Page 96 of In Her Own Rite

I pore over it in my mind, trying to see it from every angle. As Ivo takes us to the west harbor to see where the boat was stolen, I think. As Sigur takes a witness testimony about the man who started the fire—dark hair, no older than 25—I think. And as we head back to the southern shore, and Ivo gets a call telling him that the Keist volunteers were able to apprehend the man in the boat—a 23 year old man named Laurent—I think.

We get back to the southern shore and I walk back up to my apartment, feeling numb. The sun is setting now, and it’s freezing cold outside, the clouds up ahead knitting together, promising fresh snow.

For weeks, ever since my rite, I’ve been letting my fear drive me. Pushing all my actions and decisions, keeping me from Em and the kind of love I want for us. Would I have believed in her if I didn’t think her dad was here somewhere, waiting to hurt her?

Maybe not, if I’m honest. The answer floods me with shame.

I unlock the door to my building and walk up the stairs to my apartment. Once inside, I walk over to the bed and lie down, for once completely exhausted by the emotional, not physical, weight of the day.

I think over the last few weeks, retracing my steps. I’ve been making this about Em’s dad, and the fear of him hurting her was absolutely at the front of my mind. But that wasn’t the thing that hurt her. It was that I couldn’t bring myself to support her. And that hasnothingto do with Janus, I realize, and everything to do with me.

I sit up in bed and grab the phone, calling Gabe. He picks up on the third ring.

“Heij,” he says. “I just talked to my mom. They caught the last Remnant member?”

“Oh, you heard. Listen, can I talk to Em?”

“Uh, I think she’s—”

“I know she’s not busy, man. Let me talk to her.”

I hear him sigh and the rustling of something on the other end of the line. A minute later, he’s back.

“Sorry, I don’t think now is a good time.”

“Again? What the hell is going on over there? Is she okay?”

“She’s… going through some stuff. She’s really tired, and she’s figuring some things out.”

I feel a cold snake of fear uncoil itself in my gut.

“Figuring stuff out about me?”

“No. Bigger than that.”

“Okay,” I say finally. “I… Okay. Listen. You don’t have to tell her this, but. I don’t know, dude. I think I might have been wrong.”

“No shit.”

My inner wolf snarls immediately, ready to fight. “A skeia. Remind me not to talk to you about important stuff again.”

“Okay, sorry. Tell me, what’s up?”

I sigh, but the truth is, I don’t fully know yet.

“Do you remember the morning Seb came down the mountain?” I ask.

“Yeah, of course.”

“What did you think when you first saw him?”

“I… I don’t know, man,” he says, and I can hear him lower his voice, like he doesn’t want to be overheard. “Why?”

“It matters. Just tell me.”

He sighs. “I remember looking at his leg and thinking there was no way to come back from that. I thought we were gonna lose him. And that maybe…”

He can’t finish the sentence, and I think back to that day. Me, Gabe, and Em standing with theothers outside the common house, waiting for Seb to come back victorious, the first elder in our group. I could still feel the alcohol flowing through my body from the night before, when we celebrated after he left for the cliffs. We were so fucking young—so stupid. As we stood there, I wasn’t even thinking about Seb, but about Em and how beautiful she looked. How much I’d missed her in those two years on Keist. How I’d hoped the time apart would have gotten me over her, and all it had done was make me love her more.

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