searched my face. I secretly loved when she worried about my feelings and emotions.

“I would love to go to the sticker party with you and Daddy. Will you hold my hand in case I get scared?”

She grinned at me. “You’re silly.”

I winked at her before I brought the plates, forks, and syrup over to her highchair. I pulled my own chair up to her tray. “Do you want syrup, baby?”

She nodded. “Yes, sir.”

“On your waffles or on the side for dipping?” Because of her sensory issues, we had to introduce food just the right way. The smallest thing could cause her to lose her appetite.

“Side, please.”

“Such good manners.” I poured a small amount of syrup on the plate.

She beamed at my praise before picking up a piece of the waffle. I watched her from the corner of my eye as she inspected the waffle. I was relieved when she took a small bite, then a bigger one.

“Good, little love?” I asked as I ate from my own plate.

“Yes sir. They are very good.” She took another bite.

We finished our breakfast in a comfortable silence, and Reagan waited patiently as I wiped her face and hands before righting the kitchen. I fixed her morning bottle, which was just a nutrition shake at room temperature. Reagan abhorred anything hot. Warm was the most she could tolerate.

I scooped her up from the highchair and headed towards her nursery. This was one of my favorite times of the day; I loved rocking Reagan.

“Do you think Dallas is working tonight?” she asked as she gently rubbed her fingers over my bare chest. Goosebumps rose from her touch.

“I don’t know, but we can text her and ask.” Dallas was one of the owners of The Dragon. She was also one of the best bartenders I had ever met. She actually participated in competitions, and she could flip a bottle of rum like nobody I’d ever seen. She and Reagan had met last year when Travis helped them with the launch. The girls had been inseparable since.

I scooped her into my lap and held the bottle to her mouth. She parted her lips so sweetly that I couldn’t resist the urge to kiss her forehead again. I began to gently rock us as she took the bottle. “You’re such a good baby, Rae-Rae,” I cooed as she sucked quietly. I once again got to witness the gentle flush that spread over her pale skin when she was praised. A familiar pang of guilt that had become increasingly more frequent worked its way through my chest. I adored the way she flushed, the way she absorbed any and all praise, the way she slept like a drunk little starfish, and the way she was a snuggle bug. Honestly, I loved everything about her. I lovedher, but I knew it would never be reciprocated. Reagan would never have feelings for me like I did for her. I had accepted months ago that I had to be okay with that. She and her Daddy were far too precious to me to rock the foundation of our relationship.

Chapter Two

Reagan

I sucked my bottle and closed my eyes in happiness. I loved when my Daddy and Uncle Maddox rocked me. Those were my favorite times of the day. I thought about the sticker party. I did want to go, but only if Dallas was going too. New things were really hard and even though we had been to The Dragon lotsa times, a sticker party was a new thing. It would be easier with Dallas there. If we went to the playroom, she’d hold my hand. She was the best friend an anxious Little could ask for.

I liked that Daddy and Uncle Maddox said that it was up to me, but I’d been so very scared lately that we’d missed a lot of fun things. I felt bad. I wanted them to have the opportunity to have some downtime.

Daddy did lots for me, like creating my daily schedule every morning. Some people might think that was super bossy, but it really helped me. I was never sure when I should work or for how long. One day, working an hour felt like too little, but other days it felt like forever. Then, sometimes I accidently got so focused on a task that I forgot other things I was supposed to be doing like drinking and eating. Daddy making my schedule was just a little thing he did to make living with autism more bearable for me. He deserved to have some downtime too. He could have some drinks with the other Bigs tonight if I went to the playroom.

I was so thankful for Daddy. Uncle Maddox too. I had been worried when Daddy had talked to me about hiring a caregiver. I felt like such a failure. He’d explained that sometimes Little hearts needed twice the love and he thought it would help me a lot to have someone with me the times he couldn’t be. At first, I cried and told Daddy I would try harder, but Daddy held and kissed me and promised me this wasn’t my fault. He vowed it wasn’t a punishment and told me he loved me more than anything. Honestly, looking back, it was one of the most intimate moments I’ve ever had with him.

I was happy that Uncle Maddox was willing to come with us if we decided to go, but I felt guilty that I asked him to come before I asked Daddy if that was okay. Maybe it was supposed to be a special date between me and Daddy. I just hated it when we were all apart. I didn’t know if that made me selfish or not. Guilt zinged through my tummy, making it feel heavy. I rubbed it as I thought about the situation. I was so very tired of my tummy hurting and my brain being so loud. Daddy had taken me to my psychiatrist a few weeks ago when my anxiety started getting worse, and she had changed my medication around. She promised that it would help if I just gave it time to work, but I didn’t think it would ever get better. Not as long as I was keeping a secret from Daddy. How did you explain that you loved your husband very much, but you also think you maybe—just a little bit— loved your manny too? I didn’t think there was a nice way to say that.

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