Page 58 of City of Salvation

And if I never let anyone close, I wouldn’t experience that grief again.

Numbness flowed through me.

Nikki's warmth enveloped me, taking me by surprise. Her body pressed against mine like she was attempting to thaw me out. Her head tucked beneath my chin as she sat curled up in my lap, her arms firmly wrapped around my middle. She was a lifeline in the sea of grief that threatened to drown me. I clung to her, desperate to feel her skin against mine.

“That’s how you knew.” Her voice was barely above a whisper, spoken directly against my heart.

I stroked my calloused hands up and down her arms. The touch made her nestle in closer, and I didn’t know how I’d be able to go back to not holding her like this. My eyes shutteredclosed. How ironic that I was describing the very event that made me renounce love to the girl who’d clawed her way into my damaged soul.

“What happened to her?” she asked, her voice quiet in the night.

I kept my eyes closed, tears welling up in the corners. “Our mom decided to make an appearance again after being gone for a fucking year plus.” The memories came rushing back. Gunner had found out the details when he was in the feds, and told me once he felt I was stable enough to hear them. “She apparently owed some people money, some Russians money.” She stiffened in my arms, but didn’t pull away. “And they didn’t want her usual form of alternate payment. So, she gave them something better.” I spat out the last part, years of rage that still felt fresh. “Kelly was always more forgiving than I was. Probably because I didn’t tell her half the shit our mom did. When our mom asked to see her, Kell went.”

Nikki shook her head against my chest, anger in her voice. “She trusted her. Parents are supposed to take care of you. You’re supposed to be able to trust them to keep you safe. To have your best interests at heart,” she said, her voice hitching at the end.

Something about the way she said it made me hold her tighter, as if I could keep the hurt at bay. It took me a moment to realize she couldn’t see me nod my head in agreement.

“Yeah, babe. Family should protect you.”

Was that why she was so opposed to letting people in? Were the ones who should have protected her, the ones who’d hurt her? Fuck.

“How did you make it through?” she asked, cutting through my revelation about her. “You always seem so…full of life.”

I smile at her question, because being happy while grieving was a mindfuck.

Sometimes, I wondered if I was truly insane.

“It started as a mask. To get people to stop asking. Stop looking at me as if I had a loaded gun and a twitchy finger. And then, one day, I realized I was tired of slowly dying. I decided to live. Make my mask permanent. Some days, it feels like there’s a barrel to my temple whispering about the beauty of oblivion, but for the most part, I feel like…why not live since we are destined to die? Death will stick her claws in me eventually, but I’m going to have a fucking great time while I wait,” I answered honestly, pulling up my shirt to reveal the letters resting over my chest. “It became my mantra. “Let us live since we are destined to die.”

Nikki pushed back so her gaze met mine before reaching up and running a knuckle under my eye, capturing the stray tear. The act was so pure that my heart almost hurt.

That’s when I noticed the damp spot on my shirt from where her face had been, and emotion welled in my chest thinking about her mourning Kell, someone she hadn’t even known.

“She would have liked you,” I whispered, cupping her face in my hand. I meant it, too. Kelly would have kicked my ass for not tying Nikki down already. That thought brought a small smile to my face.

Nikki’s eyes widened at the comment, and there was a flicker of surprise and vulnerability, but she didn't shy away like usual. Instead, she took a deep breath and began to unravel a part of her own past, her voice soft and steady.

“When I showed up in Tucson, Ryan was completely different than anyone I’d ever met. No one else had ever cared aboutme.All they cared about was what I could do for them, but not about me as a person.” She paused, canting herhead as if surprised by her own thoughts. “Well, that’s not entirely true—my ballet teacher seemed to care. Woman was a tyrant in the dance studio, but she…she was the mother figure in my life.”

“You still talk to her?”

Nikki’s blue eyes darkened, and she pulled her bottom lip between her teeth in thought before she went on. “No. I wasn’t supposed to end up in Tucson, but the first chance I had to run…I took it. It’s what Katya would have told me to do.” She let out a laugh. “I was a damn mess. Up until that point, everything in my life was controlled for me. I didn’t know how to do shit.”

“Like driving?” I teased.

Her hand hit my chest, a faux scowl on her beautiful face before transforming into a breathtaking smile. “You should see me try to cook. I’ve set more than one towel on fire.”

Her confession had me smiling back. “More than once is concerning, spitfire,” I said, running my thumb across her bottom lip. “So how did you end up friends with an arms dealer?” I prompted, hungry for more about her.

“Oh, fucking hardass pulled me off the floor one night when I was piss-drunk and told me it was time to grow up and pull my head out of my ass.” She smiled, nuzzling into the hand I’d yet to pull away. “She was great with words of affirmation like that,” she added.

I laughed, the action jolting Nikki backward, the movement rocking her against the crotch of my jeans and reminding me that she’d climbed across the center console and was now snuggled up on my thighs. Up until this moment, not a single sexual thought had crossed my mind.

But now…

Nothing said sexy like dead sisters and deadbeat parents.

As if she sensed the shift, too, she hurried to keep talking.

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