Page 41 of To Catch a Firefly

Danil sighs, looking suddenly older than his twenty-eight years. “Lucky-boy, in the half a year I’ve known you, I’ve seen your eyes light up in front of a dormant volcano. I’ve seen you run with a herd of buffalo, just to get the right shot. I’ve seen your fearlessness worn right on your sleeve, but until last night, I’d never seen your heart. Where is your courage now? Why are you running from him?”

“I’m not—”

“Youare,” he insists, voice rising. “We came back here on a whim, but here you are, sitting in your parents’ house while he’s out there.” He waves his arm wide, gaze imploring. “Why aren’t you with him?”

“I’m scared!” I finally yell. “I can’t lose him, Dani. Ican’t.”

“You just said you wouldn’t,” he points out.

“But things might get strained between us. I might…” What? “See him less often.”

“As opposed to now, when you see him a few times a year?” Danil says. “Your mom said you’ve been visiting less. She said in the beginning, you were here once a month.”

It got too hard, saying goodbye.

“When did you talk to her about that?” I ask before shaking my head. I stand, pacing away. “Never mind. It doesn’t matter. None of this matters. Could you just drop it? Please?”

Danil watches me for a fraught moment before acquiescing with a nod. “Consider it dropped. I did my duty as your loyal, intrepid friend. If you choose to continue being an idiot, that’s on you.”

“Jesus,” I mutter, scrubbing my forehead. “I’m going to leave you here. I hope you know that.”

“Never,” Danil says, standing. “You’d miss me.” He steps close and wraps an arm around my neck, tugging me in to kiss my cheek.

“We’re not fucking here,” I inform him.

“I’m not—” He makes an incredulous sound before dropping his arm. “I’m beingsupportiveandlovable. If I were trying to get into your pants, you’d know it.”

My lips twitch as I open the bedroom door.

“As if I’d even try right now,” he adds, following me down the hall. “Your Ellis could rip me in half. I’m not a small guy, Lucky-boy. But that man scares me.”

“He’s a teddy bear,” I say, mind skipping back to that day at school, when Ellis took down Brandon like it was nothing. “Mostly.”

“Uh-huh,” he says before falling silent. I grab my keys, waiting for Danil to catch up, but he’s paused at the entrance to the foyer.

“What is it?” I ask. We’re the only two in the house. My dad is at work, and my mom said she’d be heading into town forbrunch with Mrs. Cole and a few other ladies they get together with from time to time.

Danil looks uncharacteristically solemn as he stands there, composing an answer. “He’s…different. Isn’t he?”

I bristle, and he holds up his hands placatingly.

“I don’t mean that in a bad way,” he says. “You just never said, and I wasn’t expecting it.”

I tug the front door open a little harder than necessary. “He’s Ellis. That’s all,” I say.It’s more than enough.“Now are you coming? I can show you around town.”

Danil nods, and he doesn’t say another word all morning or afternoon about Ellis or my supposed not-quite-friendship feelings.

It’s just past five when Danil and I get back to the house. He tells me he has some work to get done and retreats to the guest room with his tablet, but I think he’s trying to give me space with Ellis. Not that I don’t appreciate it.

I walk the property line as I wait for Ellis to get home. It’s hot today—Nebraska usually is in the summer—and my shirt sticks uncomfortably to my back. It doesn’t help that my heart is racing and my mind is running wild.

I haven’t stopped thinking about what Danil said. Haven’t stopped wondering why I came here. Wondering if I could—should—say anything.

What am I expecting? That Ellis will feel differently than he did at seventeen, when he kissed me, only to pull back? That he’llwantme in a way he never did before, and for once, he’ll ask me to stay? Do I really think shooting my shot with my friend offifteen years, suddenly and out of the blue, is going to end well for me?

I don’tknow. I don’t know what I’m doing. Don’t know what’s right.

The stalks of corn wave their leaves at me as I pass. I let my fingers drift over the foliage, tracing the line of the field around the corner to where the silo sits not far off. It looks the same as ever, but when I get to the door, I realize it’s padlocked. Staring at it in confusion, I give a tug, but it doesn’t budge.

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