Page 104 of Voracious

Fuck off. Everyone needs to fuck off.

My head shakes, and I sit up, wiping my eyes with my sleeve. “Yeah. Just drive.”

“Kade,” Base says, nudging me. “What’s wrong?”

I snap my head to him, eyes full of fury. “I said fucking drive!”

He blows out a breath and indicates out of the space. “Jesus, fine. Calm the fuck down, man.”

He zooms into the busy road, and my back flattens against the chair as he accelerates. My chest heaves, and I breathe deeply through my nose as my eyes fill up again. I can’t control it – the rage, the need to smash something.

I want to grab his steering wheel and make us crash. I want him to get faster so I can throw myself out of the car. I want to fuckingscream.

But I don’t want to die, so the thoughts need to go away.

My therapist said to talk – always talk. Staying silent and in your head just invites the bad thoughts inside, with no one to keep you on the right path.

Base is blasting “Pumped Up Kicks” by 3Teeth, singing along to the gravelly words as he lights a joint then pianos his fingers on the steering wheel. He glares at me when I turn it right down and clear my throat. “The fuck?” he says, inhaling a lungful of smoke.

“I tried to kill myself two weeks ago.”

He frowns at me for a beat and pulls the car over, throwing the smoke out the window. “Say that again.”

“Don’t make this awkward.”

He sucks in a breath and tilts his head at me. “Awkward? You just told me you tried to off yourself, mate. What did you do?”

I shrug as my chin shakes. “Swallowed a bunch of pills.”

“Would it be acceptable for me to kick your ass right now?”

I manage a dry chuckle. “Probably not.”

Base nods. “Do you know why you did it, or did you zone out like you used to?”

“Yeah,” I reply, sighing. “I regretted it as soon as the pills started fucking me up. I sent my location to my mum and woke up surrounded by a team of medics.”

“That’s where you’ve been? Why hasn’t your sister mentioned this?”

I raise a brow at him. I knew he was close to her, but I had no idea they were on a level that she’d confide in him about something like that. My sister pretends he’s a nuisance when she’s around the rest of us. “She doesn’t know.”

I seem to be keeping everything from my sister nowadays.

“How do you feel now?”

I hum and pull a cigarette from the packet between us. “Shit happens. I kind of need to just move the fuck on, right?”

He grins. “Right. Well, you got me. The next time you even consider doing that shit, you fucking call me. And if you ever feel the need to tell me who your ex is, I’ll happily send a few lovely words her way. She really fucked you up, didn’t she?”

I lower my eyes. “You could say that. It was Jason.”

“What was Jason?”

“The guy she fucked.”

“What the fuck? What the fucking fuck? Jason? You want me to deal with him?”

I shake my head. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

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