Page 40 of To Catch a Firefly

I don’t dare tell Danil that Ellis gave me my first kiss, too, even though that was later. I don’t tell him about the times we snuck away at night to sit together in the cornfields, just him and me under the stars. I don’t tell him about the thousands of quiet moments that let my feelings for Ellis grow or how, once, he carried me home in his arms because I’d broken my ankle.

I don’t dare say any of that because none of itwasromantic. It was two boys, eventually young men, who werefriends. Who were close. Closer than most, sure. And yes, somewhere along the way—maybe because of those two damn blue boutonnieres—my feelings grew. But that doesn’t make my past with Ellis into something it never was.

“You know,” Danil says slowly. “If he is, in fact, asexual, that doesn’t necessarily preclude him from wanting a romantic relationship.”

I hate how my heart flutters hopefully at that.

“You asked me recently why I don’t date,” he goes on. “I’m fairly positive I’m aromantic. I’ve never wanted that sort of relationship with another person, and I don’t know that I ever will. Sex, on the other hand, I enjoy very much.”

“I’m well aware,” I mumble, my mind tumbling over.

“Yes, you are,” he says, again, smugly. “But your Ellis… Is it possible hedoeswant a partner? That he wants someone to share his life with?”

He’s going on a date this weekend.

“I don’t know,” I admit. I never once thought to ask. Maybe it should have crossed my mind, but for whatever reason, I assumed he didn’t want any of it. I’d hoped, on more than one occasion, that Ellis might wantme. I asked him, directly or indirectly, so many times. I gave him plenty of chances to show me he wanted me, too. But he never did. And if he didn’t want me, well… I guess I didn’t want him to wantanyone.

I still don’t want him to want anyone else. Maybe that makes me an asshole, but I think I’ve earned the right. No one will ever know Ellis like I do.

And yet therearethings I don’t know, aren’t there?

“You’re having a moment,” Danil says quietly.

“Yes.”

“Why did you come here, Lucky?” he asks. “Why so suddenly?”

I swallow down the lump in my throat. “He has a date.”

“Ah,” Danil says, shifting beside me on the bed. “Are you going to stop him?”

Yes. No.

“I don’t know,” I admit.

“What would be the worst that could happen?”

“I’d make a fool of myself.”

“Says the man who doused himself in blue paint just to protect the feelings of his…friend,” Danil counters.

“He’d shoot me down,” I say, trying another tactic.

“And then?”

“And then…” My mind whirs again.

“Would he leave you?” Danil asks. “Would he cut ties?”

“No,” I whisper. I don’t think he’d do that. But he’dknow. Could I bear it?

“And what if,” Danil says slowly, “he said yes? What if he wants you, too?”

I shake my head, not willing to hope. “He doesn’t.”

“Things change,” he says softly.

“Why are you encouraging this?” I ask, turning toward him. “Why are you…pushing?”

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