Page 87 of Two Marlboros

“No, of course, but I don’t know if I’m happy of who I am.”

“If you were a different person, who would be there to save me tonight? Ash?”

We both laughed and I thought back to what Nathan had said. I didn’t regret anything I had done in my life and what I had been, and I had assumed it had to be that way for everyone. But thinking about it for a moment, it couldn’t have been easy tolive with the knowledge that you had made bad choices that you would rather change.

“Ash doesn’t know, does he? About Oliver, I mean.”

“No.”

“Why don’t you tell him?”

A sigh came out. “Because I can’t.”

“With me you did, though.”

“With you it was different. You found out, so I didn’t have to take you to one side and make an announcement. You just knew. It’s very different.”

He thought about it for a moment. “Yes, it is. It might improve your relationship, though, in my opinion. He thinks you’re grumpy for no reason and that’s why he treats you that way.”

“I know. But do you want to know the truth? Sometimes I just don’t care. It’s okay.”

We looked at each other for a moment and he nodded, as if to say he wouldn’t have a saying in my choices. I saw him staring at a spot behind me, so I turned around. Two girls with black hair were watching us, smiling from time to time. I turned back to Nathan.

“I should have known this would happen,” I commented.

He first smiled, then let out a small laugh. “How about we drive away any doubts?”

“Meaning?”

He put his hand behind my neck, pulled me to him and kissed me.

It was innocent. Just lips touching. A little dry.

Dry, but warm. His lips were wet, though. He had premeditated it.

I closed my eyes. It lasted a few more seconds. We parted with a barely audible snap of lips. We opened our eyes together again. He looked at me. I was looking at him. He still had his hand behind the back of my neck.

He took it away and I turned my head for a moment, but of the girls weren’t there anymore. Who knows for how long they had been gone.

I kissed someone who was not Oliver. Or rather, he kissed me, but it made no difference. I was coming back to reality, just as real was the drink that was unsettling my stomach.

Nathan’s lips had been on mine. Little more than a kiss on my lips, but that mouth, which was now at arm’s length, had been glued to mine seconds earlier.

“Did I go too far?”

It hadn’t been like in the dream. It had not been sensual, but shy.

“Okay, I went too far. Sorry.”

What was I supposed to say? It was fine. I could have accepted it.

I was taken. By Oliver. My lips tasted a little like tobacco.

“It’s okay,” I whispered.

“Are you sure?”

There was no rejection inside me. Or disgust. I licked my lips again. They tasted like his. And for sure his tasted a little like mine, like the lime drink I had. Maybe I was dreaming it.

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