Page 57 of City of Salvation

“I don’t know when I last held hands with a woman,” I said, turning our hands over and inspecting them. I liked the feel of her fingers intertwined with mine.

“Yeah. I don’t think I’ve ever held hands with a man. Not unless he was dragging me behind him.” The last part was so quiet I would have missed it if we’d been anywhere besides a parked car out in the middle of the desert. I wanted to know exactly what she meant by that—dragging her willingly? Unwillingly? Either answer had me wanting to hang someone by their ankles and flay them.

I wanted to know more about her. I needed to. And to do that, I’d have to open up.

There was no way I could look her in the eye while I shared the worst parts of myself. So, I stared out the windshield, watching the stars as they seemed to shift in the night sky. “How much has Gunner or Ryan shared with you about my past?” I asked, briefly stealing a glance.

“Nothing, really. I don’t know much past you and Gunner knew each other before you joined Skeletons.” She shrugged a shoulder. “Heard a few mentions of him making a deal to save you from jail time, and that you were both in the Marines, but that’s pretty much it. I don’t even know your real name…”

I didn’t know hers either.

My head nodded, almost of its own accord, as I mulled over where to start. I didn’t know if I was relieved or disappointed that that was all she knew. It would have been easier if she’d known more, and I wasn’t the one to peel off thelayers of scabs over my battered heart to relive what’d happened to Kell.

I took a deep breath, steadying my nerves. “Well, first of all, it’s Derek Kelley, but I don’t ever go by that. And that’s true, we were both scout snipers in the Marine Corps. Long-range shots are a specialty of mine, despite Gunner getting the road name that reflects that skill. Grew up with a deadbeat dad who bolted when I was young enough that I can’t even pull a face from my memories. My mom was young when she had me, and afterward, she hopped onto the dick of the first man who smiled at her.”

There was no hiding the bitterness in my tone, and I spurred on before I could really lay into the woman. “Anyway, she got pregnant again, even though she could barely care for herself, let alone me. Nine months later, Kelly was born.” I smiled, and Nikki squeezed my hand as if sensing that I needed the support to continue. “We were Irish twins and fucking thick as thieves.” My little spitfire was observant as fuck and tensed at the use ofwere. “When we got older, I became both parents for her, even though we were essentially the same age. We saw our mom less and less, because she’d just disappear for weeks at a time.”

An ache radiated from my jaw as I clenched to keep me from punching something. Dana was a real piece of fucking work.

Nikki spoke quietly as if sensing how I was teetering on the precipice of exploding. I stroked my thumb across the top of her hand, needing her to know I’d never lose my shit on her. Not in anger, anyway. Maybe in fear.

“I didn’t grow up here, so I don’t know, but they will just let you raise your siblings like that?” she asked.

Here, as in the United States?

That must have been what she’d meant, because anyonefrom here would know it was definitelynotsomething you were supposed to do, not without applying for emancipation. I tucked away another piece of her puzzle, but answered her question.

“No. They won’t let you do that. But Kell and I kept everything quiet, telling school staff and any other adult who’d ask that our mom worked nights or some shit like that.”

It ha d worked until it didn’t.

I cleared my throat, shifting in my seat. Sure, our childhood wasn’t ideal, but what I’d just shared with Nikki was actually all of mygoodmemories. It was the next part that haunted me. “I joined the Marines when I turned eighteen.” I ran my free hand through my hair again. “I was young and stupid. We’d been on our own so long, I figured Kell would be fine while I was away.”

I laughed, remembering the pact I’d made with Gunner when we were going through scout sniper training together.

“What is it?” she prodded gently, smiling.

“One night, I made Gunner swear he would ask Kelly to marry him.” Her small gasp only made my smile grow wider, and I finally looked at her so I could explain.

Fuck. She was beautiful. The last streaks of sunlight shone off her blonde waves, making it look like she wore a halo. She’d hate it if I told her that—piety wasn’t her goal in life.

“It wasn’t a romantic thing,” I said with a shrug. “If he’d married her, it would’ve made him eligible for housing and shit. We were all just going to move in together. I’d still have a dorm, but my time would be spent at their place. One big happy family…” My words trailed off, a barrage of memories battering against the walls I’d put up.

“But that never happened,” Nikki whispered.

All I could do was shake my head and repeat my mantra.

In for four. Out for four.

In for four. Out for four.

“No. That never happened,” I finally responded, my voice hollow and flat.

It was as if it were a completely different man informing Nikki how I got a call while I was on deployment from Kelly, and all I could make out were her pained screams as she begged me to help her. Like I was listening in on someone else, relaying how I’d failed the most important person in my life. I never should have left her alone.

The weight of those memories and the pain they carried had cast a heavy shadow over my soul. A piece of me had been left behind in that distant, harrowing moment. It wasn’t just my beautiful baby sister who’d died that day.

The man I was had died, too. I’d built my walls as a feeble attempt to shield myself from the guilt and anguish that threatened to engulf me, wanting to believe that I had never heard those screams, that I had never failed Kelly.

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