Page 133 of Two Marlboros

“What do you mean?”

He chuckled. “Well, it’s just you and I here, alone, and since you don’t want to talk, maybe we could…”

I couldn’t believe it.

“Are you serious? Are you really serious? Have you seen how I look?”

“I have. And I thought you needed a distraction.”

I emitted a groan of astonishment and shook my head with my mouth wide open. I really couldn’t believe it.

“Fuck you, Harvey. Seriously. Did it not occur to you that maybe I just wanted to be consoled?”

He smiled in response. Then he did something I never expected: he pulled me close to him and pulled me into a hug. He began to caress my back, and I clung to his shirt without thinking. All the stigma I had felt for him up to that moment disappeared and gave space to an ancient feeling of gratitude, perhaps necessity, that I felt toward him. Each time he managed to surprise me, each time he managed to show in his own way that he cared about me. His affection managed to break the dam that had held up my emotions until that moment, and I was overwhelmed by a regurgitation of confused and painful thoughts.

“I am so tired of this situation. I just wish it would all go away.”

A tear began to streak down my face, and I hid my head in the hollow Harvey offered me. It was followed by many more. I felt vulnerable in Harvey’s arms, which continued to massage my back, and at the same time the warmth of his comfort, which reminded me so much of that of my eighteen years, made its way into me.

Otherwise, I was empty inside. But I no longer felt like a nutshell, no; now I was a rotten nut, full of worms, so repulsive that even I disgusted myself. The only thing I could do was cry and shake my body with one sob after another.

“I wish I had never been born. Or maybe make Nathan Hayworth disappear from the face of the earth. The stupid, useless Nathan.”

My words were broken only by my sobs. Harvey then stroked my head and began to leave a trail of kisses on my temple. That gesture partly calmed me, but I still felt disgusting. Iwasdisgusting.

I broke away from the embrace and let the last sobs barely shake me. I looked at his face, because I wanted to see with what eyes of disgust he was staring at me. He, however, had a reassuring smile and a benevolent gaze. He wiped away my tears and gave me a pat. I smiled back and he brought his face closer to mine until the distance between us became minimal.

He began to leave wet kisses on the side of my face, starting from my temple and down to my cheek, and then to the level of my lips; it was at that moment then that I turned and let him stick his tongue in my mouth, while with one hand behind the nape of my neck he held me firmly to himself.

He continued to kiss me voraciously, and I reciprocated with equal eagerness; then he ran his free hand from my sternum down to my lower abdomen, almost tracing a path, which ended the moment he reached the button of my pants. I broke away from him and helped him open it, to let him sneak under my underwear. I felt embarrassment when it was clear that I had gotten hard, and well before he touched me.

He released my erection and began to masturbate me. My moans began to fill the air and I moved closer to his lips to nibble them, but he flinched. That smirk appeared on his face that I had seen a million times before, for I was his creature, the one he would mold in his image, the one he could play with as much as he wanted. And if most of the time that thought had pissed me off, at that moment it turned me on. He was offering me, in his own way, support to get rid of all that shit - and I felt protected.

Suddenly, Harvey interrupted what he was doing. I was already imagining yet another excuse with which he would leave, but instead he stood up and positioned himself in front of me. A mischievous smile appeared on his face, so he grabbed my pants and underwear and pulled them off me. Seeing him standing there, clothed and almost quiet, in front of me, who was instead semi-nude and aroused, caused me further pleasure and a renewed desire to be his.

I knew I was his plaything, but he was a perfect puppet master and I needed guidance. It was the best I could have wished for at that moment, and it wasn’t so bad after all: at least he would make me forget all the shit of that day, and after sex I would be so tired, I would fall asleep right away. He would take care of me, in a way.

I was already anticipating his next move, with his fingers on me and those lips on some part of my body, but it didn’t happen. Instead, he slipped a hand into his shirt pocket, grabbed something and pulled it out. A little transparent bag. With white stuff inside.

“What is it?”

He waved the little bag under my eyes. I understood the next moment.

“Snow, Nate. I want our night to be special.”

He said nothing else. He slid that clear plastic baggie from right to left, and I followed it with my eyes with every movement. A frisson of excitement ran through my body, and also a thread of fear. Cocaine.

I shook my head. “I don’t care about that stuff.”

“Are you sure? You thought a lot about it before you answered. And it’s not for you anyway.”

He waited for an answer of some kind that didn’t come, while I still observed that little bag. It caused me excitementagain, and I didn’t know if it was because of what Harvey had done to me just before or because of what I was about to witness.

I looked up at him, who was now staring at me as a smirk began to grow on his face. He knew what I was feeling, and he knew how much excitement he was putting in me. And that bag in his hands made the realization I had had for a while now even more real.

Harvey snorts cocaine.

He moved away from me waving the sachet and knelt in front of the small table just ahead. He barely tapped the small bag and the coke began to come out onto the shelf. As I saw it I felt something that was not excitement. Maybe it was fear - the same fear I had felt when he had put my first cigarette in my mouth. And maybe even when he had put something else in my mouth.

---