Page 326 of S is for SEX

RIPP. I had spent my life, sexually speaking, not caring. I had never cared who I was with or what their desires were. I had always known sooner or later I’d be satisfied with whoever I found to fuck, and although I satisfied them, I always acted selfishly. It was always about me. Not once did I go into a sexual situation with the intent of making anyone happy but myself. Satisfying myself, by nature, caused my sexual partner to be happy. The fact I was selfish remained.

And I didn’t care.

Thirty days with Vee, and all I could think about was how I didn’t want to disappoint her or cause her to believe I was doing anything for anyone but her. She might have been the right person at the right time, or maybe I was just ready for a change. Whatever caused me to feel the way I felt was irrelevant, the feeling existed and I couldn’t change it. I couldn’t really say I was disappointed in any manner, because I wasn’t. In fact, I was pleased to feel like there was someone on this earth of the opposite sex I could actually care about.

Most mornings I woke up and looked around, not quite believing how I felt. I told myself early on it was something else and I was merely confused. I tried to force myself to believe it wasn’t what it was and I didn’t feel the way I felt. All it took to reassure me was seeing her again.

Whenever we met, went to dinner, or met for a drink, it would happen. Immediately I would be overcome with a feeling of not wanting it to end. And as soon as it ended, sometimes even five minutes after she had left, I felt a need to see her again immediately. I felt foolish and weak. I fought with the feelings from time to time, but finally decided if I felt the way I did and we weren’t having sex, the feelings must be genuine.

It didn’t make it any easier to accept. I felt vulnerable. I had reservations about her sincerity. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. She was intelligent, had tremendous wit, and enjoyed the things I enjoyed. She had attended a bare knuckles match with Shane, Kace and I and liked it so much she didn’t stop talking about it for ten days. She, in my mind, was perfect. And I, Michael Allen Ripton, did not deserve perfection.

But perfection stood before me.

“I gotta come clean,” I confessed.

“About?” she said as she started to untie her shoes.

“Don’t take those off,” I said softly as I shook my head.

“Okay,” she responded as she looked up from her shoe.

“Sit down,” I pointed to the couch as I walked toward it.

“What’s wrong, Ripp?” she asked as she sat down.

“Nothing’s really wrong. I just need to tell you some things. Just clear up a few things we’ve kinda talked about. Make some things clear. I don’t know. I just need to kind of, well. Kind of come clean,” I said as I sat beside her.

Worry washed over her face as she sat down beside me, “Is everything okay?”

“Just listen, alright?” I said over my left shoulder.

She nodded.

“More than anything, I want this to work. I’ll do whatever I have to do to keep you, and I mean that. Whatever it takes. The thought of not having you makes me feel sick. I’ve never felt like this, ever. Hell, it’s new to me, and it scares the absolute fuck out of me, but I still want it. I want it more than anything,” I paused, rotated to my left and swung my legs onto the couch between us.

“I want to be in a relationship with you more than anything. You said thirty days to get to know each other and all that. Hell, I’d wait thirty years. Some things in life we wonder about, and there are other things we know. I know this. I want to have the satisfaction of calling you mine, and give you the satisfaction of calling me yours,” I slid my hand to her thigh as I spoke.

“I want that too,” she smiled.

I held my finger in the air, “Well, here’s where it gets sticky.”

“You want to be the submissive half of a dominant-submissive relationship,” I inhaled a shallow breath, exhaled, and continued.

“And you want to have a dominant significant other. Well, I got news for you. I ain’t dominant. I kind of bullshitted you. I been reading books and asking lots of questions, but I ain’t there yet. I want to try, but I don’t have any experience.”

“Is that all?” she asked.

I nodded and waited for her to drop the bomb.

“I don’t have any experience either. I’ve never been in this type of relationship, I told you that. I just know it’s where I belong. So how about this, we’ll do it together? You and I? We’ll learn together? I just need you to take the reins, I need that,” she smiled.

“And that’s it? You’re okay with everything else?” I asked.

She nodded and smiled.

“Okay, well,” I inhaled another shallow breath and smiled.

“Starting this minute, I’m taking charge. For right now, I think only one thing matters, we can figure out everything else in time. We’re going to come up with a safe word, and if I do anything you don’t want or don’t like, you say it, and we’ll stop,” I paused and waited for her to speak.

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