Page 59 of Our Secret Moments

“Glad to know you’re being creative,” she gets out around a cough. I frown. She has zero filter, this one. “As long as you’re being safe, I’m happy to see you’re moving on. You don’t have to be so afraid of love, birdie.”

My eyebrows pinch together. “I’m not afraid of love, Jo.”

“No, you’re afraid of what it does to a person,” she says, seemingly having me all figured out. “Just because you think your mom didn’t have much going on before she met your dad, doesn’t mean the same thing is going to happen to you and it doesn’t mean her life before him was insignificant. You can be your own person in and outside of a relationship.”

I sigh, rolling my head back. “It feels like it's three separate timelines. The time before you’re in love, the time when you’re in love, and then there’s the after. I don’t want the person I am now to change just because I get into a relationship.”

“The person you are before you meet your soulmate isn’t going to change just because you’re experiencing life differently. A new lens is good, Catherine. Rose tinted glasses aren’t always harmful,” JoJo explains before taking another sip of her tea. “You don’t change. Yougrow.”

“Yeah,” I sigh, “I guess.”

“What have I told you about guessing, Songbird? You don’t guess unless you are absolutely unsure. I’m telling you this because it’s true. Not for you to just guess, okay?”

I let her words settle over me. The idea doesn’t sound so bad when she puts it like that, but looking at the relationships around me, that kind of change frightens me more than it excites me.

I don’t want to be a different person just because I’m in a relationship. I don’t want to act differently or say things differently. I don’t want my past to be a time that I class as ‘before’ instead of yesterday. Change is a scary yet inevitable thing.

“Your dad loved your mom, Catherine,” my grandma says. My eyes start to prickle with tears at the mention of their love. “He loved her so much. So much so that I don’t think he knew what to do with it at the time. And now she’s gone, it feels like a piece of him is gone too. He’s submerging himself into his work to avoid that. Part of me thinks that he’s just trying to shield you from his hurt.”

“I don’t want him to do that,” I whisper. “We’re supposed to be helping each other, but all he’s done is push me away and I don’t feel like I can talk to him.”

“You’ll find a way, Birdie, I know you will,” she encourages. I reach out and clasp her hand between mine, needing her close to me. “I don’t know the ins and outs of whatever you’re doing with this new boy of yours, but keep him this time, Cat. Promise me you’ll do that. I just want you to be happy. To hope.”

I swallow. The desperation in her eyes throws me off. I’ve never seen her look so serious. She’s always laughing, always down to make a dirty joke or poke fun at one of her friends. I can tell she needs this.

“I’ll try.”

For her and for my mom, I want to try.

CONNOR

“Oh, shit,” Wes exclaims, still upside down. “I have an even better idea.”

“It can’t get any worse than your last one, so hit me,” I say, giving him the floor. Usually, if I manage to get all of his bullshit out in one sitting, he’ll shut up for the rest of the day.

We’ve been in the gym all morning, preparing for our next away game. Wes has been doing more shit-talking than he has working out and he’s completely convinced that his best ideas come to him when he’s upside down.

So, he’s leaning against the wall, topless, his hands on the ground, his legs kicked up as he rattles on to me about how I’m supposed to get Cat to date me. I must be delusional if I think that any of Wes’s advice will actually work.

Okay, maybe the sexting thing did help, but still.

He doesn’t know about the way I fucked my fist to the sound of her fingering herself over the phone and I’m going to keep it that way. I was not planning on taking things that far the other night, but sometimes desire gets the best of us. I don’t knowwhere exactly we stand, and I want to let her know that I’m in this for keeps.

“She’s into rom coms. Just watch one of those and bring it up casually in a conversation. She’ll be all over it,” he pants, his face completely red. That’s actually not a bad idea.

“Real question. Do you ever actually use these tactics, or are you just that repulsive that nobody wants to date you?” I ask, trying my hardest not to laugh.

“Nah, I’m saving these for the right girl. In the meantime, I’m happy being the best wingman to you, Connie boy. God knows you need it,” he replies, his voice strained. I don’t even argue with him on that.

“Dude, you’re going to pass out. Get down,” I say, scrubbing my hands across my face.

“I’m not. You see all the red on my face? That’s just my ideas, slowly falling down to my brain. It’s science. Don’t question it,” he says confidently.

“I really don’t think that’s how that works, Wes. You’re–”

I barely get my sentence out before he collapses right on top of me.

“Am I dreaming, or is there a really hot doctor in front of me right now?”

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